|
I met I women 3 years ago thru E-harmony.com and fell in love with her. Now 3 years later we have broken up over not being able to agree on "perspective" and raising of her 20 year old son who is fairly social and highly functional. Although his "self motivation skills" other than things he is interested in make it hard for him to relate to the family as a contributing individual and to the out side world... After almost 2 years of trying several local programs offered my the public school system after his graduation from a highly reputable school - the gifford school in MA, he has been able to attend his kick boxing class, and manage to lose 40 pounds from his over weight condition. (and he would have done none of that had it not been for his mother and a few others going above and beyond the call of duty to keep him focused.) Through different periods he as been more social and willing to participate in other than what is on his mind and help out. Other times he is very content to just do his own thing. the past 3 months after a medication adjustment, he seems to be more willing to get things done. I see all of his mothers hard work and she is very qualified and good at helping him. At the moment he is starting a Mass Rehab program to learn how to go to work. He currently receives some SSI. I lived and maintained a marriage with a women who has schizophrenia. She was young and not diagnosed when I met her. I did everything under the sun to try to help her live a "normal life" but ultimately, the Jazz performances on piano, holding a job and maintaining a marriage with me became too much...for both of us. I completely understand my once lovers need to try and do the best for her son. But in the past year or so I became increasing annoyed with her need to try and be everything for this kid socially, emotionally and continue to tolerate so much...Mainly because, with my past experience with schizophrenia, I see all the ups and downs of her son with his autism as a life long journey that will probably not get any better. I agree she should try to help, but think that sometimes trying to do to much and give him a "very comfortable environment" does not allow him to develop and skills to deal with the real world. My opinion is this, at this point either he can or can't function on his own in the next few years. In the year since he graduated every program he entered failed. Her opinion is that the programs were not properly run and the people were not qualified. Which I do not find it hard to believe. The one thing she fails to ever accept or look at is how her son behaves. For example. The last program, he was asked to sit in a room with some other mentally chalanged kids that were not as bright as him. He was also asked to run paper through a paper shredder. knowing her son, I agree with him and his mother that it was not offerring him alot in excitement, education and challange. Altough, I suggested that he just tough it out, because learning to tolerate others that are less fortunate than yourself and being able to do something day in and day out for a while that is of no interest to you is a valuable life skill... and perhaps if you could do this other things would not seem so hard. But my insight is quickly shot down as ..."you don't understand how my son and his autism are" he cannot be in situations which are not interesting and something he likes. so then I wonder how can he really ever do anything because most of life is not doing what we want to do all day. she believes that the mass rehab program will do it. I believe that it will have its ups and downs...he will do well for a while and most likely he may be more comfortable living at home having his mother take care of him. I though a group home would have been better in the past year so he may learn through experience that rules and regulations apply in life. so that way he could come back home during this transitional phase and not be so difficult in accepting things that he may need to do. because then he would have a base line to judge things by....not having a loving mothers support through everything ...he will then see that as a gift but not his right..... very frustrated with this...feeling badly...that I cannot be what my lover wants me to be for her and him....and laughly, wondering why after 15 years of dealing with the one thing, I would meet the love of my life only to deal with something so difficult like this ...and not have the skills to deal with it to keep what I had. If anyone cares to comment I will be happy to listen and see if I can learn something ... bill |
