|
Hello Ladies... Its me again. I want to start by saying thank you both for you true opinions about my situation. I value others input on what is occurring. Being a career Social Worker I’m so good at assessing others needs and issues, but when it comes to my own, I know I am biased. I am emotionally involved in the situation. My experiences in life have skewed my views about true and devoted parental responsibilities. I have worked with hundreds of special needs kids that were forced to become independent too soon, most all of them placed in hospitals or therapeutic foster homes. I did assessment of foster home, I worked with foster parents on behavioral issues in the home. All of this knowledge I have learned for my child’s sake. Let me give you a few examples of what difficulties we have overcome in our autistic world. Jonathan has: eating problems: Sensory problems Physical problems Behavioral problems Boundary issues Attachment issues Aggressive behaviors Animal fatalities Sleeping disorder Psychosis Severe emotional issues Cognitive issues Slow processing Abnormal EEG Bolting, running wandering away. After years of Jonathan not swallowing his food and holding it until he couldn’t fit another bite, I realized that he didn’t know how to swallow his food. I taught Jonathan with jello, pudding and ice cream. We learned by having him tilt his head back and let it fall down his throat, he soon was able to feel where the food was suppose to go. Soft foods were ok, he still refuses to do more then one or two bites of meat every few weeks. One day , Jonathan was maybe in the second grade, the bus was waiting. I was running late because Jonathan was hiding, again. I found him rushed him out and he started screaming, a real as you put it autistic fit. He was biting and clawing at the steps he was screaming I left me flexibility, I cant leave without my flexibility, exhausted I sat down on the steps. This was day 1000 of trying to get this kid ready on out of the house. I thought the bus could wait, lets see where this takes us. I told Jonathan lets go back and get you flexibility, we rushed back into his room and pointed in front of the window where the sunlight was beaming in. I didn’t understand until I looked closer, it was the dust particles. Apparently one of those dust particles were responsible for helping Jonathan in some meaningful way. My instinct was to grab him and run him to the bus that was waiting outside. The mommy in me wanted to make it better so I told him I had an idea. I could let him use my flexibility, I ran to my room and get a jelly bean. He took it eagerly and then I rushed him out, he was happy. Driving in the car with Jonathan was a blast. He would try to jump out any chance he could. I had to have him in the front seat for years, holding to him. I finally almost got him to stop doing it, except on rare occasions. One such occasion proved to be our last. A few weeks after superbowl Sunday we were on our normal route to his school and I took a detour to the post office. Jonathan became very irritated. He started yelling “you are a packer” continuously and trying to get out of the car. He was very strong and I barely got the car pulled over. I sat there for a long while. Jonathan crying hysterically. Then it hit me… Green Bay Packers lost in the Superbowl. Jonathan was lost. I lost him. I’m a Packer as in Green Bay. This information came after several right questions. I took out a map and showed Jonathan where we were on it. I told him as long as we have a map, we will never be lost. I’ve never seen such relief on a Childs face. To this day he still checks in the glove box for a map… along the way I got smart. I also showed him were to get maps from other people, stores, signs, etc. I’ve had to deal with mixing potions in every bathroom he ever was left alone in, No fear of heights, water, dangers Destruction of property Eating his clothing, plastics Wandering/Hiding in public The only learning Jonathan seems to do is when he is approached in a kind and respectful manner. If someone yells and badgers him, he is going to shut down and not respond. I have created a therapeutic world for Jonathan. I do understand him. I understand why he does most of the things he does. Because of this I am able to figure out how to make a change. Punishing Jonathan doesn’t work. Pushing him doesn’t work. Spanking him doesn’t work. Yelling at him doesn’t work. Grounding him doesn’t work. Taking all his things out of his room for months at a time, doesn’t work. He doesn’t get the cause and effect reasoning yet. He doesn’t really understand why things were taken, but because I have a good communication with him he trusts that I am doing the right thing with him and he goes along with it. When I take something from him, he never asks for it back. Its like it was never there. We have gone to family therapy. The therapist says I’m doing it right with Jonathan. I’ve brought him a long way. Its true he has a long way to go, but so far he hasn’t had to be hospitalized or jailed. Rich didn’t like what the therapist had to say. Rich feels that the therapist sided with me, therefore his opinion didn’t count. Later the therapist told me that Rich is adamant that raising a child means being the authoritarian. He told me that as long as Rich is convinced that this is the only thing that will work for Jonathan the situation wont work. That is when he said that until Rich comes around and understands more of Jonathans issues, there will always be a battle between them. Shell, I hear what you are saying about letting Jonathan learn him own way, and I cant protect him every step of the way. That is truly why I am still in this marriage. Jonathan needs to learn how to deal with all types of people and their expectations of him. I do take every opportunity I can to help Jonathan be encouraged towards independence. I just cant force him. You cant force him to do anything he doesn’t want or think he should have to do. He has always been that way. Teaching Jonathan comes slow and deliberate. He usually gets it after a while. I’ve tried to approach my husband and say, ok what is the most important thing you want me to work with Jonathan about. He says that he wants Jonathan to do what he is told to do immediately, without any questions asked. How hard is this expectation for a child who has been raised with constant help understanding his environment? How do I really know if what I’m doing for him is helping him, or hindering him? If the ultimate goal is to get Jonathan to take care of himself willingly and completely into his adult years, then why is it wrong to do this in a way that helps him understand the reasons for doing so? How can I suddenly change and start making demands on him without explanation? There is no doubt that Jonathan will always need support in his life. He is going to have to have a routine that he adheres to completely in order to function. Its too soon in his life to incorporate this adult routine. Please tell me what you think would be a good way to meet in the middle on this one. Tell me how I’m suppose to convince my husband that Jonathan’s needs dictate that he needs a lot of support in understanding his environment and that just making him do things because he was told to is not the way to raise this child? Trust me, I know. My husband says he doesn’t need a therapeutic environment, he needs his ass kicked. How do I get past that one? Once again, I appreciate all of your time and care is reading and understanding my dilemma and struggles. I’m curious Shell, what are the ages of your children? You have 4 autistics? Wow… one can only imagine the struggle with that! Thanks again. Bye for now. Nur |
