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05/22/2009 03:48 PM

The levels of pain

Posts: 8
New Member

My sweet husband died on 12/5/08 and although it has been almost six months, the levels of pain just seem to run deeper. In the beginning, it was the pain of not hearing his voice everyday, not seeing him when I come home from work, not having him here to help me with the little life crisis.

Now, I'm forgetting what his voice even sounded like, I have forgotten his animated face. I have photos but, they don't help. I would give anything to look into his eyes and hear him say I love you. I feel like the further I get along the steps of recovering from his death, the further back I slide when something bad happens. I have bronchitis right now and I could really use his help to make me well. But, it is just me. I did start a memorial website for him and have worked very hard on that but, for some reason, no one else is as impressed with it as I am! LOL! I guess it is really just for my benefit anyway.

I am working on starting a grief support group in our area because there is nothing one to talk to who understands. I just beg God everyday for some relief. I guess I'll get it when I get it? I love you all for your honesty and support! God bless us!


05/22/2009 07:21 PM
Posts: 9116
Group Leader

Hi Mrs. Dutch. Yes these are the typical levels of pain in grief. I have felt the exact thing, only for my mom when she died. For the first few months, I missed her physically, her smile, her laughter, her voice. Then some months later, I forgot what she looked like, sounded like, other things that caused me greater pain than previously. It scared me that I couldn't remember. So much so, I believe it is the reason, I could not fully accept and let her go. The words "Let Go". I just couldn't because what would I have left of my dear mother. I have a picture of her on my mantel. Some of her belongings, pictures but it wasn't enough because I no longer had her here. I felt for a long time, she was on vacation and wanted her back so much.

Well, it's nearly 2 years and it's not a vacation obviously, but it still hurts all the same. It does get better and you do begin to find new life to enjoy again, but it takes time. I know everyone says it but it does. Thing is, for those of you who lost a spouse it's recreating a new life for yourself. It's now looking at you as a person, and what you want out of life. It's no longer the vision and dreams you had as life partners. It's just you and that can be incredibly lonely.

So, I applaud you for thinking of starting a grief support group in your area. That's a good idea and I hope you will be able to. Grief groups seem so scarce and yet, so needed. I don't know if you looked into the hospitals or churches. Sometimes they have groups. Anyway, sending you my thoughts and hugs. Rachele

Post edited by: Peace4Rach, at: 05/22/2009 07:25 PM

05/22/2009 07:27 PM
Posts: 181

I'm also at the six month mark since my husband, Don, died. It is hard to want to hear their voice, feel their touch as they walk by, little things like that. I don't think that I'll ever not miss that, but I will manage it. I think that's all we can do. Fortunately, I have a lot of home videos and our wedding video to look back at and, since he was in the music industry, I have his songs that were recorded, as well. I have his voice any time I miss it. It's funny; I think that's one of the things that my 7 year old granddaughter is missing, too. The last time I talked to her, she told me that she misses Papa. We talked about that for a bit. Then, she asked if we could watch the "movie about our wedding" when she comes this summer. I think it's because she wants to hear him.

Like you, I would give anything to have Don look in my eyes and tell me he loves me. I'm not sure how your loss happened. For me, Don's death was very sudden and unexpected. There was no chance for a goodbye. I think that this wish comes at such a deep level, at least partly, because we didn't have that opportunity.

I'm glad you are working with a grief support group in your area. Coming here is a wonderful help, too. We have a lovely group of very supportive people here.

Take care and hugs,


05/23/2009 12:56 AM
Posts: 8
New Member

I was so blessed to have Dutch die here at home. We had hospice in to help me out. After three days in the hospital, we were home for four days before he finally let go. So, I did have amble opportunity to say good bye to him. To help him die peacefully and quietly. His family came, our friends came, he was surrounded by so much love. I thought I was "prepared" when it finally happened but, it isn't possible to be prepared. He was only 50 and I am still angry that I lost him so soon.

I am currently in a very deep depression but am working on it. I get sad when I look back over the messages I posted here asking for advice on his liver disease. Little did I know I would end up here in the bereavement area.

But, life does end. And it has to go on as well. I miss him terribly. I still waiting for his phone calls and the "anninversaries" of our life together sting something awful. He died right after Thanksgiving and right before Christmas. So, those will always be hard times for me.

The idea that I am still young makes all of my friends think I need a new man!? LOL! I just want the old one back! Wink Well, I just want to thank you all for listening. I send much love and heartfelt thanks for you and your lives! God bless you all!

05/23/2009 07:19 PM
Posts: 458
Senior Member

Hi Mrs. Dutch,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Don't let your friends push you into dating. Good heavens! I can't imagine. Only YOU will know when you're ready to go down that path again. If they have never lost someone the way you lost your husband, they may have no odea what you've been through. Watching someone you love suffer is torturous. Mary Todd Lincoln stayed in mourning the rest of her life after Abe was shot, no one gave her crap!

Take care of yourself,



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