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ZadieBlue Posts: 3774
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Regarding men, a disturbing pattern has emerged -- is it because I used to be a therapist? -- I'll be dating a guy and eventually let him know about my bipolar, because it's the right time and the good thing to do. Meanwhile I assume he's "normal" and it's only towards the end of the relationship that I find out he's had a serious (serious, scary, unmedicated) mental illness as well. 8-9 years ago a relationship ended when a guy became psychotic, watching me sleep, furious because he thought I was cheating on him. I will never get over that and will never allow men to stay over. I still can't even have friends spend the night. Still. Since then the non medicated mentally ill guys seem to flock to me. I feel like I can't even trust my own judgment any more. This is a huge part of my PTSD. After 8 years my therapist and I are finally zeroing in on TRUST. I was getting the idea that I wasn't being a good client, that she didn't like me, and that she was going to dump me. I was very upset with these thoughts. So I learned she's not going to dump me, that I was doing a lot of projection. I was freaking out after seeing her twice a week for 8 years! If I can't trust her, who CAN I trust?!? Not trusting has led to isolation. I don't get too close, I'm not overly affectionate, I don't make chit-chat with store clerks or say much about myself. I do so many things on my own. I'm not just concerned that someone will dump me or hurt my feelings, I actually fear for my safety. I cannot describe how it felt to have someone raging, staring at me while I slept and was at my most vulnerable. If his brain had been just a little bit different that night, he could have attacked me, hurt me, totally freaked me out, or even killed me. 8 years in therapy have not made this tremendous fear go away. I'm afraid I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, and I don't deserve to!!! Zadie Post edited by: ZadieBlue, at: 03/14/2012 09:03 AM "I'm going to quit -- dried turkey." - Anonymous
"I forgot my mantra." - Annie Hall
"Knocked me on the head and sent me spinning
It was a blast I can't remember the last time
Stand between two poles and hold your arms up
I'll kick me over your head and stock down . . . " - Throwing Muses
Female, age 37
Bipolar I (mild)
• Episodes / cycling happen most often during Spring and Fall allergy season; some dissociation possible during episodes.
• GAD dx 12/11, PTSD traits, ED (in recovery)
• Boarding school survivor :)
PSYCH:
Adderall 15 mg x 2 • Prozac 40 mg • Ativan 1.5 mg • Geodon 120 mg • Starting Lithium again
(Levothyroxine 50 mcg • Atenolol 12.5 mg x 2 • Clonidine 0.1 mg x 3).
ALLERGY / ASTHMA -- (Winter / Spring cocktail): Levocetirizine • Alvesco HFA 160 mcg • Ketotifen Fumarate PRN • Flovent • ProAir PRN
Mercy Buckets to everyone!!! |
