My Story.

Now, you are on your own , you are lonely and lost , but how else would you expect to be. You have never been in this position before, you have known for a while now, but never given it any thought. I knew that there were things that I had to do, Sarahs clothes must be moved out of the draws and wardrobe. I dont think that this, though I believe it is very necessary, should be done by the bereaved. I was lucky that having three daughter in laws, they did remove the clothes, taking away those that were not wanted to the recycling site, and packing the rest ready for me to take to the charity shop, I needed to do that myself. My advice to anyone else, and I believe that it is very important, do the same thing, it is part of accepting that certain things are finished, and they are.

I lay in bed at nights, I do not claim to be religious but I say my prayers, I always have. I see my prayers as a way of voicing my thoughts and wishes, not as speaking to a God, but I cant sleep because I am trying to picture Sarahs face, and I cant do it, and I dont know why.

You wander around the house, picking up things and putting them down again. You are doing nothing, but there is nothing that you want to do.

It was about three weeks after Sarah had died when I picked up a camera, it was of the type that used film, and on examining it I found that only three photographs had been taken. My memory took me back to that day in early november, a lovely autumn day, Sarah and I drove down to Helensburgh, it was a place that held many pleasant memories from her childhood, and I had taken three photos.

I quickly wound back the film and removed it from the camera and ten minutes later I was at the shop that developed in twenty four hours. I did not sleep that night and I called at the shop twice before the photographs came back from the developers, I remember that the shop assistant apologized to me, "Im sorry, it looks like only three came out", if only she had known how happy I was with that news.

I forced myself to wait as I walked back to the car and drove the couple of minutes to my house. I remember that my hands were shaking as I opened the wallet and looked for the first time at the pictures.

I am looking at one of the photographs as I write this, perfectly developed, perfectly in focus, the water is blue, the hills in the background are beautiful greens and greys.

In the middle of the photograph is Sarahs mother. of course its not, its Sarah, and its Sarah as I had never seen her.

I go upstairs and collect all the photograph albums from the last forty or more years, I take out each photo of Sarah and lay them on the bed in chronological order from two years before we were married up to the new ones that I have just collected from the shop.

Sarah did get older, here is the proof, but I still dont believe it. When I said good bye for the last time I still saw the face of that beautiful girl that married me.

I look at my own reflection in the mirror, I have never seen that face before. I am old, and all of me is old along with it. and yet, I never saw it as old just two short months ago.

Crying, another symptom, and the feeling that those tears are not for the loved one, but, for your self. They possibly are, but dont feel guilty about it, its very normal and now it is you that needs the help.

You do not realise it, and probably wouldnt care if you did, but your own health is starting to go "down hill". Friends and family have kept repeating, "Look after your self, make sure that you eat". I am sure that they have the best of intentions, but you dont care, well, actually you do know that it makes sense, and you do cook your self a dinner, but you cant swallow the first mouthfull and the lot goes in to the bin. You have milk for your cup of tea and that will do you for now.

You sit down to watch the television, and ten minutes later you realise that you have no idea of what you have been watching, you turn off the television and do what you seem to be doing so often, roam around the house, going from room to room, you will never admit to your self that you are hoping to see someone sitting there. You are not eating, your body is getting sick, and now, its your mind that is getting sick. and you dont realise it and you would not care if you did.

Jealousy is waiting just around the corner, you have never been jealous in your life but it is very normal at this time, its enough to look out of the window and see your neighbour and his wife walking by, chatting to one another, and you are jealous of them. In my case I was at the supermarket, my basket, yes, a basket is all I need now, with bread and milk, I look around and see the couples doing their shopping, I drop my basket and run out of the shop. Your jealous, dont be ashamed, it happens and you are normal, just another symptom of grieving.

Thank God for my family, they care and they show that they care, visits and phone calls. "We are going to the karaoke tonight, come along with us". You go, and things are not the same, they all try their hardest to involve you in the conversation, they do their best, but you know that you are on your own, and you know that you are going home to an empty house. You decide, you will not do this again.

You start to think that there is no future. Suicidal thoughts, it might be the best thing to do. Dont worry, its normal, and its just another part of bereavment. You have just forgotten for a while the grief that you will be giving to your Sons, Daughters, Grand children, and the other people out there that do care about you. And when you do think about it you feel selfish. It is that mind playing up again.

Possibly the biggest worry, feelings of guilt. Yet another symptom that comes with bereavment. You are almost certainly, guilty of nothing. That does not stop the feeling, did I do the right things, could I have done more, did I say the right things, why wasnt it me. These are questions that you will never be able to answer, but I am sure that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Remember, its your mind that is telling you these things.

By now you are in a mess. You have lost weight, you are not sleeping, possibly, even personal hygiene is slipping, you are sick, and need help.

trevor.

I hope you find comfort on this site as well. Welcome. I am here for you.

Lori

I'm sorry for your loss. your Sarah sounds like a very special person that you had a very special life with. It takes alot of courage and strength to share your story in such a personal and emotional way. We are here for you anytime you need us.

My Story is an attempt to help others. The website has had 38,000 visitors and if I have helped just one of them it has been worthwhile. trevor.