Hello group

I am a mother of 3-year-old autistic twins and our 1-year-old seems like he is on the spectrum too.

I cannot help you with your issues with a 15-year-old (we have a few more years before our family gets to that point) but I am very interested in hearing other's stories and I comment when I can.

I think you are going to find many people here to talk to. Shell is an amazing woman (I'm sure that she will respond to your post soon).

I'm around quite a lot, feel free to PM me anytime.

I am shell mum o 6 four with autism.

I also have asperger syndrome

It sounds to me lke adolescense has kicked in

Adolescence is full of challenges for any child. The change is fast, everywhere, and hard to keep up with: The body changes in response to increasing levels of sex hormones; the thinking process changes as the child is able to think more broadly and in an abstract way; the social life changes as new people and peers come into scope. Yet the child needs to deal with every single one of these changes, all at the same time! With their willingness to help, that’s where the parents come in, who have "been there", with the life experience, maturity and resources. So, how can parents help? Recognizing the complex and sometimes conflicting needs of an adolescent would be a good point to start.

Adolescents yearn to develop a unique and independent identity, separate from their parents’. Yes, they love their parents, but they don’t simply want to follow their foot steps. They challenge their parents in any way they can. They disobey their rules; criticize their "old fashioned" values; they discard their suggestions. Experienced parents know that sometimes they have to be very "political" approaching their adolescent children, if they are going to get their point across. On the other hand, adolescents give a lot of credit to their peers. They yearn to belong to a peer group which would define and support their identity. They may attempt to do things very much out of character just to gain the approval and acceptance of their peers. They tend to hide their weaknesses and exaggerate their strengths. Of course, what adolescents consider as "weakness" or "strength" may sometimes shock their parents.

Youngsters with autism bring their special flavor to the adolescence, essentially determined by the levels of three ingredients: interest, avoidance and insight.

Level of interest: Since all forms of autism has an impact on social development by definition, most adolescents with moderate to severe autism will show little or no interest in others. They may seem to be totally unaware of their peers’ presence or they may appear indifferent when peers try to interact. As autism gets less severe, the level of interest in peers usually increases. For these youngsters, the quality of social interactions mostly depends on the levels of avoidance and insight.

Level of avoidance: In the social development of adolescents who show some interest in peer interactions, social anxiety and resultant avoidance play an important role. Some youngsters get very nervous just with the thought of approaching others and may choose to avoid it at all costs. Their avoidance may appear as if they are not interested in others. It is important to differentiate this since anxiety can be treated much more easily than genuine lack of interest.

Anxiety A Fifteen year-old adolescent with Asperger’s Disorder was brought by his mother to seek help with his high level of social anxiety. He was refusing to go to school, where he lately had been labeled as "tardy". Their home was in walking distance of school and he would leave home late in the morning to avoid his peers riding or walking to school. He would not go to the school cafeteria to avoid waiting in line. He would avoid classes in which students had to study in groups. Most of his anxiety could be eliminated over a few weeks by the trial of an anti-anxiety me

Most frequently, interaction with peers will create more anxiety than interaction with younger or older people: Younger children are safer to approach since they would be more likely to accept the dominance of an adolescent with autism and less likely to be critical. Older adolescents and adults are safer because they will be more likely to understand and tolerate. Parents therefore commonly observe that their children with autism prefer to interact with younger children or adults over their peers.

For adolescents with autism who show interest in peers and do not avoid contact, the quality of social interactions will depend on the level of insight.

Level of insight: Yet some adolescents with autism will not avoid interacting with others; younger, older or similar age. Rather, they are eager to communicate, though, often in a clumsy, in-your-face way. The level of their insight into their social disability will then become the determining factor of their social success. If they are unaware of their shortcomings in gauging the social atmosphere and reading social cues, they may inadvertently come across as rude, insulting or boring. They may miss subtle criticism, sarcasm or tease. As they develop better insight, they become more motivated to learn which had not come naturally and intuitively. They also have a better chance to work through a sense of loss, common to all disabilities.

