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01/07/2010 09:44 PM

My life ruined, but commited to wife & family

DrewTx
Posts: 22
Member

Where do i begin...a common opening. First off, i love my wife of 20 years dearly and stand by my vows.

We have 2 children 19 and 13 and one on the way...oops!

Ive always known my wife as being unstable which didn't present itself until a few years into our marriage. Sudden outburst, unrealistic thoughts and bizarre behavior was just the beginning. Constant accusations of cheating, jealousy and fear of being left alone while pushing me out at the same time was our life. Walking on eggshells...you better believe it, arguments were not uncommon! Ive always been the voice of reason and accepting responsibility in an effort to calm the waters. However, the better days far outweighed the bad, which i thought was a normal marriage. With that being said....the rest of the story.

We have always sought counseling when times where tough but it only touched the surface, BP was yet to be formally diagnosed. Its hard for BP to accept the disorder understandably so. Last year it all finally came to a head. I was promoted to an out of state position, we sold the house and prepared to move to our next adventure. She abruptly filed for divorce immediately after our sons HS graduation just prior to our move. I eventually lost my job of 15 years. We reconciled and began counseling again. We moved into an apartment, her drinking had increased dramatically. This is where it gets really bad, Bipolar had reached it peak. She tells me to leave and never come back, then begs me to come back, then leave, no come back..over and over. The whole time knowing she is reaching and I couldnt abandon her now...not at her most desperate time. She eventually attempts an unsuccessful overdose. Sad to say was a blessing since this allowed her to be admitted to a behavior health hospital. After one week she was released but re-admitted two weeks later for the same situation. Finally..a diagnosis...BiPolar II and Borderline Personality Disorder. Her and her doctors experiment with several types of medications and dosages. Its not over...she has one more breakdown, attacking me and I end up going to jail. Mind you we are both professionals, neither have had more than a speeding ticket. We decide to separate for 6 months and allow things to settle down, then reunite with a fresh start. Its been a year since the diagnosis and medications and its truly a miracle how much my wife has changed. Me on the other hand...I'm unemployed, my career is ruined, credit is a disaster, broke and my family doesn't speak to me since Ive decided to stay and support my wife and children. I know my purpose and god looks favorably upon my commitment. Note...my oldest son was in college and i moved my youngest son out of the situation temporarily so they weren't exposed to the breakdowns etc.

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01/07/2010 11:29 PM
Fierosmom

Welcome, I will not pretend I understand what you are going through because my experience with BP is of a daughter of a diagnosed mom and I am diagnosed myself. I have limited knowledge on Borderline, but there is also a BPD support group on MDJ and significant others are welcome to post.

I can suggest 2 great books

"Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder" by Julie Fast and

"The Bipolar Relationship" by Jon Bloch

For BPD So's I have read posts recomending "Walking on Egg Shells"

Please also remember to take care of yourself give yourself your own "Mental Health Break" Your partner is very lucky to have you. Again Welcome. Beth


01/08/2010 07:19 AM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16965
VIP Member

I can relate much to your situation and understand why you stay. I have been married for 16 years to a borderline male. There is no way to explain it but to say that it does make your life very crazy. I was a very strong person, worked full time and now I am as weak as a kitten. I did not get myself into financial difficulty but just went without. I've done a lot of self neglect, things like only having one pair of jeans-and just putting them on when I go out. We live in a 2 bedroom house even though our income is over 150 thousand a year and the housing market is weak here so we could have a much nicer home in our area but husband can't seem to see our needs.

We've had a lot of the blaming outbursts, many threats of divorce and suicide. I have also alienated my family just by telling them my reality. They don't understand why I would stay. After all this time I am so weak I don't know that I could raise four kids on my own. Each pregnancy after the first it was like "oh no!" because you know you're bringing another child into a bad situation and that the addition of another person not only makes it that much more difficult but also here is another human being being exposed to the behavior and if it is hereditary another human being that might be subjected to having the disorder themselves. As I say that I trust in God and don't judge. I believe my children and all children were put here on this earth for a reason etc etc. SO I am in about a big of a mess that you are. Therapists just tell me to leave, it's horrible. It seems impossible to find help to really work on the relationship. I just purchased a book from Amazon entitled High Conflict Couples. I would also invite you to join me at Land of Oz it's a yahoo group. And there are people mostly partners of people with borderline personality disorder that can give you lots of support and advice. Also a lot of men there that have been through this. I would highly recommend the site. And you can pm me here and I guess the contact through oz would be through email.

