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12/03/2009 01:41 PM

Can BP's truly feel love? Give love?(page 3)

ohfaithful

Hello,

I just wanted to say that it really depends on the person. I'm bipolar and I can feel love, accepting it and giving it though is difficult. It really depends on the persons upbringing. Just because one is bipolar doesn't mean that they are not capable of giving and accepting love...in my case there are many issues.

However, I think the illness gets in the way and causes confusion, anxiety, anger, which overshadows all of that. When you are dealing with all of those emotions and trying to survive every day, you cope the best way you can.

Unfortunately, it sounds like although screwed up, her family supports her and so that is where she feels comfortable. I know that it is painful but you have to decide whether this is the life that you want to live.

It is your choice and you have to put yourself and your needs first! If your needs are not getting met then make another choice...

I'm not being mean or nasty...and perhaps I could say it better...have issues with that...but I'm saying your happiness is important!

Good luck!

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12/03/2009 09:22 PM
ForeverJaded
Posts: 208
Member

I asked my husband HOW he SHOWED love 2 nights ago. He went on a 20 minute rant. His thought process was pretty intense to follow, but I listened as compassionately as I could. The jist was he couldn't show me love because my actions cause him to not show me love. Of course he spoke of sex during this 20 minute lecture of all the reasons I make him not show me love. I waited. I was patient. I repeated the question. I gave examples of what I meant by "showing love." Finally, after we went round and round, I asked, "In a perfect world, a world with no complaints, no shortcomings, no negatives, HOW would you show love?"

He then went on for another 10 minutes. This time he wasn't screaming and yelling at me, but he was very intense. He was very animated. He said he would love me so much he would never be able to leave the house. His heart would break at the thought of us being seperated. He would think of me 24/7. He would have to hold me all the time. He would have to touch me all the time. His heart beat would change when we weren't together. His thoughts went on and on this way. Again, it was so intense!

I was pretty surprised by both of his responses. The responses did allow me a peek into his feelings... a peek into how he thinks.

I know anger is coming next for me over this, but for right now my feeling is just that of sadness. It seems he really WANTS to love me, but can't unless it's perfect. Nothing is perfect. Life is a journey that should be enjoyed for the duration of the trip. And as we all know, there is no PERFECT.

I'm now under the belief he can't show love unless he believes it's perfect.

Craneman, thank you very much for letting me in. It helps so much. It gives me hope. It gives me compassion. It makes me want to try harder.

And Susan, thank you for giving me the springboard to a conversation! I would have never thought about trying to receive love in a different manner. I come from a large Italian family. I was hugged and kissed everyday of my life until the day I got morning sickness. I got morning sickness at 33 years old. I've always equated love with a touch.

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12/03/2009 09:49 PM
ForeverJaded
Posts: 208
Member

I'm new to navigating and thought after page 1 I had read all. Then I noticed the other 2 pages.

Everyone is so kind and generous on this site! I thank you all! We all have these open wounds and are baring our souls here. I am truly thankful.

I wanted to respond to Sallyo's questioning of being hyper-sensitive. My husband's therapist (when he went last summer) told me he never learned how to give or receive love. She told me through therapy he was going to make some breaks and things were going to get much worse before they got better. She told me when he began to feel, he would be out of control. She said everyone's out of control was different, but I would definitely know when it was happening. SHE WAS RIGHT! He did try to let me in for about 3 weeks. He kept telling me he didn't think he could "do this anymore. It was too hard. He didn't know what to do." I would come home and he would be outside jumping as if he were on a pogostick, breathing deeply and trying not to sob. His entire body would tremble. This went on for hours and the entire 3 weeks he tried to feel. He quit therapy and I think he quit feeling.

So, I do believe your husband might have been letting you in on something here.

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12/04/2009 05:47 AM
ohfaithful

Jaded...

I found your post interesting. I grew up not really understanding or feeling like I was loved. Because of that, I have a hard time showing love. I cannot imagine growing up like you did, healthy!

That said, I show love my doing things for people. I have to really work at saying it and touching...other issues there as well!

I do find that it is easier when I am in a relationship with someone who is comfortable touching and saying it...somehow it makes it easier for me to reciprocate.

My daughter knows this and usually pulls me in...and then I reciprocate...although I must say it still feels rather odd and uncomfortable...heavy sigh!

Thanks for the post!

