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sharone Posts: 3373
Group Leader
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I am the caregiver in my family. My mom's been diagnosed w/cancer and she's getting pretty weak from infection. I've been helping her for so long on my own and NOW, now my sisters, the same sisters who upset me for SO LONG with their 'negligence', have been flitting around my mom in the hospital for 2 weeks, helping out in every way and being really, finally, REALLY available. I don't know what's been tougher for me...when they didn't help or now when every time I turn around one of them is there.  I've felt so ashamed at my feelings. I've tried to hang out w/them but we're not close. My son loves them all, fortunately and he goes to hang out. He LOVES being surrounded by family. I am glad of this. I feel like my sisters are condescending w/me like when we were kids. They got in there w/all the docs and I let myself be pushed to the side because I DON'T like being w/all the docs and they'd say things like 'I know you don't understand.' But then it came to coordinating my mom's transfer and, naturally, when it comes to the grunt work, they called on me. One sister said that she'd be there to help, of course, because she's a saint. Hmmm. I thought about it and then I respectfully told her that I'd rather do this on my own. I suddenly realized that it's not about their behavior or how I perceive their behavior. What really matters is that I have the right to claim my own needs, w/o analyzing or questioning anymore why I do what I do. I'm happy to help my mom, who assumes that we are all in this together. I'm happy to have a role to play in the family dynamic, too. That gives my mom peace of mind. So, I don't tell her what's what w/me and my sisters and I do what's right for me. It took a way long time to figure out that my needs mattered but I'm finally there.  |
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markm  Posts: 722
Senior Member
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I analize way to much as well, and I dont blame you for feeling resentfull towards your sisters, heck I would as well.And im very sorry about your mom  . Saddle tramp how many people watch you riding by
Like a thunder cloud that floats across the Arizona sky
And wonder if their looking at a mighty happy man
Or just a lonely breeze that drifts across, the endless desert sand * Charlie Danials*
Ill learn to play the saxaphone
il play just what i feel, drink scotch whiskey all night long
and die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when i lose
they call Alabama the crimson tide
so call me deacon blues *Steely Dan*
Their is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizen
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move, but I cant hear what your saying
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look, but it was gone
I can not put my finger on it now
The child has grown , the dream is gone
I have become, comfortably numb...* Pink Floyd*
ive got a little black book, with my poems in
I got a bag with my toothbrush, and comb in
I got a grand piano to prop up my mortal remains
Ive got WILD staring eyes!And Ive got a strong urge to FLY!
But ive got no where to fly to.... *Pink Floyd*
I walk the walls,with you baby, a thousand miles, with you
Who dried my tears of pain? A million times ..with you.* Billy Idol* |
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sharone Posts: 3373
Group Leader
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LOL It's been pretty exhausting being part of the family again. Fortunately, mom's gonna do okay despite the cancer...it's slow growing. I've resolved a lot of things since writing this post and whoa, man, the last thing I want to do is have to go back to spending all kinds of time and energy on relationships that aren't healthy! Anyway, I figured out how I can help w/o getting dragged under. Thanks, markm, it's all cool for the moment. |
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sharone Posts: 3373
Group Leader
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Man, avoidance is the right thing to do w/problematic or abusive relationships UNTIL you get a handle on yourself and the situation and can go back in and claim your space and hold your ground. woohooooo. |
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markm Posts: 722
Senior Member
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Agreed.  Saddle tramp how many people watch you riding by
Like a thunder cloud that floats across the Arizona sky
And wonder if their looking at a mighty happy man
Or just a lonely breeze that drifts across, the endless desert sand * Charlie Danials*
Ill learn to play the saxaphone
il play just what i feel, drink scotch whiskey all night long
and die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when i lose
they call Alabama the crimson tide
so call me deacon blues *Steely Dan*
Their is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizen
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move, but I cant hear what your saying
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look, but it was gone
I can not put my finger on it now
The child has grown , the dream is gone
I have become, comfortably numb...* Pink Floyd*
ive got a little black book, with my poems in
I got a bag with my toothbrush, and comb in
I got a grand piano to prop up my mortal remains
Ive got WILD staring eyes!And Ive got a strong urge to FLY!
But ive got no where to fly to.... *Pink Floyd*
I walk the walls,with you baby, a thousand miles, with you
Who dried my tears of pain? A million times ..with you.* Billy Idol* |
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apieceofwork
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Sharone, I'm glad to hear you've been able to put some of the bad stuff behind you in order to be a part of the family and helping your mom! You have grown a lot and I truely admire you. I don't know if your mom shows it but I know she appreciates it. We can't change others, but we can change ourselves and feel good about being able to put differences aside when it comes to caring for someone who has caused you pain. Good for you! Camey |
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sharone Posts: 3373
Group Leader
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Thanks much, Camey. Yep, I guess I am growing with this mom situation. Some days I do better than others. Today I'm just sorta hanging out w/all of it, waiting to see what tomorrow brings cause I just know it'll be something new! LOL Hope you all are hanging in there, too, or doing better than that even! Cheers! |
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apieceofwork
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How are things going with your mom and siblings Sharone? You're on my mind. Hope you're taking good care of yourself as well at this time!! |
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sharone Posts: 3373
Group Leader
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My relationships to my primary family were so traumatic that now I tell my friends how lucky I feel that my folks lived to be so old. Their longevity gave me the time I needed to mature myself and to separate. Now I'm back with my parents when they need it most and able to handle it w/o getting messed up in the madness. LOL Things will be tough because old age in this country is tough but I'm really happy to go through this with them. And my siblings are turning out to be pretty cool, actually, people I'd want to know! Thanks for asking, Camey! That was so sweet of you! This situation's going to overwhelm me for the next few years, I guess. I may pretty nearly crack up but I guess it's my choice and I feel really lucky they lived long enough to give me this option! You never really know which direction your life is headed! I'm sure I'll be back and forth moaning about my predicament over the next period of time. But, that's just me working through the kinks, I guess! Hope you and everyone here are well! Cheers! |
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apieceofwork
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I am so happy and proud of you! It is so great to hear that you can be with your parents in their old age, when they need you and been able to put the past in the past. I know how grateful they are to have you with them again! And to say that your siblings are pretty cool and people you'd like to hang out with...WOW! Sounds like you all have done a lot of maturing! It won't always be easy! But you know that...being in the business of caring for the elderly already. But in the end...your heart will be healed that you took the opportunity to love and support them in their old age. You will have no regrets! Again, I'm very proud of you!! Lots of love, Camey |
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