Bipolar in the family Support Group

I need your help. I find myself sinking into depression over this.

Just feel like Ive wasted my entire life. I am 55, havent spoken to BPD in 6 months, cant even get a date on one of these online dating sites and just feel like

Ive ruined everything

I saw our old couples counselor yesterday and he is trying to help

His response is that I need to work out what I was doing with such severe psychopathology and he knew him well so he knows what he is saying

Well I know what I was doing

Like the child of an alcoholic I though I could fix my ex but I couldnt

and Im left alone with nothing but the debris this has caused

Its sort of like- what the hell did I expect in the first place

I knew from the onset I couldnt make him whole

why did I waste 10 years of my life trying

now Im too old for anyone else

Im totally utterly heartbroken

You are NOT too old. What do you like to do? Are you going out with friends? It doesn't sound like you are ready to date... After situations such as we've been through I think it is best to fix oursleves first- to make ourselves whole before we try to give to anyone else. Start with you andmake yourself go do things and fight your depression first. The rest will fall into place when it is supposed to.

{{{{rhon}}}}

I totally agree with wifeof. You are not too old and still have plenty of life left. Don't worry about starting a new relationship just yet. Find some activities that you enjoy and get to know yourself again first. Maybe you could take up painting, ballroom dance, or yoga - cake decorating or a book club - whatever you think you might enjoy. Take a little time to treasure and spoil yourself. When you feel better, I bet the dating will be easier.

As always, we are here for you.

Hello Rhon,

I'm new to the group and feel the same way. Although I want a relationship, I don't want to be in one until I can get it together...so my focus right now is recovery.

I did the same thing, thought I could change my exhusband and he NEVER changed, he is who he is and I've accepted that. Now I'm moving on...of course we live together...long story...but we have been divorced for many years...

I want and deserve better and so do you!

With the exception of a few, I believe most of us on this site are "fixers by nature". Our strengths can be our weaknesses. When dealing with something such as BP we want so much to help fix, especially knowing there is treatment, we kick into overdrive in taking responsibility to "fix". My first song on my profile page is called "Fix you" for this very reason.

There is lots of life ahead of all of us. Whether it is with the one we love or not. We all can find ways to have fullfilling lives as long as we put into perspective what we can and cannot fix. What is in our control and what is not. I sometimes kick myself for not taking the same advice for fixing "me" that I hold my husband accountable for in fixing him.

No matter whether we stay with our loved ones or move on, we all have valuable life lessons and self awareness we must evaluate for its positives and negatives, and ensure we don't lose our special qualities - maybe just learn how to use them effectively and in a manner we don't lose ourselves in fixing others. By fixing and caring for ourselves first and foremost, we will always be better at extending our desire to help others.

You have much love and special qualities to give to another. The past has made you wiser, stronger and even more special. Don't regret the past, embrace what you have learned and put it to better use moving forward. Whether with your BP loved on or with someone else, we are all very special and those who receive our love will someday appreciate it. Helping another should never be considered a waste or a regret. Just because we may not have been as successful as we had hoped doesn't make us failures - it only reinforces just how special we are.

rhon, These things take time . when you expect it the least is when it will happen . I think you just have to be in the right places .

Rhon, please let me start by saying that 55 is not old. I am really sorry that you are feeling depressed. I am not sure if this will help you but remember that you are not the only one feeling that way - after all, everyone (irrespective of their age) has that sinking feeling at the end of long relationship – thinking they’ve wasted too much time on someone who didn’t work out. The trick is not to rush into another relationship but to have some fun first – get to enjoy life a little, go out with friends, get fit, laugh a little.. it is when you are happy with yourself that everything else falls into place, including love. Things will get better, you will see. Take care, Amy.

Rhon, I understand how you feel. My ex and I have been over for 8 months now and once I hit the 7 month mark, at the urging of friends I went on a couple of dates. It was to soon and I should not have. It is probably safe to say everyone on this forum enjoys being in a relationship or we would not have stuck it out or in some cases still sticking it out for as long as we have with our BP SO. I know that for me sharing my life with someone is very important. I believe love is the most precious gift we can give and receive but having a relationship and its ending with someone with BP is not the same as a relationship with someone who does not have BP and you have to give yourself time to heal from the unique scars. I agree with the others, if you find things you enjoy doing the love will find you. Love has no age limit!! It is difficult feeling lonely but don't give up on love, I have to tell myself that all the time. Keep posting here to find encouragement.

Hello

I am going to be 55 in March. I have been married for not even 2 years, and since our wedding day .. we learned that my new husband is bp2. I have never been married before. I was very very careful not to marry the wrong man. But guess what? I married the right man, and he is bp2. I think like this .. I love this person. I am committed to our marriage and to our well being. That is 'OUR' well being. I include myself in this. Yes .. I am scared, too. Yes, I sometimes wonder how I could have made this decision, and would I have if I had known he was bp? But, it doesn't matter. Because that was then and this is now. I only have this moment and a future to walk towards. I will continue to do my best to walk it with him. If it doesn't work, I will be sad no doubt. But, I cannot regret these decisions. I have made my own decisions, I am not a victim of any choices I have made. I understand that some of what happens in a relationship can be so damaging, and even abusive. I am sorry if that is what happened to you. The good news, I think, is that you get to continue making choices. You get to decide what you need, how to achieve it, how to feel about what has happened in your life. This is not about blaming yourself or him. It is getting to acceptance. Do you think that this happened so you could understand more, learn about yourself, learn to love yourself? I hope you can re-frame this great sorrow and become free of your despair.

55 is not old. It is just your age. It is what it is. There are many people who are 55, and they choose to feel old or not. It is a wonderful age for me, because there is so much I understand now that I did not before. And to tell the truth, I would never want to be that younger woman again..who was more confused and had so much to learn. I prefer 55. Even with my bp husband. I have so much to learn here with him, so I try to focus on gratitude. And some days I do not succeed in that. But, it all takes practice.

That said, whetehr single or married, it is so vital that we take care of ourselves, learn to do what we need for feeling healthy, and keep the focus on the way we talk to urselves and what we project. I beleive that when you feel stronger inside, and free of this sorrow, you will probably attract the strong partner you hope for. However, in this current emotional condition, you are likely to attract the wrong person.

If this is too long and prechy, I apologize. I have a lot of thoughts I work out in these responses, too. So, thank you for allowing me this.

By the way, if you are sinking, please go to a doctor and get treatment. Depression is serious.

Take care..