Coping with the Loss of Normalcy

Regardless of the individual developmental route, most children with autismstart realizing that they are not quite like others at some point during their adolescence. A few factors seem to facilitate the process:

A higher level of interest in others

A higher level insight into difficulties in social interaction

A higher IQ

Once the adolescent realizes that he has significant difficulties in conducting social relationships compared to his peers, he needs deal with this loss, just like dealing with another loss. Understanding the thoughts, feelings and behavior of an adolescent with autism is the necessary first step in helping him out and being there for him. Considering this coping process in a few stages may make the caregivers’ job easier:

Anger

Denial

Depression

Acceptance

Adaptation

Most commonly, the adolescent will not go through these stages one after another, but rather display a larger or smaller aspect of each at any given time. This is a painful process for not only the adolescent but for others who care for him as well. Parents may find themselves compelled to forget the whole thing and act as if nothing is happening. Well, we are all tempted to avoid pain and denial is an excellent pain killer. The good news is, as much as the denial is contagious, the courage and strength, too, and seeing his parents dealing with the pain calmly and matter-of-factly will encourage the adolescent talk about his anger and frustration. This will in turn help the adolescent get closer to the acceptance and adaptation:

You don’t have to bring it up, but when he does, give them a good listening ear and be patient;

Don’t try to change the subject, unless your child does so;

Don’t try to minimize his difficulties, but also don’t let him exaggerate, providing gentle reality testing;

Offer the option of counseling, since sometimes it is easier to talk to a stranger. However, try not to push the idea directly even if you feel that your child clearly needs professional help;

Tip:

Sometimes you have to be very political trying to sell an idea to a teenager. The mere fact that the idea is coming from his parents may make him refuse it. Let the idea come from a family friend, teacher, or a neighbor he trusts. Give him time to think about it. He may come back to the suggestion when he feels he is ready.

Consider trying an antidepressant medication if he doesn’t seem to be able to move on. Look for the following common symptoms of clinical depression. If five or more of these are present week after week, put your foot down

Appearing sad for most of the time;

Becoming irritable and angry with the drop of a hat so that family members start walking on egg shells;

Not being able to fall asleep, waking up in the middle of the night and having difficulty falling back to sleep;

Complaining that he is tired all the time and wanting to take naps during the day;

Eating less or more than usual;

Putting himself down, saying he is stupid;

Making remarks like he hates life, he hates you, nobody loves him, or wishing he was dead;

Losing interest in activities he usually enjoys;

Withdrawing himself from the rest of the family, refusing to participate in group activities;

Blaming himself unfairly for anything that goes wrong

Anger, , had difficulty relating to his peers, despite being very bright and able to

Most adolescents with autism excel in one or two subjects. They tend to accumulate a lot of information on the subject and love to talk about it over and over. Unfortunately, after one point family members end up losing interest and start getting bored to death. Rather than avoiding the subject, try finding out new ways to engage the youngster in the subject. Structure the topic in a different way. Find a way to challenge him. Be creative and let sky be the limit! Your interest will make your child feel better about himself, realizing his mastery on the subject will boost his self-esteem.

M

Thank you so much for responding to my post. I appreciate the information that you posted. Im so glad to hook up with others that care enough about these kiddo's to think outside of the box.

Jonathan is my sweetheart's name. And a sweetheart he is. Not to say we havent had our up's and very low downs. My presenting issues are not really about Jonathan as much as the struggle I find myself in with a new mate. Let me indulge in some background information to make more sense of this all.

Jonathan and I have always been alone, well most of the time. He was diagnosed at age 2. My first husband and I adoped him at the age of 10 days old. He was a blessing and a confusion. I did everything I could to be with him and care for him, but he was having no part of it. My first husband put so much pressure on me to get him to stop his bizzarness and was constantly making me feel like a bad mom because I couldnt control him. The general consensus was that he needed hospitalization and much more then I could provide. I was not willing to accept this fate and I refused. Needless to say, we divorced.

Together Jonathan and I went back to school, was accepted into a training program on campus for special needs children and I attending classes for social work. We made it through and I graduated to do my life goal to help as much as I could with the special needs community.

I went to work for the State as a child welfare worker, going into homes and assessing children for potential disabilities and then finding resources for them. It was so rewarding and challenging. Things were very difficult back then, but Jonathan found a way to make things work. Looking back, Im not really sure how I made it all that time by myself.

Jonathan also has a series of other health concerns such as, physical developmental, psychosis, severe sensory intergration, pragmatic speech issues and a ton of other things like asthma, GI issues, visual degeneration and currently under evaluation for mitochondrial disorder.

Prior to three years ago I though everything was manageable, then I received word that Jonathan was being discontinued from his medicaid because I was making too much money. I tried to make it without it, but found myself with over $30,000 in medical bills I couldnt pay. I ended up filing for medical bancruptcy.

