Having difficulty knowing what to do...

I guess my question is, what coping skills can long term relationship partners offer me if I decide to stay with him now that I recognize this issue. He is sometimes very good to me, I love him dearly, but sometimes, he is downright rude and insensitive and well, avoidant. He is quick to anger if I ask WHY he doesnt want to do something. He cant answer me if I ask if we will see each other on weekends (we live 1.5 hours apart)--and it seems like he wants me when he wants me, but at other times, it seems he prefers to just be by himself at home. He has seen his "best" friend twice in a year, and maybe talked to him less than 1o times , if that in the last year. He talks more to me when he is upset with his parents and more to his parents when he is upset with me, and it seems he initiates contact with them or me only on his terms and only when he wants something.

I feel if I leave the man I love, I will feel terrible for both of us--I REALLY fell in love with him in the beginning. He had to fight hard to get me to take my walls down to be honest--trust issues with some men...but once I did, I really did--I really believed in the dream he created. But, like I said, it seemed like once I did, he started backing off.

Anyone who can help me understand, cope and make healthy decisions that are best for both of us would be greatly appreciated.

From the little that I do understand Avoidants are interverted people by nature who have been neglected or did not make the proper connection to their main caregiver. Their brain is oversensitive to critisim and over time they have learned to avoid siutations to avoid the emotional pain. We focus on the negative and remember negative memories rather than the positive ones. Basically, we reject you before you can reject us since we know thats what your going to do eventually when in reality you might not have rejected us at all.

If you are going to choose to be with an Avoidant you have to be a secure person yourself. You may have to be prepared to have friends to share your emotional needs with, as we don't do that well, though we try.

How can I allow him to feel loved without him feeling like he has to push me away? Ironically, I have noticed that when I pull away (which has happened in response to his actions, words, or his distancing), then he pulls me back in--I feel like a rubberband most of the time!

Has you ever had therapy--did it help any? if so, how did it help most.

If you dont mind me asking, how did you ever get diagnosed, and was it because of a marital crisis?

What would be good advice for me to be able to balance my need for emotionaly intimacy and his for his avoidant tendencies? This has been a real strain on my self esteem. I never felt so "needy"--I do need more of him to feel good about the relationship.....but I also feel that my needs are actually much less than most people would require of a relationship. But it is sometimes hard to see yourself clearly. My friends and family think I should move on--that I deserve someone that can give me the emotional intimacy that I deserve--and that he has been very hurtful toward me (like sending my things that were at his house to me 2 days before xmas and then telling me to not take it personally, he just wanted padding to send me the cell phone I got for him back and that he does love me). He doesnt celebrate holidays or birthdays and between that and getting all my things back right before, it was quite devastating to me to be honest. However, people who care about me and know me well enough to know I dont give up on something or someone who I feel is worthwhile very easily and that they will support any decision I make with the relationship. I do think he is very worthwhile, there is so much good I see in him and that I experienced--at least before he started to distance himself from me.

What I really dont understand is the zest at which he pursued me in the beginning, telling me he loved me too early on really, and asking me to marry him within two months--days after I told him I was falling in love with him too.....and now it seems like he just pushes me away harder and harder.... I would think that a person who is avoidant would pursue a relatoinship like he did with me--that is the part I just cant make sense of...

I wonder if your husband would be willing to share his perspective with me?

Anyway, I have to get to bed, I called him when I got home thinking we would see each other this weekend (its been a few weeks) and he was in a bad mood, tired and wound up hanging up on me when I pushed to see him this weekend. So, I am sad and really dont know what to do.....to give him the space he seems to want....or to tell him how much I love him, and that I want to see him, but it is rude to hang up on me, and that I deserve to be treated better. I just dont know how to juggle his needs with my boundaries........

Again, I am so thankful for a post, I wasnt sure I would get one being the first on this site. But I really hope you will choose to continue to communicate with me--I feel so very alone and confused about this......I really love him.

with gratitude

baysunriz