Bipolar in the family Support Group

Hi all.

About a month and a half ago my boyfriend broke up with me. We dated about 2 years. About 9 months into the relationship he told me he was bipolar which explained a lot about the fights we had been having. And at first I was optimistic that we could work things out. Then, I found out how complicated this disorder is. He was unmedicated for most of our relationship. A few months ago he went through a really severe depression and realized that he needed to get help. (Thank God!) Since he was put on medication and started seeing a therapist things were "calmer" but we lost what little communication we had left between us.

What I'm looking for is advice about the aftermath of a breakup with a bipolar person. Obviously all bipolar people are not the same but I'm looking for someone who has been or is going through a situation like mine. I've done a lot of research and I can tell he is manic/hypomanic now which is typically when people with this disease make decisions like this. Before we broke up he had been spending money like crazy on things that made no sense to me. I'm pretty sure he started dating someone else now, maybe even before we broke up. He had hinted to that a few times before in the relationship but never acted on it. I also know that a lot of bipolar people crash from their "highs" and realize what they did and try to come back. He has done this before with me but usually it was the next day or a few days later.

We haven't had a lot of communication since the break up (only a few short emails). I thought it was best to keep my distance right now and I believe he feels the same way. I still love him and I worry about him constantly. I want to be prepared mentally and emotionally in case he wants to talk or tries to come back. I told him in my last few emails that he can always talk to me if he needs to.

I really could write a novel here about our relationship but I don't know where to start. If there is something I'm leaving out, please let me know.

EDIT: I wanted to add that I do know the reality of this disorder and that I'm not expecting things to fix themselves right away or easily. What I'm looking for is help being prepared for when (if...) he comes back-someone who has had this happen to them in their relationships with bipolar partners.

Post edited by: OTCH05, at: 12/17/2009 10:16 AM

OTCH05~

I am currently separating from my husband of 4 and a half years because I believe he has bipolar disorder. He does not accept it, but my therapist says he most likely has it. She is not able to diagnose, but she has seen us together, and his behaviors fit much of the criteria.

My point to you is, had I known he had this, or had I seen this at any time before we were married, I would not have married him. I don't know if this is appropriate to say on this site or not, but here goes: Since you are only dating and have not yet gotten married, I would tell you to run for the hills!

Nobody should have to live like this. The layers of destruction that bp leaves in its wake to all those nearby is more difficult than anyone can imagine.

If you want a stable secure life, with minimal financial and emotional upheaval, find someone who can give it to you while you still have the chance.

I wish you the best of luck, and I'm sorry if this sounded harsh. That is not my intention. I would just be glad if I could spare someone the pain that I am going through, and have been going through for quite some time now.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you very much. I have heard this over and over again but I think I am way too stubborn and patient for my own good. I have also heard "it will basically go on until you've had enough and you're done" I honestly thought I was ready to give up when he broke up with me this last time. What bothers me so much is the feeling "if he only understood..."

He may never come back. I don't know how long I'm willing to wait yet but I know that right now I still want to try to work things out. I also know that being in a "relationship" with him is not what would be best. I am hoping we can be friends. We'll see though.

My ex left 3 times and came back twice. He was always very remorseful at first and said that things would be different this time, of course they never were. The 3rd time another women was/is involved and that kind of betrayal due to BP or not I could not take. My ex has BPII rapid cycling and is an alcoholic. He did try to contact me with the let's be "friends" thing after the 3rd time and I could not do it. For me it is to hard watching the man you love with someone else, acting like your relationship with him just didn't mean much. It is hard to say for sure how your ex wil act if he does come back because everyone is different. If you are able to keep an emotional distance from him, if it would not bother you to see him with someone else and you can be just his friend then thats great. It is a real roller coaster and it does leave the SO of the person with BP often feeling, helpless, empty, fustrated and alone so do be sure to protect yourself. The sad reality of it is for many of us that as much as we stand by them often times it does not change and if we resolve to say we love them so much and would never leave them regardless of their illness, they end up leaving us for what they see as greener pastures. It may takes months and sometimes years of going back and fourth but the harsh reality is most of us end up alone and often broken in some way regardless of how loyal we were to them. I do know that is not the case for all and you may be part of the 10% who make it either way prepare yourself for a bumpy ride if this person remains a part of your life. Take care

Try reading up on codependent behaviors. The need to "fix" or "rescue", it might explain why you want to be with him even though you know it's not healthy. I know I had to read and read and read to understand what MY problem was. Yes, they have an illness, but there is also something wrong with US if we continue to be in a damaging relationship. It hurts to hear this, I know it hurt me a lot. But I've learned a lot.