At that time the school was struggling with him, I was struggling to keep my job because of him having to change daycares so many times because of his behaviors. Also I started having significant medical problems because of the level of stress I had been going through for so many years. It all hit at once.

My parents who lived in another state offered Jonathan and I an opportunity to come and stay with them until i could work out a better plan of action. I took them up on the offer. Jonathan's issues proved to be more then they realized and it was such a burden to them. (I just dont understand why they were so upset about the anal exploration of thier dogs, but to each their own...lol just kidding... a behavior that has been irradicated I might add).

Anyway, there I was at my parents home, not being able to work and risk losing his medicaid again, my parents going bonkers and me just basically stuck.

I ended up meeting a very nice man on the internet who at the time was in Iraq. We talked for months on the phone and internet about how important Jonathan is and how he needs a good male role model in his life. My now husband Rich was more then willing to provide for us, medically, financially and emotionally. I was so excited when I first met him. We feel in love so hard.

Anyway, within a few weeks of getting together (i was still living at my parents house, he came home for vacation)I started to see a lot of controlling issues between him and Jonathan. Jonathan who had never been exposed to male power struggles really held his own, while Rich was excavating in his head what was wrong with this child. Somehow, based on his previous experiences he made the determination that Jonathan is pretending to be disabled, just for attention. I of course laughed this off, thinking it was more lack of understanding then anything, and that he would catch on eventually. I was dead wrong.

Four months after he arrived, I got word that the renters who were renting my house in my home state had not paid the mortgage and the house was going into foreclosure. I needed to move back in immediately to stop the process.

Rich who had still not returned to work was adament about coming along with us to help with fixing the house back up. It was 4 bedrooms... I let him come. That was the worst time of my life. We argued and bickered constantly about the stupidest things, mostly Jonathan. He went out of his way to see that Jonathan was diviant, calling him a liar, pointing out everyone of his flaws. Of course I was all to blame because I never taught him right, so he would tell me often.

After trying to do this for a few months, I couldnt take it any longer. I knew I would be happier in a homeless shelter then to deal with the constant stress. A few days after our long conversation about the subject, Rich announced that he was going back to Iraq and was going to be gone for a few years. He begged me to marry him before he left so that Jonathan and I could be on his USAF retirement medical insurance and he would send his paychecks home so that I could stay home and care for Jonathan.

It was one of the hardest decisions in my life. Of course by the time he made the decision to go back to Iraq, there was no love at all. I actually think I hated him. Anyway, we married on July 15th and he left July 18th. We again resumed our wonderful online relationship and the money wasnt bad either.

4 months later, I received a call from him that he was discharged from his employer and he was heading home. I was so hopeful that things would be different and if he only got to know Jonathan he would love him as much as everyone else does. I was wrong.

There was constant uprest in the home. Nothing was right. I was so tired of him telling me that Jonathan is a typical normal teenager. Jonathan has attended school since pre-school with a full time aide for support. He has been monitored and followed by some of the best doctors in the state since he was diagnosed with psychosis when he was 5. We travel 3 hours one way for his doctor appointments. He has a psychiatrist, psychologist, OT, PT, speech therapist, genetics specialist, GI specialist, endrocrinology specialist, eye specialist, general practitioner and a dermatologist. All of whom concur with the diagnosis. Rich feels because they dont live with him, then they really dont know.

Jonathan has a fulltime aide at school that is 24/7 because of his wandering and poor choices (he doesnt have cause and effect reasoning yet), plus because he is able to maintain his grades in all his regular ed classes, he also has a scribe that does note/test taking for him because of the pain in his hands when he writes. I explain to Rich that they just dont give this kind of resource away to just any kid that is faking a disability. Rich is just so adament that Jonathan is pulling it over on everyone, and he is not going to let him get away with it.

Anyway, back to the story. Rich returned. It was a huge struggle. He took a job in a far away city and only traveled back on weekends. Jonathan goes to his adoptive father's home every other weekend so Rich only see's him every other weekend. This is about to change. He is being transferred back to our home town, soon, very soon.

I thought through this last year that Rich was doing a lot better with Jonathan. I was wrong again. My efforts to keep them apart was working that was about it, however I had a medical procedure I had to do and Rich took Jonathan to the video arcade while they waited for me.

The next morning all hell broke lose. Jonathan was eating breakfast and I asked Rich to hand Jonathan his med cup. Rich was upset because he feels that Jonathan should get up and get it himself. he wont ask him to, he just gets fussy. Rich states that Jonathan doesnt do much of anything because I do it all for him. He feels that he has no reason to change things because he lives like a prince.