Welcome and I know your pain.

Damsel


01/08/2010 08:18 AM
Momoffive
Momoffive  
Posts: 12
Member

I can relate. I have been married for 20 years and 27 years together. I have had the same with my husband and it was until the past 4 years that the worst hit. He accused me of cheating, not only cheating but by being with employees and his best friend, brothers. I was appalled with the accusation. then he had the two peronalities, and anger, drinking, drugs, not coming home, but it was me who kicked him out of the house. None of this was true, and most of all we are a very religious family. Drinking is not an option in our church, but his excuse was he was hurting and I had hurt him. It took him almost 2 years to tell me even what I did. It became so physical with him too, but again it was my fault. The police were never called, I always called my Mom or Dad or one of his friends to help the situation. I could not believe what my life had become when everything was so wonderful. Again, we had had the situation you described of how marriage was thought to be. We were so in love, could work together but his insecurities became the main focus of everything. I started a business in construction and it was his idea. I became very successful within a year, but because he was not a part of this it also became the problem in our marriage. I did everything from home and all my bids, organization was done by phone. In Feb of 2007 we went to Mexico where on the beach while we were to have a massage together he accuses me of having an affair while there, mind you I never left his side, and then he was leaving me. I could not believe it. i was so far away from home and in such a mess. I went and got another room at the resort and I tried to stay level headed. he paced outside my room still accusing me of meeting someone there. We finally got through this ordeal when I contracted malaria in Mexico, we both did. I was so sick, he was sick too, but not as bad. after two weeks we were diagnoised he was better in a day I worsened and almost died. I was on life support for a week and told I would not make it through. Where was my husband? No where. My friends and family and ward members of my church is what got me through. He came the end of the week for a min,and wanted a second chance. Drama and all Go away come back go awya come back, was such a heart ache. When I finally had him, the man I married, not the man he could become I became better and it took me 6 months to get through this ordeal. He was secure, he was with me always, he could control what I did because I was not able to take care of myself. We have been ok for 2 years then we had an ordeal on my birthday last Sept. I then to left for the weekend with my kids because I was not going to spend it fighting with him or feeling bad. I enjoyed every minute. He then was sorry and would do whatever it takes to make it work. We went to doctors, he will nto take meds and only has seen a md which said he has BP and posibily multiple personality or something to go along with this. We do know he is adhd which has helped him in the past to get through alot of this I believe. Two weeks before christmas it started all over again. We were delivering Christmas gifts to our customers, he owns his company to and since malaria we have been working to manage both together. after leaving one of his customers and friend, which I had only met once briefly with him. We sat and talked the three of us about him losing his wife and how sad and down he has felt. He is in his late 50's I am 43. I was asked my opinion of dating after death and I consoled him and gave my opinion. After my husband was so cold and rude and arrigant to me. I asked what was wrong and told him I loved him, this is what I was told to do from our family therapist and doctors. He ignored me and very firmly said nothing is wrong. We left each other to drive home together, me in tears becasue I could see what was happening and him mad because of who knew what. He stayed in bed for our sons 8th birthday all weekend and I tried kindly to invite him to participate and he would say no thankyou. Then two days later he left. I still went on with our Christmas traditions, we enjoyed kurt Bestor with the two oldest and they were greatful that dad was not there so we could enjoy. We went to our church Christmas dinner and just acted like nothing was wrong. (we moved into a new community that is very rural and wonderful, but noone knows what we have been through) He then was mad at me for not including him in the days events. I finally found out when he communicated to me that he thought I was communicating with this man with my hands on my face. That we were a part of a group good or bad but was not including him. I talk with my hands and I was appaled that he made such a fuss over this. It is a controlling situation. I stood my ground and said I did nothing wrong. Usually I take the blame and I am so down and not myself almost everything is taken from me to even function during these episodes. He then left for work on Monday and called to say he needed money to live in our other house so he could furnish it, he was leaving and asked for a divorce, I said we will work through this after christmas because I knew in a few days things would be different. he was gone for two weeks, and came home on Wed before Christmas. He did come home a few other times, but left so abruptly, and I always asked him to stay. What I find out he wanted me to beg him to stay. He wanted me to go and get him, As I look at all of this. During this whole time my Father who has lung cancer and had had two treatments found out that the chemo was not working and the lung cancer is at stage 4 and is growing rapidly. I am trying to work through this with my Mom and Dad, which we are all very close. I have a brother that I have not seen for 5 years because I would not lend him money $5,000 for which I knew was for drugs. He too is BP, Multiple personalaity and gay, aids, and a ratical lifestyle which I am not too familiar with, but I was supportive until he got mad at me for this. I am with five children 13 to 5 and I know that I finally have a problem with the older childen. With my Heavenly Father by my side I have been blessed in so many ways. He has helped me to stay positive, unloved for so many years. I feel that my husband is selfish in so many ways, but I ahve been able to get through this. I too want to make it work but I feel like it is so much easier to deal with my five kids, and life without the hurt and with my husband. He is more work than everything else. I love him with all my heart and he tries so hard, but we keep following the same patterns. I do not want to fear loosing my security as I walk on eggshells. he does not understand, but does realize that he is selfish and needs to put me first. I am not energized by his phyiscal person, but when he truly loves and and understands me. To me there is a difference. I am confused today, I am so on a fence and I see that I am not the same person I used to be. First, I am a better person than i was two years ago, but I am not to where I was before that. I am afraid to do anything in fear of being accused, or degrated. I usually do not even go onto the computer because he accuses me of being a part of a secret group. this is the first time I have even corrisponded with someone other than our family therapist or MD. My heart goes out to you becasue I understand the commitment you have and that our Father in Heaven understands us. I know that we are not given anything more than we can handle and we have to learn from our trials. i know that Faith is important and through faith all things are possible. Two years ago I changed my license plate to HVFAITH. I want anyone who is going through a hardtime to know that life is ok and through Faith we can get through it. Thanks for taking the time to listen and Know that I understand all that you are feeling. I am excited that a new one is one the way. Usually when you have something that close from Heaven placed in your home the spirit changes things and you will feel close to each other, especially since she is taking meds. Enjoy and pray and wear your knees out so that you too can enjoy this time. Blessings come in different packages and as we look at all this look at the glass being half full, count your blessings and name them one by one. You being with out work, it will come. There is a DVd and book called the secret. It is the power of positive affirmation and what you think is what will happen. i believe that this too is something that has pulled me through the toughest times. I need to reflect on what I just told you to get through this time with my husband too. I need to remember what makes me strong and as always I put everything into the Lords hands and I know all will be well. I just hope that we go back to having 80% of our time good instead of 80% of our time bad. I think that is why we have made it this far. We have had the hospital time to be admitted and it did not work, they sent him home. He can be convincing, and cute, but when you see the real side it is so wrong. Enjoy your day knowing you are special in the eyes of so many and your family does not really understand the importance of your commitment. Is is right we are committed? only we will know through prayer and love and relationship with our Heavenly Father. I know days are not easy, but I pray you will be able to get through them with places like this for people to talk to. I know just hearing your story has helped me know I am not alone and that I can get through this whether it is together or apart. I have been on the side of apart and I am pulled because is it right? Is this the controlling person telling me what I want to hear? A friend that's prayers are with you

