Avoidant Personality Support Group

In AvPD the feeling of rejection can go both ways. I have a 20 year old son with AvPD and it hasn´t been easy for any of us. I´ve read up a lot of comments from people who suffer with AvPD and it´s been very enlghtining to see their point of view. It´s sad that they feel rejected, but, they also tend to reject other, mainly their loved ones. What about the parent´s feelings?! I, as a mother, also feel totally rejected/shunned every time I just try to aproach my son, or talk to him or walk into his room to try and comfort him. This is highly frustrating because it seems like my only function was to carry him for 9 months and give birth to him. We are not entitled to get any feedback from him. My husband and I have have always been carefull not to be overprotective and try to be supportive but even that is not good enough. We also have a 15 year old diabetic daughter that also needs delicate handling. My son sees a psychiatrist but there are still many unaswered questions. Understandabley a lot of focus has been given to people with AvPD but how about a little focus and help for us parents that have been shunned away, or have the Experts come to the comforting conclusion that it´s always the parent´s fault? Does any parent feel this way too?

I don't have any children but it is very interesting to see your point of view. It's always nice to get a look at the other side of the fence.

It sounds to me that your son is rejecting you because he hasn't gotten what he needs from you. And by trying to "comfort" him, you only aggrevate the problem. No one wants to be comforted by someone who doesn't even understand him. You're only providing the things you want to provide with total disregard to who he is and his particular problems.

The first thing to do is to pay attention to his needs, not what you think he needs. Spend time with him and be genuinely interested in his life. Listen to what he has to say without judging him or offering advice. He probably has a lot of anger toward you and you're going to have to get it out there, but he won't do that until he feels like you will honestly listen to him.

BTW, I totally believe it's all the parents' fault. Now that I have 3 children of my own, I can see better what an enormous impact my parents had on me and how I handle my children impacts them. I'm constantly searching for how to improve how I raise my children because I know that it's deadly important and that I can't do it right on my own.

sabrina, your son's 20! My son is 19. Despite the mental health issues he may suffer from, no guy who's that age wants to hang out with his parents. Trust me. My son and I are on GREAT terms but, he needs to find things out for himself. I give him as much leeway as possible and total support when he comes seeking advice. Although I think there's much merit to iceagecoming's black and white assessment, I also think there's a lot of room for parents to make it right/make ammends. If you genuinely want to help your son, treat him with the respect he deserves. Let him have some room while he tries to make sense of the cards he's been dealt. His life can be rewarding but, he needs some latitude from well-meaning parents so he can create the life he was meant to have. So, stop the whining about poor you (as a parent I DO feel your pain BUT!)if your son is avpd, he's got a hard row to hoe. The best thing you can do for your son is to stop thinking about your own pain and start empathizing with your son. Once he begins to find himself THEN (and only then) can he start to respond to you with genuine feelings. I hope the best for you all.

iceagecoming, your kids are lucky to have you!