Bipolar in the family Support Group

I am glad to be part of a group. It is extremely important to be connected to people who understand.

So here is my story.

I am in a lot of pain because my bi-polar husband left me almost 2 months ago. He agreed to see a therapist, but I couldn't get an appointment so I took him to a hospital which he didn't like. When I shared some of his behaviors and things he has said with the intake person, he grew extremely angry. He wasn't bad enough to be admitted which I knew, but I thought we could at least get to firt base...again (he was previously diagnosed, but says the doctor was wrong and nothing is wrong with him).

Anyway, he left the hospital in a rage saying that I had "humiliated, emasculated, and embarrassed him" because he had to put on a hospital gown and be in the same place with "crazy people." He was super angry that I shared his new found hatred for his race (he used to have lots of pride for his race) and that he is starting to call himself another name with people from a different race. He has shortened his ethnic name, but only with a certain race. (Is this common for BPs to take on another name - my friend's cousin has done something similar?) Well, he was so angry, he came home, packed his things and left me.

Three days later he had contacted an ex-girlfriend and from what I gather is now trying to pursue a relationship with her. (Although he denies that he cheated on me.)

A lot of drama has occurred since he left as I have not handled the seperation well. He has refused to talk to me - blocked my cell phone number and will only communicate via email (occassionally). He says he is still too angry to talk to me.

Although we made the love morning he left me, he basically has said that he doesn't love me anymore. He says that he doesn't like who is being married to me, that he doesn't laugh with me, he isn't attracted to me, my family is horrible...the list goes on and on. (Now, I have heard all of this before, then he says that he either didn't say or didn't mean it...but this time he has moved out of our home.)

I saw him two weeks when he came to pick up some items from the house and he was as mad then as he was when he left. He has seen an attorney and basically tells me that he wants to get a divorce as soon as possible. I said to him - that it doesn't make sense to seek a divorce when you are angry. He has ruined my credit and has pretty much spent all of our money, and left me high and dry.

He continues to tell me that he is NOT ill. His physician who diagnosed him retired. I recently found him and he is willing to talk to my husband if my husband calls him. I am hoping that when/if he speaks with him he can remind him of his diagnosis. Obviously, I can't be the one who even suggests that he contact his doctor. I am hoping that his mother or his brother (who is also bipolar) will be able to get him to call. What do you think?

I am in counseling which has been helpful. I am seeking God's guidance. I am standing for my husband to get healthy and for my marriage to be restored. I love my husband and I meant my vows when I said "for better or for worse." You don't know what the worse is...but I guess this is it and I said I would stay.

I am willing to do the work on myself (marriage is a two way street - I don't always handle all of this well) and I am willing to do the work on my marriage. Unfortunately, my husband won't do any work on himself - it seems like it is just easier to run to this woman who can validate his surface persona rather than to deal with his issues. He also REFUSES to go to counseling...instead he is insisting on getting a divorce. He won't talk to any of his family and none of his friends. All he has done is text everyone to let them know he is getting a divorce.

I want my husband to get the help that he needs. I love him and I don't want a divorce. Please pray for him, me and our union.

Looking forward to your comments.

You are still standing- that is the important part. Have you read the books "Loving Someone with Bipolar"? That is a good place to start.

If he doesn't want help they most definitely can not be forced to seek help. Unfortunately you have to sometimes stand by and wait for them to be ready. The best time to speak to them is when they cycle down... speaking to them while manic is like banging your head against a brick wall.

Is his family any help? Do they realize he is bipolar? Will they help you speak to him?

People will tell you over and over, and I had a very hard time understanding it, but you must take care of YOU. Otherwise you can't be any good for him should he return. Stabalize yourself first and then see about him.

Wifeof -

Thanks for your response. I will pick up the book. Thanks! I just finished "An Unquiet Mind" and I have been doing lots of research.

Everyone walks on eggshells with him so no one really is talking to him. Everyone says he isn't going to listen anyway.(This really annoys me.)In fact, no one knows where he is living.

I had to be the strong one for his brother. His mom is a wreck and gets upset everytime she thinks about him doing something/saying something to hurt me. She is reliving her divorce from their dad which apparently mimicks what is going on with me and her son.

Also, he keeps telling everyone that he isn't sick and some people believe him enough where they think he is just truly unhappy in our marriage.

I can't believe he is still this upset. It has never gone on this long. Meanwhile, I feel like he has tossed me away like garbarge.

I am in counseling two days a week as I grew depressed and became codependent. I am a lot stronger now, but I am still working on myself.

Thanks again.

I'm reading “co-dependent not more” and recommend it. I am in counseling, too. It is helping be become well. It is helping understand myself and what part I have played in our marriage become dysfunctional over the last year. It does take two. My husband won't communicate with me either, except for some direct e-mails. I too felt like he thought I was nothing and it hurt so much. A wise friend told me, he's not treating you like your nothing. If you were nothing, he would be able to talk to you. It's because I am something that he has to avoid me. I hope that makes you feel a little better. It's him, not you. What he does or does not do should not define you.

iamstillstanding, Welcome to the group I am glad that you have found us . It does sound like he is going through a episode Unfortunately as you know you can not help him until he decides too help him self . Unfortunately it will probably when he gets to the depressive stage . Then of course much more receptive . Are you seeking help for yourself to help you cope? If not i would recommend that you do .

Hey, well I guess I found this site just in time. Tonight, I was served with divorce papers - I can't describe the pain.

iamstillstanding, I can feel your pain and I can so much understand what you have been trough. I have been on the same road with you for almost two years now. I was talking with my husband the night before I was served with divorce papers, he didn't mention the thing. When I then next morning opened the envelope with divorce papers my world crashed down and I felt like I could not breath anymore.

I could not save our marriage, but that might have saved me. My now ex-husband has made huge debts and he has done many "wrong" things. It is good, I am not there with him now. I still miss the man he was though, but that man never returned. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Post edited by: Lena, at: 11/30/2009 11:08 PM

Stillstanding, I am glad to see you are getting counseling for yourself. I am sure you feel quite helpless right now and I understand that but at least you are doing everything YOU can. As everyone here has said you cannot make your husband get help, only he can do that. I read the book "loving someone with bipolar disorder" it is a great book. Two things it states "This is not your fault" and "some people are to sick to get well" only time will tell if your husband is one who will seek the help he needs. I went to counseling while I was with my ex and after the final break up, he did not and I could do nothing to change that. I loved him very much, still do but his addiction to alcohol and his BP not being treated properly was stronger than his love for me. Know you are not alone, although I am sure you feel it, and that you deserve happiness and respect.

Post edited by: broken33, at: 12/01/2009 07:54 AM

Thank you all so much. Today has been super tough. I just sent him an email. I am going to stand until the end regardless of his coldness and his silence. I will honor my vows until he either gets help or the divorce is final.

I have a myriad of emotions - sadness, anger, denial, and then some combination of the three.

I hate that I am having to go through this, but the only way to get to the end of this is to go through.

I just wish the man I married would show up sometime...I really miss him. Maybe he neve will.

Well said Broken33. Sometimes I think we try so hard to help them and to hold on to something we believe they would want us to; that we forget there comes a point we just have to let go.

Moving on is the best thing we can do (although the hardest). Only time will tell the end of the story, we can't push it faster or harder then it is ready to unfold. If we do, then we typically end up with things worse than how we started.