01/08/2010 09:25 AM
DrewTx
Posts: 22
Member

Momoffive, this is was also my first post to any forum so I know there comes a time when we all need to see it on paper. Ive often thought i could have written a novel but after seeing this site it would only plagiarize whats already been written. So many things i want to get off my chest..i start with one thought/ incident and another comes to mind, which one do I choose. Whats kills me the most is how my family (4 sisters, I'm the 45 and the youngest) doesn't understand why i stay with her. They don't understand mental illness is a disease, would or should it be different if it was cancer? Now with a baby on the way, they are really upset and don't want to bring up the subject. I stay in this marriage for many reason. 1. i love my wife and its my duty as a husband and christian to support her till death do us part. 2. protect our children, had we divorce they would have ended up living with her, out of my reach and unprotected. 3. I'm Catholic and have a strong belief in marriage and family. There is always a way to make things work. My mother and father have been supportive and continue to forgive my wife time after time. She has done so many mean and hateful things to my family..from sending hateful emails, letters, accusations and personal threats. They have always forgiven her, and want to include her with all their activities, but she would always find some bizarre reason to run or point a finger. She is a very intelligent and convincing women, which she has used to her advantage. The image she has portrait me as is beyond comprehension. Granted I'm no angel i have my moments and its easy to place blame. She has burned all her bridges, no friends, only her brother which has also been subjected to her behavior. Oops...retract the "angel" comment, her brother says im an angel for staying with her. She relies on me and only me for her support which I have accepted the responsibility. Another thing that disturbs me is i recently caught her abusing our dog on more than one occasion. Ive discussed and firmly opposed as this was not normal behavior and violates our level of trust. My son has threatened to call the police, which i that would be devastating. I told the boys the dog might have to go, they are terrified of losing their only close companion because of her. Again, i am here to calm the waters and instill peace.

