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09/22/2009 08:16 AM

Joining the group today

jaspsolu
Posts: 2
New Member

Hi my name is Kari. I live in Oregon with my four children ages 18,17,16,and 14. On October 28th 2007 I lost my husband Steven to Cancer. He fought a 20 month battle with Mesothelioma. During the 20 months we did everything we could to try to slow down the cancer. We travelled to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Texas where he had a radical surgery followed by radition treatment that summer. We returned to Oregon where he had chemotherapy and more radiation. We have a home in the country and moved to Vancouver, Washington to be closer to family and treatment options. After finding out there wasn't any more treatment options we moved back to our home in the country.He died three months later. Four months after Steven died I lost it and reached out to the first attractive man who showed me attention. I needed to go back to work for insurance and financial reasons so I moved my children back to Vancouver. It also happened to be where this new "friend" lives. My family tried to be supportive but I know that I hurt them by seeing him. My father-in-law was upset and we ended up not talking for months. We made amends shortly before he died in December. In May after finally settling with workers compensation for Steven's death I quit working. I had missed many days of work due to my son's emotional issues and some health issues with both of my sons. And I had also taken off time from work when my father-in-law was hospitalized. My employer was very understanding during my absences but I couldn't promise them that it wouldn't continue, so I gave my notice. My daughter who was a senior was living with friends so she could graduate with her class and I had my youngest son living with friends so he could attend his old school. He wasn't coping with all that happened and was happening and I had let him move in with his friend in March. After I settled with workers comp I no longer had the same excuse for why I needed to live in town. I felt if I didn't move back I may lose my son ,at least emotionally, forever. So I moved back. The kids are happy. I am having good days and bad days. I feel like I ran from my grief and now I have to face it everyday. And I feel lost. I ache. I see Steven sitting in his chair, or I see him in the bathroom when I would help him shower and he was so sick. I ache and feel guilt for the pain I caused my family but I still make stupid choices that if my children knew they would again be hurt. I really do feel crazy sometimes. I know I'm know I'm not alone and I joined this group to talk to people who understand.

Thanks for reading.

Kari

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09/22/2009 11:10 AM
Lilsis
Lilsis  
Posts: 1581
Senior Member

Kari so very sorry for all you have endured. Grieving is so devastating to try to understand. There is the rational side where some tend to go through the goodbyes and try to continue on as normal as possible. While others struggle so desparately. Here on MDJ we dont judge, I believe you will find compassion and empathy that may ease your roller coaster ride, even if just a little.

You know we dont know how to deal with such emotions while under deress of grieving. I get that needing that you express by attaching yourself to someone after all grieving can be such a lonely battle, even though we share it with our family memembers, it still hits us all individually because we are all so unique as human beings. Life lessons learned are the most cherished and sometimes I find if I dont make choices in life, whethere they are good for me, for others, for all; even choices we later look upon and tend to judge ourselves then how do we grow.

Guilt is hard, its also a very strong part of grieving. I believe you are absolutely correct by saying you hid your grief with distractions and thats not un-normal.....its human instinct to protect ourselves from pain. Your journey of pain is a long process. Some lose our loved ones suddenly, while others endure the suffering of watching our loved ones slowly lose thier battle to hold on and be with us. Maybe now it is time for you. Its increadible how our minds and emotions and bodies deal with loss. I dont think you were ready or even knew if you were or werent ready to grieve, maybe now its your turn, you are emotionally ready and the best part is, I think you want to grieve for Steven.

Please try not to be hard on yourself and understand that you can only go forward from here. Be patient with yourself and let go of the guilt. I hear it in your message here now that you are here to try to do so.

My thoughts are with you.

Karen / Lilsis


09/22/2009 07:15 PM
Peace4Rach
Peace4Rach  
Posts: 9114
Group Leader

Kari, I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband Steven. Loosing your partner is devestaing. Grief really hurts alot. Hoping you will find some support and comfort here at our group. Rachele

09/22/2009 08:55 PM
snichols11
snichols11  
Posts: 458
Senior Member

Kari,

I am sorry for the long and devastating battle your husband, you, and your family faced during his sickness with cancer, and I am sorry for his ultimate death after such a fight. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love get sicker and weaker over time, and how those images can haunt you and affect you permanently.

Try not to add on to your guilt by what you have done since his death. Grief is a long and terrible journey, one that I feel I am still dealing with and affected by daily, even though the losses I experienced happened last year. The important thing is that you are back where you belong, and facing what feels like the unfaceable.

My heart goes out to you. Like Rachel and Karen have said, we are all here for you.

Sara


09/23/2009 07:16 AM
jaspsolu
Posts: 2
New Member

Thank you Sara,Rachele, and Karen for your understanding messages. And I am sorry for your losses also. It helps to speak to people who have been and are still dealing with the grief. Thank you again.
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