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12/17/2009 08:21 AM

Crossroads

iamstillstanding
Posts: 65
Member

Today, I just feel weird. Last week at this time...I was feeling super angry and resentful. I saw my husband the next day for five minutes (to talk about our cable service). It was the first time in 2 months that I wasn't a sobbing, pitiful, begging weakling. I was actually quite strong. My husband didn't look anything like himself. I actually felt no connection to him at all...it was like he was a stranger. He wouldn't look at me in the face. After talking to him, I was able to walk away...without trying to figure out a way to spend more time with him or without him leaving me again.

He has since sent me two email messages - one about our gym membership and the other about meeting to discuss more pressing issues (at my request). The emails weren't super harsh like before...one of them was even kind of nice...like he may be coming down.

But I refuse to look at this as some sign of hope because I don't want to be disappointed. Today, I just feel like...well I don't know how I feel. I retained an attorney yesterday to answer the divorce complaint; this was quite difficult. I am supposed to meet with my husband at the bookstore tomorrow to talk about our finances (really the lack therof)...I guess I am getting nervous about how the meeting will go. Actually, I think I am afraid.

I really just want this to be over. I have been standing for my marriage, but I don't know what I really want anymore. This time apart has allowed me start loving me again and I don't know if I can love him AND me...

I used to feel so...not enough - not pretty enough, not smart enough, not anything enough. I was always feeling nervous, walking on eggshells, trying to prove my worth to him so that I could feel loved. It got to the point where I just began to shut down because I just felt so bad about myself.

I just don't want to get sucked back in just when I am feeling stronger (not strong, but stonger). I want my husband to get help...I want a healthy marriage...(at least one where we are both working to be our best selves). My husband will not admit that he needs help and according to his friends and family...he never will. I guess today...I am conflicted...I have a lot of mixed emotions.

I hate BP. It has left a path of destruction taking with it my marriage, my dreams, my money, my credit, and my self-esteem. I am now rebuilding and I refuse to let BP take anymore from me.

I am still standing...but I am beginning to stand for me and it is scary and exciting.

Thanks for all of your continued love and support. I appreciate your letting me share and your sharing with me.

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12/17/2009 10:30 AM
outsidein
Posts: 33
New Member

Thank you for sharing. Its nice to see someone start to find themselves again. It can be scary at times, but it is also a wonderful thing to go through the discovery of who you are and what you are capable of.

12/17/2009 05:40 PM
ForeverJaded
Posts: 208
Member

I also thank you for sharing. I understand strong vs stronger very well. I also identify with "not enough." You seem to be on a path for you right now. I'm excited and scared for you also. We're here. Keep us updated!

12/17/2009 06:42 PM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

iamstillstanding, I think you are doing all you can do at this point to think of you . I am sure many of us kinda wax and wane as to how we feel as time does go on .

12/17/2009 06:48 PM
Spouseofbipolar
 
Posts: 364
Member

iamstillstanding~

Good for you! Stay strong! Be proud of yourself!

I understand your mixed emotions. Stay strong and confident, especially in front of him, even if you go home and cry for hours later on. You can do it! Good luck tomorrow when you meet him. It will be melancholy to say the least, but you have been through worse. Certainly you'll handle the meeting with him. You're stronger now and you will do this!

Good luck!


12/17/2009 06:55 PM
iamstillstanding
Posts: 65
Member

Thanks so much for all of your support. I will keep you all posted.

12/18/2009 01:22 PM
iamstillstanding
Posts: 65
Member

So the meeting was today...well, let's just say it went. It started off a little awkard, but then we had some small talk where we were just kind of catching up...I saw him smile. I got a glimpse of the man I fell in love with. Soon as we begin to talk about things that were more serious...he began to disappear again. I tried to get some closure on some of the things that have happened over these past couple of months..BIG MISTAKE.

He eventually just got up and left when I began to recall some of the hurtful things he said and did to me. I sent him a message about my deserving someone who is willing to deal with their issues. He sent me this message in response:

"I'm just tired of you telling me I'm bipolar - how far has that gotten you? Good luck in finding the man you deserve because its definitely not someone as sick as me."

I really don't fully understand the denial part of this disease - especially after a diagnosis.

I still feel strong. I didn't cry. I didn't chase after him. I am just numb I guess. I do love him, but I can't do anything to make him get the help...I can't do or say anything that will make him accept that he is bipolar.

But I can love me...I can do the work on myself so that I am whole in my next relationship... While there is a part of me that hopes that relationship is with a healthy version of my husband, I will eventually open myself up to explore that with someone else.


12/18/2009 04:29 PM
grafxbydiane
grafxbydiane  
Posts: 7846
VIP Member

iamstillstanding.I have gotten the same response when i encouraged my bf to get help . He said to me that I need to find someoen one that needs me Wth I am thinking but this usually happens when he is going through a manic stage .

12/19/2009 12:05 AM
Lena
LenaPosts: 578
Member

I now think that it might have been a mistake to tell my husband that he is bipolar and manic. That just pushed him further away. But then again it depends, maybe it was a blessing that he left ... Now I find some kind of peace in thinking that he is responsible for his feelings and his doings. I don't say a thing, I don't try to contact him in anyway. If he feels that I am the bad person, then so is it. His feelings are real for him. I kind of quit thinking that I can reason with him, that I can make him see how things really are. I can't. I think that he is always that person that he is at the current moment. I am not so much thinking that it is the illness that makes him what he is. What ever the reason he is what he is. Realizing that is quite a relief. So, what ever is - it is. Take care!

12/19/2009 06:59 AM
sc4070
 
Posts: 1217
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Mental illness of any kind is something someone would deny. It has a stigma. When there isn't a test that can prove it (like diabetes) then it becomes as opinion. My husband doesn't know normal. He has probably been bipolar since late teens and now approaching 50 the doctors and me tell him there is something wrong. I can understand the denial. Especially if the illness is active and messing with the way they are thinking. It wasn't until my husband was on meds and started to level out was he able to admit anything.

If I thought the way I behave is acceptable and suddenly were to be told I am not.... I don't know how I would handle it. I know for me, I wanted my husband to be better so badly, I understood what was happening, I knew he could be better (hopefully), I didn't love him less for it (maybe less because of it being untreated) - but he didn't see it that way.

I compare it to trying to tell a blind person what sight is. They can't really understand until they experience it. Both from the BP and non-BP side. As a non-BP we understand what is happening, but we don't really relate.

Years ago, I have severe Graves Disease. I was paranoid, rages, high energy.... it was a thyroid issue. Until they destroyed the gland I had no idea why things were the way they were. I couldn't see the forest for the trees. It may be why I somewhat understand my husband. However, if they won't get treatment and continue to be in denial there is nothing we can do. It hurts tremendously when those we love could make things better but don't. Yet, that is part of the illness.

It is so complicated from so many aspects. One thing I have learned though, trying to convince a BP they are BP when in mania is wasted breath. It doesn't happen. It escalates everything.

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