The incident which caused me to be arrested was my breaking point, i had HAD it, I honestly thought I was going to hurt her. I stopped and realized what I had become, this calm and loving man has shown a side that scared me. I look at other families and married couples and see how they communicate and dream of having the same, but i know it will never be. This is the life i have been given and starting to see why I was united with my wife..had we not met i fear where she would be. At one point i contemplated suicide seriously, the pain was so strong and subsiding. But i knew the many consequences both on this earth and the other side. I see a therapist and on meds for depression. Other than that i have no support except myself. Of course i have a network of buddies but they don't want to hear about my problems...they have their own.

This site is a relief to find, it feels good to record my thoughts and even better when I hear from others like yourself who are dealing with the same circumstances. Stay strong and keep praying. Where there is fear there is no love, love is fearless.


01/09/2010 07:59 PM
flyingbananas
Posts: 12
Member

I have also been jailed as a direct result from my wife's BP. I am at the crossroads now.

Book VIII (1678–1679), fable 16 (The Horoscope)

Variant: A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.

Good time for the 3Cs

- you didnt cause it

- you cant control it

- you cant cure it

Strong and healthy mind. I am in control.

Post edited by: flyingbananas, at: 01/09/2010 08:04 PM


01/10/2010 01:46 AM
ann1974
Posts: 146
Member

Dear DrewRx and Banana:

I feel your pain and your strength and unconditional love to support and love your spouse made me speechless. I guess they are very fortunate to have you in their lives. I'm a christian as well but not as religious and you.

Pls take good care of yourself and your kids. U really need some quality time to stay away from bp spouses sometimes.

God bless you all and BIG HUGS


01/10/2010 01:05 PM
AJC
AJCPosts: 3
New Member

I have not posted here for 2 years, but needed to come and read and relate to others once again who may understand.

Your subject is mine, I have been married for 32 years to my bipolar husband. He was finally diagnosed 7 years ago, after years of depression and mania and finally being arrested.Today he collects SS disability, takes his meds and sleeps. He is not living, but occasionally he has his good days, but last week I found out that he has been using these good days to gamble.He has now admitted to not taking some of his meds. I found a checking account with deposits from several credit cards, so now once again he is in deep debt. It is just another cycle of destruction that bipolar disease is..

But my life is ruined too, and I sit here as an empty nester and ask WHY? WHY do I allow him to destroy all that I am, and why am I so commited to him.You must feel the same, please do not allow yourself to be lost. Take your children and make the life you and they deserve, before you are married 32 years like me w/ nothing but mostly regrets. I have spent my life trying to fix him, but I can not. God Bless you and may he give you strength.


01/10/2010 01:12 PM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16965
VIP Member

I'm so sorry AJC for your pain and frustration. I hope that you find relief somehow and that God shows you another way to feel all the success that you deserve to feel for all of your hard years of work and sacrifice.

Damsel


01/10/2010 02:40 PM
WARHORSE
WARHORSE  
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Drew: Welcome to our world... Unfortunately, we are now broke as well, mostly due to this illness. But my husband finally got the help he needed after a suicide attempt 12 years ago, and things are pretty good with us now. As for the financial aspect, it's difficult to address other than to say I finally pushed it into the 'right' pigeonhole in my mind, meaning it's not as important as I once thought.

Right now I'm only working pt due to the economy, he is starting some new work next week, and I gave up looking to family members for support long ago. My on-line buddies are my lifesavers, now. They have walked in my shoes, and I have little respect for those who haven't.

P.S. We've been married 22+ years.

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