My Story, part two.

For those that truly believe in the after life, perhaps they get their peace of mind, I sincerely hope so.

But what about the rest of us?

I tried, yes, I truly tried to believe in God and heaven, I couldn't do it, I ask too many questions and don't get the answers that I want, the lack of proof, the faith that you must have. Maybe I just did not try hard enough.

The obvious first step was my doctor. Your doctor will know the reasons for your visit, the doctor will probably know that you are recently bereaved, you will be no different to the many that have visited the consulting room before. The doctor will have heard your symptoms reported on several occasions, It is likely that you will be given anti-depressant pills and possibly, a mild sleeping pill, but now you have spoken about your self for the first time.

I do not believe that anti depressant pills are anything but a short time crutch, I believe that long time use ( except under a doctors strict instructions ) can be dangerous.

Religion. These are very special people and I have had to re-think my attitude to religion after my wife passed away. Whether you are a believer or not, your local religious minister, priest, reverend, maybe the one that conducted the funeral service, is ready and waiting to help.

Whilst Sarah was in the hospice, a catholic sponsored hospice, and Sarah was a protestant, the local priest visited each evening and shared a prayer with her, Sarah deeply believed in an afterlife, and those few minutes of prayer had a noticeable effect.

Sarah spent her last few days in our house and I wanted to continue with that prayer, neither of us were church goers, but, a neighbour was, and when the neighbour mentioned it to that genuine, man of the church, the reverend called at our house on a daily basis until Sarah passed away.

I am not religious, but, I believe I am a christian. A christian will do the best that they can to live a decent life, a christian will do good deeds, a christian will help others.

Do you need a church or any other building to be a christian? Yes, you do. Without an established church where would I have found that person to help Sarah on her journey, and without fear, to the after life. Even men of the church can not live without an income, the church building requires money. No, you don't have to go to church to be a christian, but, to be a christian you have to help the church.

Spiritualists and Mediums? I don't know, what I do know is that there is no scientific proof of their ability to contact "The other side". I have seen stage "magicians" doing the same thing and admitting that it was a trick, but this does not prove that the others are tricksters.

You must make your own mind up, but, remember, your mind has been playing tricks with you. But, if it helps you can it be bad? Remember this, mediums and spiritualists are making a living out of it and to have you return to hear them again you must be told what you want to hear, and your mind will often, at this crisis time in your life, only hear what you want it to hear.

Herbal remedies? Again, I don't know. Medical science often tells us that there is no proof of their "claims to cure". If you read their advertisements you will see the statement "May help", so, do they have any proof?. There are claims that several studies have been carried out but the test sample has been so small that the results are not widely accepted.

You must decide for your self, if you want to try any herbal treatment it is advised that you check with your doctor first, some herbal products are said to interfere with any medicines that you may be taking for other problems.

Certainly the effects on some people taking herbal remedies are good, maybe it is only a psychological thing, but if you feel better where is the harm.

I believe that one of the greatest ways to help yourself is with words. Words were my salvation. I was low, very low, but I was lucky. I met someone that I could talk to, really talk to, to say what needed to be said and admitted, it took a while, it didn't happen immediately, she, the person that I met, and I had met others previous to that, had a very similar background having lost her husband about the same time as I lost Sarah. We had both "bottled up" our feelings . Over a period we were both able to say the words that we needed to say to someone. The feeling that you were being unfaithful to the person that you had loved and lost, Fear of getting too close and upsetting family were factors that we had to over come, it is a slow process, and some two years later we are still helping each other, I can talk to her about Sarah, and she can talk about her husband and I truly believe that this is, if not the only way, a way that we can help our selves and others.

Making that contact can be the difficult part. Often laughed about, but, very helpful, can be the contact pages in the local paper, very anonymous and the opportunity to know some details of the person before making contact, but be a little cautious. I have to admit that on many occasions Sarah and I had read them out and joked about them, "I am picking out my second wife", I would say, and she would reply, "And I will come back and haunt you".

I did meet several ladies that way, it was just for a cup of coffee in a public place, and I realised that, on most occasions they were meeting me for the same reason, they just wanted to talk with some one in the same age group and, with the same kind of problems.

Please try to find that someone to talk too, it helped me and it may help you.

[/size][size=3]

Thanks for giving us your story. It is your personal story. each of us has their own. We can find support from each others story and find our own way.

I have received comfort from my religion, church and seeing the ways God has given me strength and blessed me with people who are so kind and supportive, especially hear on this site. Words are a good source of healing to me. The written word in the Bible and other books. Also, writing my feelings down into poetry has helped.

Grieving is so difficult. I am nearly 9 months without my mom who passed suddenly and unexpectedly. Seeing my Dad grieve for my mom is the hardest thing. He lost his soulmate of over 40 years and is unable to retire the way they planned prior to her passing.

Life is so precious. You just never know if today will be your last. It scares me. Over the past 3 months, I have known other people who have lost someone unexpectedly. Two under the age of 20. A 40, and 50 year old and now a colleague of mines' 15 year old son may be dying. I look around and wonder who will be next.

Sorry to ramble on the topic, just trying to make some sense out of it all.

I believe that it is up to those that have travelled the path after their loss to try and help others through that period of pain by giving suggestions that may help.

"Help" is the word that counts, not to "tell" them, one suit does not fit all, I believe that the more the subject of the effects following bereavement are given publicity and spoken about some of the pain will be removed.

I have not had a personal experience of them, maybe I am to scared to do that, I have read many items about the subject and watched them on television shows. My point is that whilst going through the period of bereavement following a loss we should be aware. Unfortunately there are persons out there that will try to "cash-in" on grief.

There is absolutely no doubt that for those that believe in their religion can find a more peaceful path through bereavement, I know and have witnessed it, maybe I am also a little jealous of it.

I do feel for you as nine months is so short a time after your great loss. I don't believe that we can ever make sense of it, there is always the "why".

Trevor, I believe that we are all hear to help each other through our pain and grief. So thank you for sharing your story and experiences.

Post edited by: Rachele01, at: 05/13/2008 06:27