Anyway, Rich (knowing how to push Jonathan's buttons) went to hand the cup to Jonathan and he faked like he took Jonathans meds. Jonathan not ever really being able to handle joking in any capacity said "Hey, those are my meds", I said "Jonathan he was only joking" ( Thats when I got the look not to interfere) and Rich (very loudly) laid into Jonathan about being able to take a joke. Jonathan became frustrated trying to defend himself and raised his voice to Rich. Rich now empowered with a disrespectful response, started belittling Jonathan about not having any friends (Jonathan thinks he has plenty) because of the way he treats people. I left the room. Jonathan was upset, my husband left after becoming enraged with the situation. I returned, asessed the situation, Jonathan was fine and the rest of the morning was fine.

When I came back from dropping Jonathan off, I confronted Rich. Everything came to the surface again, exactly the same issues and feeling as before. He is so convinced that Jonathan is playing a little act for everyone. Ive given Rich Jonathan's assessments to read. Rich has spoken with the doctors. Rich has attempted to read the books on autism. He has spoken with family and friends who know Jonathan well. They all say the same thing. Jonathan is disabled, severely.

I have gotten online continuously to try to find solutions to my problems. Ive even gone to a psychologist myself to seek answers. The answer they give is to leave Rich. I will do everything in my ability not to do this. There has been too much change for Jonathan in the past 3 years. Im not moving him again. We live in a small town, everyone knows everyone else. There is security here, but no jobs. He started high school this year and has never done better. They even modified ROTC for him! We have owned the same home for 10 years. There has got to be a way to do this. I cant be the only one who has experienced this.

I know this was a very long post. I felt the need to give the details in case anyone's ideas end up being what has been tried, or if there is any question how I found myself to be in this situation.

One more thing. Prior to Rich arriving in our life, I had rare occasions where Jonathan yelled at me. Those were the times I identified that Jonathan was just overloaded and he needed some downtime. It never took more then a night to get him back to the loving child.

Ive never heard Jonathan speak to someone the way he responds to Rich when Rich provokes him. He is fearless. If Rich tries to give him the evil eye (jonathan doesnt really know what that is) Jonathan will ask, "why are you staring at me, dont you know that is rude"... If Rich gives out endless commands one, two, three... Jonathan will tell him your "driving me crazy" (he thinks he has to do them all at once, he needs time to process one thing at a time)... Jonathan has a very ridgid schedule, but for the life of me I cant figure out why he wont move to the next task until someone tells him to.

He will finish brushing his teeth and go and sit on his bed, even though his clothes are laid out. If you ask he will even tell you what is next on the schedule, but everyday he will just sit there until someone (anyone) goes in there and tells him to get dressed, then he happily does it. Rich feels that Jonathan does this behavior because he is lazy and wants someone else to dress him. He thinks that Jonathan just sits there hoping for someone to come along and do it for him.

Rich thinks these above mentioned (and many more) behaviors are disrespectful and they prove Jonathan is normal... I see it as years of therapy to teach Jonathan to express himself which he went many years unable to do. Jonathan is truely not able to express himself fully. In order to get information from him, the right questions, in the right way has to be asked. Rich consideres that babying him and refuses to play Jonathans game. Its a tough situation.

I really need some help figuring this all out. Jonathan is strong. My husband is strong. I am strong. We all need to learn how to get along.

Any ideas, comments?

Oh yea and dont be afraid to tell me if you do think it is me. Im very, very protective of Jonathan's feelings and his spirit. He has so much potential, he just needs help and guidence to get him there. We have only had each other for so long. I know him better then I know myself. Hope to hear back soon.

Nurbloc

This is in response to your posting about adolescense.

I feel that I have been blessed with just a small ripple of adolescent behavior with Jonathan. He developed very early physically. He is now what they consider him to be of full height (5'3) and fully developed.

Emotionally, he hasnt been so fortunate. He has no desire to be independent. He still comes to me dozens of times a day for hugs and cuddling. He doesnt care about what he wears, if he has food on his face, what his hair looks like or even if he is wearing clothing at all.

Ive worked hard on getting him to brush his teeth, telling him how disgusting it is to look at and what other people see when they look at his face (ironically all these years and it ended up being the cold water on his toothbrush was too cold, he is doing great now that he is using hot water to brush and rinse with).

He showers every day no matter what (he still mixes potions in the shower with my hair and body soap, augh!) it may take him and hour, but by golly he is doing it himself. I showered and scrubed him everyday until he was 13. He potty trained at age 12. Its been an incredible task to get him to this point.

