Autism Support Group

Hello

My son is 20 and has, among other things, a diagnosis of PDD NOS, which I didn't realize until last year was actually on the autism spectrum, for years the schools and therapists blamed me and then him for his behavior issues.

I recently remarried and my husband, although he has known my son for over ten years, is struggling to deal with the behaviors, which compared to what things were like before meds and counseling are actually quite mild. He thinks my son should just fit in and feels he is held hostage by the situation.

Of course, it doesn't help that my son is suffering from an acute exacerbation of his anxiety due to moving, the new living arrangements and some recent medical issues that I had

I don't think I can vent or talk with my husband, he is partially upset because I have been upset, so maybe I can vent a little here.

I have to say, I am tired of dealing with this, but I love my son, and am hoping that things will calm down a little for all of us. Sometimes I feel like my husband is asking me to choose between our marriage and my son, and I basically told him that isn't a choice, I have to make sure my son is going to be okay, or at least have done as much as I can.

I know it isn't fair to expect that the other family members deal with his issues, but wouldn't they do so if he couldn't walk or was blind...he can help some of his behavior, but not greeting everyone or being talkative isn't really something he can do at this point.

My son didn't get the diagnosis until he was 13. I know how you feel with feeling like everyone blames you. I really felt let down by the school district and I am on the school board and I am a teacher myself. I thought he had ADHD really bad. Homework was a nightmare and in my mind as a teacher you have to do your homework. So we really did homework to get it done. The doctor we saw for the ADHD said his grades were our grades too. I told him I couldn't even go and switch the laundry around, he said well don't do that sit there with him. Oh, it was soooooo terrible. It is sooo much better now. In 8th grade he started going to a theraputic school and wow what a difference--like heaven.

I understand how new situations cause anxiety. If I come home and say we are going to do an errand he does get discombobulated. I remember when we would go grocery shopping and I would get something that was not on the list that was terrible or if we were running errands and I said we need to stop at another stop that I hadn't planned on, it threw him off as well. Things like that still do but I am much better equipped with telling him and helping him to adjust.

The other hard part is that in his mind everyone is his friend--even if they aren't.

We still have trouble with hygeine issues--I just don't get that part at all. He is also a huge procrastinator and not organized at all. I am very organized and have tried to teach him to be organized but is hasn't worked yet in 16 years.

It is often hard for others to "get it." I would look for some books for your husband to read. That may help him as well. Rodney Peete (a football player) wrote a book Not My Son or Not My Boy that I thought was very good.

I know before I always thought of autism being where the child doesn't talk and just kind of stares in space--but there is soooooooo much more to it than that. That is why there is a whole spectrum.

I worry about my son as he gets older and what life has in store for him. He wants to go to college but I don't know the reality of that or what kind of job he will be able to handle. It is scary.

Right now we are teaching him to drive. He has his drivers permit and in drivers ed. I don't know that he will ever drive anywhere by himself.

I just wanted to pop in and say hello! Both of you are pretty new so I'll introduce myself. I'm Melissa, I have 3 kids, 2 girls and one boy. My boy is 4 and has autism.

chibimama, it must be so hard to worry about your husbands feelings while trying your best to support your son and his needs. It sounds like your husband doesn't really grasp the reality of your son's disability. Did you husband accept your son and his differences before you were married? Did something change for him to see him differently or not be so accepting?

gillihan989, the theraputic school sounds great! Is it a school just for kids on the spectrum? I bet my little guy would love something like that.

The theraputic school is not just for kids on the spectrum. There are various reasons kids attend. Most of the kids have not had a good experience in school. Many of them need the smaller more caring environment for a variety of reasons. Some of the kids have experienced the loss of a parent or live with their grandparents for one reason or another. The kids that I have met have all been very nice kids and get along very well with Joshua. We had the loss of my mom, then 9 months later my dad, and then 6 months later my father in law. That plus the struggles of school and puberty created a lot of stress and anxiety for all of us. We did go to a therapist for grief counseling and that was very helpful for us as a family.