Stuck with Autism

I didn't tell this to anybody (not even my husband), but many times I thought of getting out of this. I'm too young, and I didn't want to devote all my energy, all my life, to somebody that doesn't even react to me, doesn't feel joy, doesn't feel anything, doesn't even look at me. There's no satisfaction in that, there's no reward, there's nothing, just pain and frustration. Well, finally, I have learnt to love him again (after I found out that he'll never get better and he'll never love me back), and I'm more at peace with this life sentence.

Looking for ways to improve our relationship, and to prevent him from breaking our family apart.

Glad I found this group.

I do believe Autistic children feel all the feelings we have, they just have no way of understanding it unless we teach them. It was one of the first things I worked on with my children. I also believe they do bond with us very strongly, but again unless we teach them that is what love is, they will never know and unless we accept their love for what it is, we will never feel loved.

For me the thing that worked was throwing all my energy in to proving people wrong...If someone said we would probably not be able to achieve something, we went ahead and worked at it...But it is a lot of hard work to help them function in a more 'normal' way. I spend over 30 hours a week one to one working with my sons to achieve this. I spent over a year working with my son with no response at all, but eventually slowly and in tiny steps it came, then once it started, it gathered momentum and now I can't stop him

Ways to improve your relationship with your son and your family, be honest with each other, make people aware of his condition at every opportunity and embrace who he is. Don't expect too much, take small steps towards working with your son to help him achieve his potential and most of all, love him for who he is, a child, with extra special needs

Laura x

Where do you get your energy from, and your drive to go on, even when you don't see any results for so long, where do you get your hope from?

Me, on the contrary, I felt I was ready for this, and too regarded it as a challenge, but as it turns out, I wasn't ready, or able, or willing.

Didn't you ever feel tired, or on the edge of "giving up"? Cause this is how I feel now. And I hope it's temporary, and it will go away somehow. I feel like such a bad, unfit mother.

I don't have any family support at all as my children are my only family and I don't have a partner to support me either, so it is down to me. I did find a little support through the local services and that allowed me to speak out about how I felt and how out of control I felt about the whole situation. They gave me a book called More Than Words by Fern Sussman, that confirmed to me that I had been doing the right things all along and I just needed to carry it through and I would see results. I also started making notes about where my son was in his development and I would update it every couple of weeks and I noticed that the changes were small, but there were changes for the better.

It does make you feel like the worst mother in the world, I know, and I feel awful for having such negative thoughts about my sons sometimes, but I am only human and we all have our breaking point and these children really do push us to that point at times. But the fact is we are great mothers, we do a good job in really difficult circumstances. Just being able to get out of bed in the morning and perform basic daily tasks with our children is an achievement in itself most days.

Try not to beat yourself up about it, but do seek some help from somewhere, whether that be through the net, befriending service or local professional services, because we all need someone to offload on.

I would also strongly recommend the book I mentioned to help you and your child communicate. They also do a video, which I found extremely helpful.

Laura x

I know how hard it is for asd kids to express themselves i was one

Its not that there is no love or careing .its that we show it differantly to what normal people think it should be.

Do not make the mistake of thinking this boy is made of stone he isnt he is just a balnk canvas with none of the built in instincts that normal children have.

he needs to learn how to feel how to show and how to give.

and you have to be his voice his heart beat his motions.

he does love you

and if you dont care of him who will

who will my friend.

it is slow and sometimes very frustrating to the point of no return.

But we do return and we do try agin why because only we can.

So please dont think of what he cannot do

think of what he can do.

if you need to chat anytime just let me know

love shell

http://groups.msn.com/autismaspergersinthefamily

My name is Heather. This is a very difficult time for us too. I am with you, sometimes you just want to run away. I too had a child at 19, very young. Think of it as you will be so young when he turns 18 that you can be his best friend too. I now have another son who is 22 months and is Autisic. I am so new to this, but if you ever need a friend I am hear to talk to. I am always open to suggestion as well. So take care and hope to speak to you soon.

LOVE SHELL

http://groups.msn.com/autismaspergersinthefamily

My heart goes out to you. I remember the despair that I felt when trying to help my son when he was younger. He's fourteen now, and I look back and see how far we've come together and rejoice ... but it wasn't always like this. I remember the bloody noses I got from restraining him in a fit. I remember crying myself to sleep every night wondering if he'd ever be able to learn how to talk. I remember crying myself to sleep at night when he finally said his first words and I watched how hard he had to actually physically struggle to get the words to come out of his beautiful little body. I remember how rejected and unloved I felt when he pulled away from me, even though he was everything in the world I'd ever wanted, hoped for and dreamed of my entire life. I was 19 when he was born, and I had thought I was prepared for anything. Boy, was I wrong! Hang in there, even when it feels like nothing is happening ... something is, and the seeming thanklessness of all the work will all feel so much more worth while when the tiny little steps forward add up to something that you can see as a change from the "now" of your current situation to the "now" of that moment. Oh! I'm probably not saying any of this very well.

I should put it like this ... my son, now, is 14 years old, though diagnosed moderately to severely autistic at two and a half years old, he's considered fairly highly functioning today. He's gone from a little boy who couldn't speak, and who had absolutely no interest in anything (so much so that we could find nothing to motivate him when it came to learning anything) to an honor student in a supplemented regular "integrated" classroom environment in high school. He has personal goals for his future, that he came up with on his own ... I didn't make them for him, but I'm sure as heck gonna try to help him achieve them. This is the little boy who I had to hold down for hours at night to get him to finally wear himself out enough to fall asleep on a daily basis. This is the child no one was sure would ever be able to speak. This is the child who had no concept of his own safety and fled into streets and crowds and just about anywhere that he found something (I never could tell what) of interest in. Now, he cooks his own meals, and on a good day holds real serious conversations with us.

Everything looks hopeless and horrible now. I know how that feels. I remember it vividly. It won't always be as dark, and there will be little triumphs that will fill you with so much pride in your son and in yourself for helping him to them, that you will forget for a moment the despair that you're struggling with now.

Please, feel free to PM me or e-mail me if you wanna talk. We've all been there, and are happy to help in any way we can.