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And I don't understand it. This will be the third mothers day without my mom. Why am I still feeling so bad? In fact, it is worse this year than last year. I am wondering if it is because my dad is so sick as well, and with the dementia, he is only a shell of the person he used to be.. for all intents and purposes he is gone too. Probably will not even know it is mothers day. So for the past week have been feeling really miserable and sad, irritable with the kids, and generally out of sorts. I keep trying to do things for other people - 1)took one of my girlfriends out for desert for her birthday 2) gave flowers to my kids piano teacher - she just lost her husband in Jan. This is her first birthday as a widow. 3)bought mothers day gift for my mother in law,even though she is nasty to me a lot 4)arranged for cards and money to go to my husbands neices and nephews who just graduated. 5)fed meals to my husbands nephews, whose father has just left the family, even though his sister is nasty to me along with the usual cooking, laundry, housecleaning, errand running, and driving everyone around that I do on a regular basis, plus work full time. This whole thing - doing stuff for other people, is pretty normal for me, but lately it just seems like I am going through the motions - I know someone has suggested that it would help to focus on other people and their problems, but I just feel sad, lonely and like no-one cares. I am doing things for people who don't give a hoot about my dad, my mom or how I feel. And its not making me feel better to be the bigger person so to speak. Today, out of the blue, someone came into my work ( it was the local minister doing his visits to this nursing home) and he actually asked how I was, and how my dad was doing and I almost started to CRY!! How embarrassing! To think that I would almost start to bawl in front of a complete stranger. But it made me realize just how badly I feel about my dad, and how much I am grieving. I don't resent doing things for my friends, but I do have difficulty (right now) doing things for people who are nasty and unsupportive. Unfortunately I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, because the people who are the most nasty are my husbands family, and it won't do any good to start a fight with them.. my poor husband just wants everyone to get along. He has been through his own crisis as well. Anyway, its all on the table.. maybe someone else can provide some insight why I feel this way, and what I can do about it. (Please don't suggest that I should take some time for myself (lol) I have to work today, and then drive my daughter into the city tonight so she can visit a friend, then have to go to MIL (time to make an appearance) for dinner. Saturday is more of the same, probably involving spring cleaning, and Sunday my daughter works so someone has to drive her to work, and pick her up. It is unlikely there will be any Mothers Day stuff because she has to work. My mom is buried in another province so I can't even visit her gravesite. |