He still doesnt appear to recognize himself in the mirror and needs to be shown where the food is on his face. He shows very little desire to do anything outside of the home. He is happy thinking that his associates at school are his friends and he is happy with that. He migrates towards babies and it is impossible to keep him focused when they are around. He wants to play with them so bad, but he scares the mothers when he goes running up to them so I have to keep my hands on or near him to avoid the unpleasantries that follow.

I have tried to get him into picking out his own clothes, but he makes horrible decisions regarding them. He will come out of his room with plaid jammy bottoms and a muscle shirt, in the dead of winter. It is a physical confrontation to get him out of those clothes. Most of the time given a chance to dress himself he will chose a way too small old halloween costume and sneak outside and wave to the passersby. He doesnt understand why that is unacceptable (flashback from disneyland I suppose).

Ive taught him to put his dishes away and to even cook some meals for himself. He is on 7 different meds, twice daily to help him control and maintain with the psychosis and behaviors. He is so loving and generous and I can tell it hurts Jonathan significantly when I tell him he needs to take more responsibility for himself. He is adament that he will never leave me. He has no desire to. The most adolescent behavior I see with Jonathan is actually a "add-on" to the way he came into this world being.

Personally, I feel that Jonathan needs to reach the point of autonomy before he reaches independence. I dont feel that he has a seperation between him and I yet. He has resisted any attempts I have made to do this. When I first started limiting his physical contact with me it was heartbreaking. He didnt understand he was over 100 pounds and he hurt me when he crawled on my lap. I would get so frustrated I would push him away firmly saying "no". He would cry and scream "Mama, mama please I love you, I want to show you how much I love you". Ive now grown to find opportunities to guide him by showing him the things I do for him because I love him. He has definately picked up on some of them.

Although he is now limited to a few hugs a day (still tries to attempt it every 20 minutes or so), he still tries to show me he loves me every hour on the hour. 'Mom, can I get you anything, can I do anything for you?" I get that often...lol (not sure of the trade value here...lol)

I still cant for the life of me figure out why he insist on touching and caressing my face, every time I pick him up from school. I suspect he missed me and wants to make sure all is well. Im still working on this one, it drives me bonkers!!! )

With Jonathan it is impossible to make him do something that he see's no reason for doing. For example, when I started teaching him to put his dishes in the dishwasher, he couldnt understand why. He told me that was my job and he shouldnt be doing my responsibilities ( a comment that fueled my husbands fire, noless...lol). I told him that I was sorry he felt that way and that we would be talking about this everynight (while he did ALL the dishes) until he came to the understanding that it was everyones job and I was just doing it for him all these years until he was able to by himself. It took many nights of him complaining and me explaining before he got this. He now happily does it.

The same for taking showers, brushing teeth, sweeping the floor. Ive learned through the years that guiding and helping Jonathan understand, goes so much further then demanding he do something and offering no explaination.

My husband regards the way I handle Jonathan as babying him and pleading with him. Yes, please works with him. Asking Jonathan to do something is asking him many times. He takes time to process, but given the choice, he usually does what I want him too.

Over the past year or so, its been harder to get Jonathan to understand the reason for doing things. He puts his head down, sighs heavily, which I do consider a form of resistance. I usually let him get over it (exiled to his room) and he usually comes around, after he wakes up from his nap.

My husband feels like I encourage these behaviors. He feels that I need to be firm with Jonathan and punish Jonathan when he does these behaviors. He tells me that I need to push Jonathan away to force him to be more independant. I just dont agree. Ive come this far with Jonathan when most of the professionals said I wouldnt be able to handle him in the home. I can teach Jonathan anything, as long as I know what is going on with him internally. I just dont want to bruise his spirit. I dont want to call him names, degrade him, yell at him, take away the advancements he has made and the wonderfulness of his kindness and generosity. I want him to grow into himself, and I want to preseve the best part of himself for the task.

Oh yea, the other day I asked Jonathan if he saw a difference between himself and the other kids at school. He said "no", he is just like the rest of the kids. I asked if everyone at school has an aide sit with them at lunch, he said "no" but he needs the aide and the other kids understand. The aide reports differently, of course. Jonathan struggles with boundry violations and inappropriate touching (hugging) his peers.

Ok, thats all I got for now. I hope Im not burdening you with all this information. I truley and sincerly would like to know if you feel that I am helping Jonathan or contributing to his disability.

