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12/17/2009 05:08 AM

Feeling betrayal from in laws

damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16955
VIP Member

I know it's a common feeling that we feel as partners to our person with issues feels. That we get discounted by in laws. That they even dislike and resent our mentioning that hey you know things just aren't right with your son/daughter's thinking.

I have had extreme levels of this over the years with my mother in law telling me that I deserved my husband's treatment of me and that everyone behaves in this way.

I guess part of writing this post is to work out my own feelings regarding this issue.

My husband whatever his diagnosis is displays some disturbing behaviors at times. They are very extreme and shocking and I have witnessed them in the past and range from punching a hole in a wall, to throwing an end table, to kicking a cupboard door, to disconnecting electricity or internet as a form of manipulation.

Due to his behavior Dec 1st when he refused to give me money for groceries and was threatening divorce I asked him to leave our home. That following Saturday I had to go to work, and when I got home our back door was standing open and our bathroom sink, that he had installed a couple years ago was not operating. All other sources of water worked in the home, but neither side of this double sink would function. I just thought sure, there were signs that he had been by the home, some tires were gone that he wanted, that he had come in and shut the water off to that sink and I just got frantic until I got it going again.

I just had dinner with him last night and he said during this 16 day separation we had he also thought of bringing his car over, pulling it in the driveway, pouring gasoline all over and torching it just to show that the car didn't mean anything to him. The symbolism of this is that he indeed has poured hours of time and loads of cash into this car while the 6 of us have lived in a 2 bedroom home.

But torching the car is an example of the extreme thoughts of actions that he comes up with doing that really aren't normal in my mind. It would have obviously traumatized me and the children and is not only destructive but hazardous as well.

He said he mentioned it to his friends and they discouraged him from carrying this out. I don't know if they started to see during this time that he is a little off or if they just don't care and explain everything away-who knows.

The thing that is upsetting to me is that when I found the sink in that state I was shaking all over. I was upset. I called his parents first who seemed to be helpful at the time and told them what was going on. During our dinner last night husband mentioned oh yeah mom and dad had a good chuckle about that one. It makes my stomach turn. What kind of people are these? Are their boundaries so lose that they do really think this stuff is just child's play and something to laugh about? Did they make my husband the way he is today? Did they not respond appropriately when he did disturbing things to where he just got further and further out there because he never got appropriate feedback? Are they a bit off themselves-yeah I'm beginning to think so. Part of me is so either strong right now or I just don't care anymore that I am half tempted to confront them on that and let them know how much it disturbs me.

I know this is my personality but once someone betrays me if you want to call it that in such an insensitive uncaring way such as this, with no concern or remorse for what I've been through with this guy I just lose all respect for them. I guess it is easier for them to just think I'm a prude and a whiner than to accept that their son has a problem.

I will never trust them again (my personality coming out here I realize) and am not sure how I will handle this. I guess if I mention it they will just hate me more and if there is a divorce just be glad that they are no longer having to deal with me. I'm glad that I know where they are on this stuff. That I am not trying to love them when they seem so devious to me. I maybe wrong in my viewpoint to see it this way, but it is very difficult after 16 years of marriage and 3 years of dating to see it any other way. Yes there have been issues there but my husband's behavior towards me has been down right abusive and cruel and they seem to think it's okay and want to laugh about it. It's one thing dealing with my husband-if there truly is an illness there the behaviors go along with that. It's not something I should be taking personally. For bystanders to laugh at it is unexcusable. My feelings towards them right now aren't very good. They can go jump off the nearest cliff as far as I am concerned.

Any help with this would be appreciated.

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12/17/2009 05:17 AM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16955
VIP Member

I should mention too that I hate having any kind of bad feelings towards anyone. I think it brings almost a bad karma into our lives, is bad luck, has the potential to make us sick, to carry hate around with us.

It is something I desire to work out in my mind even if I just give it to God and say this is too big for me, this really hurts God how would you have to me to continue a loving relationship with these people that have hurt me so bad and continue to do so.

So I do need to let it go, just know where they are at, try not to harbor any ill feelings about them, and focus so much on finding peace in my life amidst this chaos. I guess I already knew snakes existed. I try not to let them bother me and I stay away from them. I get creeped out when I see them in person and usually only see them on tv. Ha my in laws get interviewed from time to time by the local news. But we live in harmony with other creatures that we don't necessarily have an affection for. I just need to look at them as snakes-something to avoid when at all possible. Blink


12/17/2009 05:56 AM
iamstillstanding
Posts: 65
Member

Damselindistress-I am sorry that you are going through this with your husband and your in-laws. I am having similiar experiences. My mother-in-law (who I am very close to) has been little to no help and has simply made me angry everytime I have had a conversation with her. Both of her sons are bipolar, my brother-in-law hasn't taken care of his daughter in years and now lives in another country and has limited communication with her. My husband has treated me like crap, left me and refuses to even acknowledge his diagnosis. Well, since I have been talking to her, I realize that she is emotionally unstable herself. She is unable to hear what he has done. She wants to act like that this isn't happening. Some members of his family totally understand whereas others kind of understand...but not really. You know, I have come to realize that I can't really give any stock to people who don't understand...it is like speaking Spanish to someone who speaks German. We live with our BP spouses and have difficulty understanding their behavior - so you can only imagine how it sounds/appears to their family members who hear about their actions. Talking to certain people simply puts me in a horrible place; therefore, I have stopped talking to them. If after I talk to them, I don't feel understood or uplifted, I limit my communication with them.

