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12/29/2009 07:46 PM

I did not want a divorce. I am broken hearted.

Posts: 7

I was married more than 8 years. Within the first year, my husband displayed a classic bipolar episode. His baseline personality was wonderful and giving, but like a light switch, he turned into to an overly angry, verbally abusive person over a trivial matter. As time went on, these episodes and mood swings became more frequent. Over time, I knew his 'tendencies' were really a 'disorder' but I remained committed and devoted to him. When I would mention counseling, he would get angry and state that "I" was the one who needed help- not him.

I was to blame for everything. I lived at times with a Jekyl and Hyde, and he showed these changing personalities to me only. Outside of our home, he was well-liked and the life of the party. Of course, I was in love with 'the good guy', and tried to tolerate the 'bad guy' because that guy usually did not stay too long. I believed that one day we could overcome this obstacle- with a combination of meds and a miracle. This was not to be. Two years ago, he cycled into a very bad episode, and his verbal and emotional abuses were increasing and more aggressive. I was walking on eggshells and just wanted help for both him and our marriage. He stated he found a 'new religion' and he could no longer be happy with me. He also found a woman in his 'new Church' and shortly thereafter, he filed for divorce. I was devastated. I put up with so much intermittent abuse, and he left me- something he stated he would NEVER do. In fact, he made me promise that I would never 'give up' on him. He stated he could not bear the thought of me rejecting or abandoning him. I promised I never would. When we separated, he went on impulsive spending sprees with this woman, got into debt, and within a year, this relationship fell apart. I was so hurt by the adultery, I couldn't see straight. He tried to reconcile with me last year, but he got angry during the phone conversation and I hung up. About a month ago, I received a call from the State Police. He was killed by a drunk driver, and I had to identify his body. At the Services, many of his co-workers told me that he was still in love with me and sorry about the divorce. I am so upset that I did not give him another chance when he wanted reconciliation. As dysfunctional as he was, I loved him very much, and believed he was a good person with a bad disease. I am brokenhearted that it ended this way. Has anyone been in this position? My grief has been endless- grieving what could have been and what will never be.


12/29/2009 08:18 PM
Posts: 111

I am so sorry for your loss. I know this will not make you feel any better but you probably would still wonder what your life could be like even if he was still here. At least you know that the part of him that held the kind, loving man you married still loved you. Everything does happen for a reason and while those reasons are nevr clear I hope you find closure and happiness. Good luck to you.

12/29/2009 08:48 PM
Posts: 364

I am so sorry for all that you have been through. Maybe you can find some consolation that he may be at peace now? Hugs and condolences. I am speechless.

12/29/2009 11:44 PM
LenaPosts: 578

Your story made me cry. I'm so sorry you have to go through that much pain. I am sending you hugs and prayers

12/30/2009 02:31 AM
Posts: 241

Oh my goodness, I feel so sorry. But please dont take on any guilt, you supported him and you loved him so much, you couldnt have done more than that. God Bless.

12/30/2009 06:44 AM
Posts: 5057
VIP Member

Nightingale: Like the others, I read your story and was stunned. (Also made me cry, too.) You will have to work thru your grief at your own pace to get thru this. I definitely recommend counseling, if you haven't already done that.

Having said that, I wanted you to know that everything you have said about your husband's behavior is CLASSIC BP stuff...everything was your fault, and you're the one who needed counseling...he could be kind and nice to others, but not to you...infidelity...excessive spending... It's all there. Unless and until he would have made the decision to get help, there was NOTHING you could have done to change or help him, even if you could have moved heaven and earth. Please don't take anything onto yourself. Go out into the world in good faith, knowing that you are an extraordinarily kind, caring individual. Give those qualities to someone who can appreciate them.

You are welcome here anytime!

12/30/2009 06:47 AM
damselndistressPosts: 17413
VIP Member

My story with my husband mimics yours minus the divorce and the other woman. My husband has only threatened those. I know how much we love these people and struggle to love them and how our entire lives end up being on one big giant roller coaster.

I don't want to minimize this or say anything that sounds petty, I am very sorry for your loss, you lost several times not just the normal loss of your husband.

But you don't ever have to stop loving him. It is the end of a chapter in your life and you need to grieve and give yourself plenty of time to accept his death.

When we lose someone close it's not something you get over it's something you carry with you every day of your life.

I cannot foresee what your relationship would have been like if you would have reconciled with your ex husband. I do believe he loved you. There would have most likely been the ups and downs as you already went through but you and I both know there would have been some good days too and that is what we long to experience and to remember were all of those good times.

No one's life is perfect and no one can judge you for your feelings.

I can relate very much to how you feel about not wanting your relationship to end, I feel the same way about my relationship.

I did go to a lawyer immediately after I asked my husband to leave on this occasion and the first words out of my mouth were I don't want a divorce I love my husband!!!

Take care and post here and vent and journal in your diary and day by day you will be able to live with this even though it hurts very bad.

Allow your self to go through all of the emotion and the tears to run down your face. It is very sad and I am sad for you. But you will get through this.

12/30/2009 07:32 AM
Posts: 393

Nightingale, My heart aches for you, words are not enough. I do not know what it is like to loose my SO with BP through death, only through abandoment and infidelity, that is bad enough but you lost yours to all three. To say I am sorry for your loss just seems so insignificant but I truly am. My Mom was murdered in a random act of violence when I was a teen so I can understand the lack of closure and never having an opportunity to say goodbye as well as the anger of knowing your loved ones life was taken away by another persons decisions. It is easy to say don't feel guilty but not always so easy to do. I remember having an argument with my mom the night before she was killed and that was our last conversation, I've never forgotten it. I hope you are able to find some peace. Post here any time we will always listen.

01/01/2010 08:07 PM
Posts: 46

Dear Nightindale,

I have just read your post, and it is indeed a sad story. I am very sorry for the loss of your husband, and for the pain that you have endured, first with the struggle in the relationship, then thru the divorce, and now with his passing. Please know that you did your very best, and that one person can only take so much. It was clear that you were trying everything to make your marriage work, while he was not for whatever reason. You were left with no choice and I am sorry that he was killed, but you must not blame yourself.

With a new year comes new beginnings, take time to grieve and for yourself to heal, maybe seek out some grief counseling if you aren't already, but you will be OK.

I will say a prayer for you.

Hugs & blessings to you,


01/01/2010 08:13 PM
Posts: 57

I pray that you find peace. Like everyone has said it was not your fault. I have a simlar story. I don't want divorce right now but he has given me no choice.

Take care


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