confusion seems to be the word...

the past few weeks have just been so hectic, words cannot even begin to explain how i feel.

she had a heart condition, had about four heart attacks in the last three years, died of cardiac arrest. right now all i think about is getting to my moms house, seeing her body still laying there from 6am to bout noon, she died just after 5 in the morning! its weird when your head doesnt function and everyone comes to u asking questions bout burials etc. when it hasnt sunk in yet!!

i know , I KNOW that my mom is in a better place right now and id give anything to see her now that she is happy because she has not been in so long, and me wanting her here would be so so selfish,but it sunk in last week that shes not, and never will be again, i have no one to talk to about, and no one to share milestone moments with, i have yet to have kids and it just breaks my heart knowing she wont be there!

right now our family is messed up beyond repair, my bro and i have parted ways, cant seem to agree on anything, both felt it best to cut ties, our family has just been so torn the past few years with court cases, abuse of all kinds, disappearence of her husband,her recent unemployment, that now i have such a tremendous amount of guilt because of the stressors that caused her condition.

my mom always told me that she was not as strong a person that i am, i finally see it now,but yet i love her to bits and wish that i knew this would be her road so soon, so that i could of been there for her more, though i know its not possible because of our family situations.

so i guess what im trying to say or ask, is that, is what i feel normal? and how do i even begin to cope?

It is hard to start feeling "normal".I know when my mom passed in Oct'07 everything felt like a horrible nightmare that first week or so. I had to gradually start to deal with all the things that needed done. I wasnt even sure of what I was doing.I was glad that I had prearrange her funeral. I had to deal with going through things a little at a time.I started to bring back hobbies I had stopped to care for her. I went to a Bible study at church.These things helped me get back to my "normal" life and deal with things.

I want you to know I am here for you. If you ever want a shoulder, or anything just pm or put up a post. I check frequently so you dont have a long wait. Thanks for sharing your story. I think that is healing also. hugs

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is always hard especially when they are so young. My dad was 46 when he died. I am sending prayers that God carry you in His gentle hands top get you through this traumatic time. I am here if you need to talk, cry, scream whatever so dont be afraid to pm me. Only time lessens the sharpness of the pain, but focusing on the good memories you have does help right now.

Gentle hugs n love,

Susie

Right now just come here and tells us what you are thinking get it out. The writing these thoughts and feelings down alone will be good therapy and one of us may have an idea of how to deal with it. We do care sweetie and will never judge you.

Susie

I am here for you . hugs

Lori