Avoidant Personality Support Group

Hey there everyone. Was given this delightful diagnosis today and I have a question if you guys would be willing to share your thoughts or experiences with me. I fit the criteria in my permanent avoidance of anything social and my near total isolation, but my fear of others I don't believe is due to a fear of rejection or criticism as the DSM notes. I fully expect and indeed, prefer criticism and rejection, it's what I know, and kind words ring hollow, they make me wonder what joke I'm meant to be the butt of this time.

I believe my fear/avoidance of society/people/etc is more based in the knowledge of what people are capable of doing to me and my inability to plan for/avoid/predict every possible outcome of every possible situation I might encounter should I subject myself to human intercation. I'm basically at their mercy hoping for kindness and I don't do that well, I prefer not to need anyone.

So I guess, to clarify that rambling mess, my question is this: Does anyone else have a fear of people that's not(or doesn't seem to be) rooted in rejection/criticism/humiliation/etc?

Also, does it ever get better, all I'm seeing is 'little change' or 'little hope for improvement' but my Pdoc insists that there IS something I can do about it...Is he just lying to me for the sake of keeping me alive and in treatment?

For what it's worth, I've also been diagnosed with a 'severe anxiety disorder' above and beyond AvPD, but apparently between the two, my anxiety levels, and the fact that I show signs of them all, make it impossible to clarify just which anxiety disorder it it. I personally suspect that it's some degree of PTSD.

Thanks to all for helping this newbie out, it's very much appreciated

Black, everyone needs/yearns for acceptance. It's one of those things that make us human. Maybe you've repressed your need. Maybe you're so numbed out that you live in denial. I'm sure I was there at some point, too. When we're battered, when we're down, when it's coming from all sides, survival skills take over. Denial is a survival skill. Just keep in mind that humans are dynamic. We are constantly evolving. YES to what your doc says. YES you can get 'better' or rather, the way I see it, develop new understandings and different skills. And YES, doc's also right that it is within your power. This is one of those unusual and fantastic 'disorders' in which one can emerge as if from a cocoon and leave the avpd behind. Sure, there's some residue and memory, but, seriously, the process of finding and forming a new life is very possible and extremely gratifying!

It's all within you, Black. We make choices in this world. You have to decide what kind of life you want.

I wanted freedom. First I had to explore what I was protecting myself from (why the avpd). I went through a startling serious of self-revelations over a long period of time. I was so committed to my own health, especially in that I had such an impact on the well-being of my son, whether I was ill or well, that I left behind a whole bunch of relationships. All of this, much of my adult life was traumatic. This process was grueling. But, also TOTALLY WORTH IT. Yesterday I ran to the local store mid-day, greeted the two guys at the checkout and one of them said, 'you look like one happy person!". "yeah, I said, I think I am! "

All I can tell you is that I feel productive and the things that once hampered me now don't. Right at this moment, I FEEL HAPPY!

I wish you the best, Black. Whatever path you choose, do it with gusto!

Sharone- Thank You! Your reply is truly inspiring and gives me some hope for my own life - And giving me hope is borderline impossible!

I won't argue with that, I have been told I'm emotionally repressed (I wonder though if the anxiety hasn't just eclipsed everything else) but I do occasionally find myself wishing for some human contact, the occasional hug, just never in a sense of needing anything from them beyond some shallow conversation (or deep if they're willing to talk, but I wouldn't share and as much as I'd sometimes like a hug, I'd never accept one if offered) or giving them any sort of an advantage/anything to use against me. Which makes therapy a nightmare for both of us involved since to actually GET anywhere I have to give them the advantage and share/work through/admit to a lot of crap, mostly from my past that really could be used against me and she has to work crazy hard just to get any response at all, and usually not a useful one. I'm not there with the trust yet sadly.

Helping myself really is the only way I'll get anything done aside from supplemental advice/help/trauma work because my therapist works between 2 areas quite some distance, and a ferry, apart and I can only get in every 2 weeks. Sometimes 3, which is better than the once monthly my previous one was available, but it's still a constant fight not to just drop out.

I just wish I knew where to start! But thank you, once again for sharing your experience. I want that! Can I ask how long the process was? I know each person is/will be different, but I'm nosy

Dear BlackRoses,

While I'm convinced the key to recovery is with professional help, I also understand and empathize with the trust, time, and financial aspects of seeking such help. And even though my experiences with a state psyhcologist that to this day I think was doing it for the overtime pay, and one through my company that was limited to 8 sessions, I felt both were completely ineffective. Finding the right one is key.

The reason I'm responding, however, is I see in your post a lot of the same demons I have been fighting for over 30 years.

We do differ in one aspect, my fears are mostly based in rejection and criticism. You state you "fully expect" it, I'm not convinced you "prefer" it, but it's "what you know", which is sad, and I'm guessing that may have come from people that should have been close and trusted.

You say "kind words ring hollow", but the reality is they are almost always sincere since most people won't even take the time to think of, or say them otherwise, and you should try and feel good about that even if they may be a bit suspect to you! lol!!

Your comment about fearing "what people are capable of doing to me" is fuzzy to me, are you dependent on others for daily needs and expenses that control and / or threaten your life, or do you fear an unprovoked emotional or physical attack from anyone you might come in contact with? Because no one can physically harm you without legal repercussions from the law.

Part of my problem, early on, was a fear, actually paranoia, that people were talking or plotting, or whatever about me. I was able to dispelled those thoughts over a period of time when I came to realize other people simply did not have the time, energy, or even desire to do such a thing. Unfortunately this "theory" was reinforced by my own loneliness and restricted social life.

Your statement about "plan/avoid/predict" really struck home. That's the mental "game", if you will, that I'm engaged in constantly. Instead of just being able to visit and enjoy friends (none any more), and family (rare visits)company my mind is racing about everything else, what to say, wear, eat, dress, go, do...who, what, where, why...you name it I'm thinking about those thing first and foremost are in my thought pattern and you really can't enjoy other people when all of that is going on.

In conclusion I've been taking clonazepam as needed for anxiety and it really helps with that, but not a lot with anything else, and also, most professionals agree that cognitive behavior can change the way the brain thinks...so try running as many positive thoughts through your mind as you can and think the best of peoples words and intentions unless you have a good reason not to...and best of luck beating this thing!!

You are not alone.

Notgood gives great insight, Black! I especially like how Black nails an AVPD issue on the head and then offers alternative ways/less limited ways of viewing the issue. I totally agree that we have to challenge our negative thoughts in order to allow for more expansive thinking.

In answer to your question, Black, it took me a number of years to work my way through and out of AVPD. It's a journey. BUT, I didn't have a support system like MDJ. You can use us here as you search for good therapy. I agree with Black, good therapy is essential. But, although I see it as one of my pillars of recovery, I think one can heal/resolve issues via other means.

You pose the question, Black, where to start (with recovery) but I think you've already begun the process. When you can recognize a problem and face it and reach out to others, you're already in recovery. Now I think its a matter of putting together the tools that help you in order to make recovery a viable option/start seeing and feeling results that are positive and measurable!

This is so cool because I feel as if both of you have already put in a lot of time and effort to self-help. That is totally admirable! I also felt hopeless for so long, as if I was searching in darkness for solutions. But, keep at it and things will start to come together. The journey is worthwhile!