Thirteen years ago this Friday March 4, I was kidnapped at gunpoint, beaten and raped by an ex boyfriend. It was the last time he physically assaulted me but he continues to contact me to this day.
I know that I am a survivor but he took a part of me that I am fighting very hard to get back. A huge part of me has been lost. Around the anniversary I have to put up my guard for when he tries to contact me...I have to prepare myself for the flashbacks that occur. It took two attempts to get into the shower today because of the panic attacks. My partner wrote on the mirror that I am beautiful, loved and free just so I can look in it.
How do I get back that part of myself that I lost? That part that was taken from me? How do I get over the loss of myself and grow into a new me?
Tania, that is a horrible experience and I am so sorry that someone could do something like that to a person.
That part that you lost or at least some of the piece you feel are missing have to do with TRUST. When we suffer a loss of any sort we lose trust in ourselves, our world and we put up a protective shield to keep us from things that from experience have learned they can not be tursted. Not everyone is going to hurt you and let you down in trust and in faith but to open yourself up to that chance someone will is just too risky and we hide. We dont expose ourselves, we dont risk and be dont allow others the faith that it takes in someone to entrust and honour your feelings and wants, needs and dreams.
It takes courage to confront the truth, it can only be pushed down inside for so long and it wants out. It is reminding you of the person inside that STILL is there and still wanting to be respected and loved.
You will come through this, you just need to expose yourself with faith. Work through the pain and acknowledge your fears. They need validated, get angry and learn to justify your anger. With all this work you will soon find forgiveness inside you for you. Not the things that were done to you but for allowing it to control you.
I am sorry this goes on and i can feel the tension building inside me to think of stuff like this.
Talk often. It really does help to get it all out.
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