Regarding harboring the hate, you are so right...hate hurts you...it doesn't hurt the others. The best thing to do is to pray for them...and to show them love. I am a Christian so the phrase that Jesus said on the cross helps me - "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do." There is freedom in forgiveness and liberty when we choose peace even if that means we limit our communication with the people we love. I will be praying for you and your family.


12/17/2009 06:34 AM
sc4070
 
Posts: 1217
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

damselindistress - I can so feel for you. I had tremendous difficulty with my in-laws. I finally came to the conclusion they either didn't see it, chose not to, or he manipulated them so well I never stood a chance.

Today my situation has changed and I do have some members on my side, but I went through hell to get here. There is nothing worse than not being believed or even worse dismissed.

I finally had to send a letter outlining everything, turning him over to them and God. I told them everything. I put it back on them and prepared a 31 pad .pdf from the NIMH website, included a few other printouts and mailed it to them. Of the three packages I sent, two were received well - it was our turning point. I no longer felt alone. However, prior to this one of the members had gone so far to throw me off their land based on what my husband had them believing.

They didn't know, what they didn't know. Some are still blind and in denial. You can get frustrated (I know I did and still do at times), but need to release the bitterness of their ignorance for your own sake. BP is destructive and sometimes I feel it destroyed me more than my husband. But I have had to accept its destruction of me, falls to me. Why? Because, I can choose to not let it destroy me. Easier said than done, I know. But with enough time and focusing on you - realizing you did nothing wrong and are not to blame, it becomes easier.

Family and friends are not always going to understand this illness. There is no test results that prove it is BP; therefore, they either understand or they do not. It is unfortunate, but I not only do I consider this site for bipolar in the family, but in many ways MY FAMILY.


12/17/2009 07:29 AM
broken33
broken33  
Posts: 393
Member

damsel, I am so sorry that your in laws did that to you. Laughing at what you are going through is not a normal reaction. Your in-laws probably have some mental health issues as well, it does run in families. Knowing that may help you to not take it so personally but it does not help you to be able to deal with all you have to deal with. Is your family supportive? Do you have close friends you talk with. I am lucky that my ex's parents are wonderful people who were very supportive of course it didn't help us stay together but at least I felt support. Know that people here care about you. It's funny we are all strangers but share this common bond. Please take care of yourself.

12/17/2009 07:38 AM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16955
VIP Member

Thank you everyone for your wonderful support.

This is the place I come to be understood.

No one else can quite no what it is like to be in love with the person that is doing this stuff to you. And we all know that it is not intentional that it is the illness that causes the behavior.

I guess my parents are at the other extreme of totally hating my husband. They just want me to be rid of him and don't see that he can do any good for our family.

It's hard to get them to realize that it is possible for him to give to me some much needed quality time as a wife and provide needs for both me and the children. If this can be managed somehow so that we can share positive times together I don't understand why that is so out of the question to them. They just fear for our safety and feel he is not sincere. I believe he is as sincere as he is able to be he is just always on an emotional roller coaster.

Thank you so much

Damsel


12/17/2009 07:50 AM
iamstillstanding
Posts: 65
Member

Damselindistress-My family is about where your family is...my sister tries to remain hopeful...but I know they all want me to just leave my husband as they have said, "I deserve better!" It is hard to explain to them...it's like they think something is wrong with you for wanting to remain with our bp spouses. But we must remember, that this is our journey and we are the only ones who can decide what we will and will not put up with....

12/17/2009 08:06 AM
scotty04901
scotty04901  
Posts: 2579
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I must admit part of me sees their side, but, you take the " For Better or For Worse " literally. Tell them that.You need to do what you feel is right. There is always the other option open to you.

12/17/2009 08:56 AM
ExhaustedMom
ExhaustedMom  
Posts: 52
Member

Your in-laws will betray you and will support their son. It's wrong that they laughed and is unacceptable. I would not trust them EVER again and stay away from talking with them or seeing them. Obviously they are not "right" in the head.

When my "ex" and I divorced I talked with his mom a bit, but she eventually backed her son and threw me out. I could no longer trust her, speak to her, or have anything to do with her. It was really hard because I did have a good relationship with her for about 8 years.

I am so sorry you are going through this heart breaking and scary road in life. Do you have a restraining order to prevent your husband from coming to the house? If he is thinking of burning his car at your home... that's a threat to you and your children's lives. What if you were home and the fire spread to the house? There are many what if's. And then the questions is, would a restraining order stop him or just make him more angry and aggressive?

Do you have a therapist and an attorney? If not, I'd suggest you get both. Legal advice and protection sounds very necessary and therapy for you and your children to get through this.


12/17/2009 08:10 PM
damselndistress
damselndistressPosts: 16955
VIP Member

I did see an attorney right away for a consult.

She referred me to an accountant and told me to get into counseling and get the kids in. She said they are the ones she is worried about.

Husband and I have just resumed talking via email 2 days ago and went out to dinner last evening to discuss Christmas planning for the kids.

He seems sane at this time. It's sad to say but it may be at the point that as soon as I see him starting to turn I have to get him out of the house to protect the kids and me, I know that is not uncommon when dealing with someone with a mental illness.

He agrees to going to therapy and my therapist is on vacation until after the holidays so he is still staying with a friend until that can happen in January. I told him we would take things slowly and make sure we both were in agreement of spending time together again.

He is giving me child support and so far his mood seems stable since I have initiated contact again.

He seems to just be doing great at work or so he says.

Most of my husband's dysfunction seems to be more apparent around home and towards me. I am the one he seems to focus his anger on.

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