my son realizes he isnt normal

One of the ways some parents will start the conversation is to talk first about differences. You could write a list of family members strengths and weaknesses. You can then discuss what your son is good at and what he finds difficult. You could then point out that there is a name to the pattern of strengths and weaknesses he has. Some children will become concerned that there is something wrong with them. You may need to emphasise to your son that Asperger syndrome is not a disease and you cannot die from it. Although it cannot be cured there are ways of helping him overcome some of the difficulties he has. Use concrete examples i.e. your support worker at school helps to keep you on track. You should also emphasise the things he is good at. You could try and get him to think of some of the things that he is good at that other children need help with at school.

Your son may have met other people with Asperger syndrome. As a result it is important to explain that although people with Asperger syndrome may share some difficulties, they are also all different. Your son may also like to meet other children with the same diagnosis as him. For some children it is a relief to meet other children with similar difficulties and to learn that they are not alone. The NAS runs social programmes for the over 16s - please see 'Related resources' below - but you can search for details of local social groups on our online database: www.autism.org.uk/autismdirectory or call the Autism Helpline for details.

After your first talk, your son may have some ongoing questions. He may benefit from reading more books. There are now both novels and personal accounts written for children of varying ages (please refer to our publications catalogue or online shop for further details). The Autism Helpline has also written an information sheet entitled 'What is Asperger syndrome and how will it affect me?' Please see 'Related resources' below: follow the first link of that title to access the information as a web page or, if you prefer, follow the second link of the same title to purchase a copy in booklet format.

'Different Like Me. My Book of Autism Heroes' by Jennifer Elder available from the bottom of this web page) has recently been published for children about famous people who may have had an ASD. It talks about the achievements of people such as Albert Einstein, Kandinsky etc.

It is also important to keep open the lines of communication. Some children may have further questions but not want to ask them face to face. Having a question box, diary or email system, can make it easier for some children to ask personal questions. It also gives them more time to process the answer or think of questions.

Finally, you could put together an achievement book. Some children will feel anxious about their diagnosis. Carol Gray has developed a workbook called Pictures of Me which is a social story written to introduce a student to his diagnosis as well as his personality and talents. An article on how to write this was published in Communication Winter 1997 (a copy of the article can be requested from the Information Centre, contactable via the Autism Helpline). Keeping an ongoing achievement book can also help remind your son of all the things Asperger syndrome helps him to be good at as well.

To contact the Autism Helpline, please telephone 0845 070 4004 or email autismhelpline@nas.org.uk. To contact the Information Centre please call the same number and press 2 when prompted.

I completely know how you are feeling. First let me say that spectrummum has some great advice in her post. I just feel like personalizing it all a bit.

It's very hard not to close yourself off from friends and family who just don't "get" what you're going through. Although I was lucky not to have family that believed that my son's problems were about a lack of discipline, I got that all the time from strangers ... especially when we'd be out in public shopping and my son would drop to the floor and refuse to leave the store. People would even come up to me with suggestions about how to get him to be better behaved. I would explain to him that he was autistic and if they thought they could do a better job than I was doing they were free to have a try. Most people were embarrassed for assuming that my son's problems were the result of my parenting rather than a condition that they couldn't see by looking at him.

When it comes to talking to your child about his problems, you are already one step ahead, because he is bringing up the subject to you. There are a lot of children's books out now for little ones on the spectrum. We've been recently looking into some of them to help his younger siblings to understand his differences.

When he was younger we spent a lot of time explaining how he was exceptionally good at reading and math, but he had a harder time with talking and making friends. Focusing on what he's really good at is the best place to start. Also, because my son had such a hard time with communication, IMing or e-mailing was a really great development, because he could communicate better with us about things in writing.

Try explaining the scary things that he can't control to him in a way that gives him hope for the future. Express to him that you know how hard and scary it is for him, but that you and others will help him learn how to control things like his fits better and better as he gets older. Don't try to kid him into thinking it won't be hard work, but help him to know that it is definitely possible for him to get control over the things that make him feel out of control right now.

One of the best ways to do this is to try to help him figure out what things get him to the point of having a fit. If he can start (even at five, which will be really tough) to make connections between the cause of his over stimulation and the effect of a meltdown, you can help each other to work out better ways to handle those situations that are likely to bring on a meltdown. Look for patterns ... everyone always stresses that patterns and consistency are important for AS and Autistic children, but what gets less attention is that their patterns are a big giant clue to us that we can use to help them get through things.

Also, though it's important that our kids understand that they are different in some ways, it's also important that they get to know how much the same they really are too, not just to other kids and adults on the spectrum, but to everyone else. Try explaining that there are things that get you so mixed up and stressed out that you feel like having a fit too, sometimes. Or if he has sensory difficulties, explaining that he reacts to such and such a stimulus the same way that another person feels and reacts when (for example) somebody runs their fingernails down a chalkboard ... or somebody is tapping their feet incessantly etc etc etc.

Most of the symptoms of Autism and ASD are just exaggerated things that everyone in the world experiences ... they're just taken to the extreme in our poor little guys bodies and heads. Let them know that on some level you understand what he's going through. It will help him not to feel like a 'freak' and help you both to bond and feel more connected to one another.

Okay ... I'm done spouting off ... if you ever feel like a chat, please feel free to PM me.

Yours,

MommaT

Regardless of whatever your son feels "is wrong with him" you have to reiterate that you love him no matter what.

My neice is 5 and has Cerebral Palsy and she has said this same thing. Basically the approach from our family was, "Yes you are different from other kids, but you are still special to us and loved very much." We also tried to make her understand that it is okay to be different and that not everyone understands it but it doesn't make her a "bad" person. That approach has worked pretty well since she started to going to school for a full day. Maybe see if there are other kids at his school or a support group with other kids who feel the same way that he can spend time with? Having friends who are dealing with the smae issues will help him learn to cope better with everything.

It is never easy to deal with a child who feels like they are not normal. And the family stuff will just plain hurt when they don't support you or try to understand or help.

Stay strong!

Love him no matter what and reiterate that endlessly.

And you can always vent on here that seems to help!