Thanks again for all your support.

WoW!

Okay, so here goes with my response:

First off, if the hubby is not supportive, he needs help understanding. If he absolutely refuses to admit that your son has a disability (and thus provokes your son all the time) it is time for the hubby to go.

That man is not helping your situation in any way shape or form. Sure he is providing money and insurance, but at what cost? Your sanity? Your ability to give your son all the love and support he deserves, without negative input from others?

You ultimately must make the decision to stay or go. Just make sure you weight all of the possibilities of staying or going completely.

I appreciate your response, but its not that easy. I actually wrote the shorter version. I didnt mention that I have significant medical issues that will require at least 2 more surgeries. I am completely dependent on his insurance for my medical care.

I also did not mention that recently Jonathan had a surgical procedure to check his retina's to assess for mitrochondrial disease. They found a degeneration in his retina's, its been six months now and they want to see how far it has deteriorated.

He is also being tested for all genetic disorders which is expected to cost in excess of #35,000 through the six month process. The insurance pays some, but medicare picks up the rest. If I go to work, I lose his medicaid. I cant work in this small town, We would have to move in order to have an income. We cant move, not again so soon.

I just cant risk messing with Jonathan's stability. I have moved him too much out of necessity. Im really not sure Jonathan can handle another change like that. He loves his school, his community and his home. He has known it for 10 years of his life.

All of these things I have weighed very carefully.

There is definately a sway to try to stay in the relationship and make it work. I just dont understand what could be issue. I suspect it is something like he is powerplaying me. Like a game, trying to get complete control. Or my mom suggests that maybe he is jealous of Jonathan.

Does any of this sound familiar?

There just has to be a way to help this man understand what is going on here. Its not about being stubborn. Its about my son's future. Its not about his way or my way, its about what Jonathan needs. When Jonathan stops growing and learning, thats when Ive done my job and its time for me again.

I hope this all makes sense to you. For the record I want you to know that he has been gone for the last 14 months, only coming home on the weekends. He only see's Jonathan 2xs a month. He is being transferred back home now so he will be living with us again. I want to try to understand where he is coming from so that I can help the transition home for both he and Jonathan.

PS... whats a PM?

You must let him find his own feet,make his own mistakes etc,He cannnot learn by himself if you are constantly behind him ,i understand he has underlying problems but that should be irrelavent here,your son knows he can play you both if he is angrt at hubby he knows you will be on his side and hubby is jelous.

family therpy may be an idea because untill you are all pulling in the same dirction the rope is going to keep snapping,he is nearly into adulthood and he needs independance.Take a step back and try to see the whole picture,not what you want to see. what we have to do is call a truce,at the end of the day you all have about three to four years together before he is an adult and by that time of independancy he will need all his loved ones to give positive reinforcement.

and i must say that you are a wonderful mum I wish I had had at least one understanding parent when I was youung but instead was given shock treatment and anti phycotics lol

you need to all sit down with all the information about his problems and go through them one by one

shell

shell

Post edited by: spectrummum, at: 04/02/2008 02:31

Once you can do that, then it will be time to work with (not against which is what hubby is basically doint right now) your son.

Shell is right, there are things your son can and should do on his own. I think of disability in a different light. It isn't that one can't do something, it is that one has limitations and has to possibly compensate to overcome those limitations.

For example:

My oldest ones are in the phase "I can't" and they whine and they throw a tantrum (actually they throw an all out Autistic Tantrum). However, in our house, "I can't" is not allowed. One must try. If, after trying, one needs help, they must ask for it. At that point, we provide only the bare minimum help necessary so that the boys definately are learning whatever the task is.

Perhaps you can start with the little, not so complicated things and then work up from there. Your son will appreciate the independance and a huge amount of work will be lifted from your shoulders (allowing you to concentrate both on your marriage and your health - both things that, without, your son would not have the support that he needs).

Okay, so all of that said, which is clear as mud I am sure, I want to tell you, Shell, that my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine all that you went through and I cannot believe that parents would allow you to experience that suffering.

Shoot, my boys needed to have surgery when they were almost 3. There was no way of getting around it. So, remembering what I had gone through, when I was two, I was adament about the Anesthesiologist giving them some sort of amnesiac. I didn't want the boys to go through what I had (nightmares, inability to walk into a candy store - which is actually a good thing when you think about it. lol - and having a fear of surgery).

Oh, nurbloc a PM is a personal message. It is another way that we can talk with each other and is an available option under our image and online name as well as on each of our personal pages.