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12/05/2009 07:33 PM
ForeverJaded
Posts: 208
Member

ohfaithful, do you find it easier to give love when people just give you love.... I don't know how to explain this. But I think it's important. Really important.

My mom just naturally hugs and kisses my husband. She's oblivious to the fact that he's uncomfortable. She's been hugging and kissing him for 6 going on 7 years now. Others have completely noticed and in a big Italian family, it's notable to see many shaking my husband's hand instead of the kiss and hug.

My husband has stated he feels more comfortable with my mom than anyone...even his mother. Do you think because she's just kept it up in a completely genuine manner. Kind of like your daughter?

I've given up with the touching with my husband for the most part. Sometimes I just can't help myself. I joke and tell him I might turn into Lenny from Of Mice and Men. When it's been so long, I might just squeeze him to death because I want to give so much love.

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12/29/2009 06:06 AM
Sunny12
Posts: 8
New Member

I too had to redefine "love" as I wanted it. Sometimes its harder than other times, but I try to remind myself of what the "new" love is. It seems really hard for him to tell me he loves me. I love to hear it too. When he does, its like the a rainbow - he mutters it really fast sometimes too. Other times, I just have to remember that its just words.
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12/29/2009 08:38 AM
tinlizzy
Posts: 2378
Senior Member

I grew up in a household where love was shown to me on a daily basis by my father, not my mother. She was the abusive one. My father tucked us in bed at night, rumpled our hair(still does)talked about our day, kissed us on our foreheads and put his arms around us regularly(still does) and always ever day told us he loved us even when we needed to be disciplined. I felt secure in his love and still do.

Part of being BP for me is that I feel my emotions very deeply and that includes love. Sometimes I cry just looking at my children because i have such bone marrow deep love for them. I tell my husband I love him and show him in ways he would appreciate every day. My children are all male and I hug and hold hands with everyone of them even my 21 yr old. Ever since I gave birth to my first son my dreams have been filled with different scenarios of losing them and I wake up crying.

I am crying now because my heart breaks for anyone who is not secure in the love of their mates and family.

Yes I feel and demonstrate true, from the heart, love

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12/29/2009 01:39 PM
1cewaswild

I was diagnosed 3 years ago. It's been the toughest years of my entire life, but at least now there is a name to go with what happens to me. We, as bipolar individuals, DO feel love...deeply and with passion. But as most of you have experienced, that intensity just doesn't register with us at times. It's the reason that we end up running so that we don't have to feel it. It has to be horrible on you! I know it is on us. It's like sensory overload for me. I can never fully accept that someone will just love me for me because this nasty little disorder is ALWAYS first and foremost in my mind.

The rage is truly something that I try to control, but it's very difficult. These are the times that I need to be left alone. No talking about what is bothering me, just let me get over it. That way, things are not said that can never be taken back.

I have to agree that NOBODY deserves a life without love. You have to take care of yourself first. To be with someone that is bipolar, you have to be much tougher than the rest. That is because we truly MAKE it tough, but not on purpose. I hope this gives you a perspective from someone that shuts down. Thanks for listening.

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12/29/2009 03:43 PM
ForeverJaded
Posts: 208
Member

Sunny, (sigh) ooohhh how wonderful it is to hear, "I love you." Especially when on occasion he will touch me and say it. I have no words to explain what that feels like. It's just...

I also understand progress was made with redefining love. And, yes, I do have to remind myself that I have redefined love. I have taken this a step further, and I have felt better later. I have been writing down when he touches me (nonsexually) and when he tells me something nice.

When I start to feel lonely, I check out my journal and see how long it has been. What have I noticed? The more he is able to show kindness, the more I expect it. The result had been I actually began to feel lonlier when he was giving more love.

Anyway, now I have it written down so I'm not just going by "feelings" but by what's actually happening.

That way I'm reminded he is trying, and I need to be more patient.

Tinlizzy, always good to hear from you!

1ncewaswild, I appreciate your perspective. I need to hear many experiences and perspectives in order to navigate through my life better. I have always gone through life based on my emotions and how things feel. I'm now learning to travel a different road..

Thank you!

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12/30/2009 06:25 AM
Sunny12
Posts: 8
New Member

ForeverJaded - YES! I know exactly what you talk about. THATS EXACTLY how I feel. and while I dont journal the events, when I feel isolated by him, I think about all the good stuff and console myself with that. I try to share with his sons too so that they are not overwhelmed by it all.

1cewaswild - thank you! for your input. It helps a great deal to understand and know whats going on from his side

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