Oh, hun, your post here completely reached in and pummelled my heart. I so remember where you are right now!! Yes! Yes! Your child feels your love, and he loves you more than you can realize. Just as with any other child, you are the center of his universe, he just can't show you that in the way that a "typically developing child" can.
Before I gush forever on the subject, I wanted to ask if you've heard of the LADDERS Program ... it's out in the boston area, and some of the most respected doctors working in the field of Autism work there. They provide advice and therapies and all kinds of resources. There are also communication enhancement services at Bostcon Hospital, that were IMMENSELY helpful to my son and our family when he was younger.
Ok ... back to love. Every child with Autism is different. On some level I sometimes feel grateful that I didn't get my son's diagnoses until later in his toddlerhood (in many others I'm definitely not happy about that, but in this one I am) I rarely put my son down as an infant, I even took him to college with me strapped to my chest. I remember the heartbreaking feeling of him pulling away from being held when I'd rock him to sleep at the night. It was the only time he rejected touch from me. It was because he was working out the stimulation of the day at the time when he was trying to find relaxation and sleep. But I never released him because of his struggles, I cradled him and held him until he fell asleep in my arms every night.
Now, I'm not suggesting tolerance training intensionally. Obviously, I had no idea that my son was in distress during those times, but I think that my behavior with him directly contributed to the fact that he has never had closeness or touch issues as he's gotten older.
At the root of physical withdrawals are physical oversensitivities. No matter what your child knows you love him. One of the therapies we used with my son when he was a toddler to help reduce some of his tactile oversensitivity were brushing techniques. I don't feel qualified at this point to describe them to you ... it's been many years. But my cousin has a son who is autistic and I'll be doing the research on it for them very soon ... I've already acquired the brushes for them. I'll pass it along to you if you are interested once I've dug it out of the file cabinets.
The best way you can show your love for your child is to engage with him in ways that you see make him happy. If he loves tickle ... make up tickle games that get increasingly more complicated ... like you have to get to a certain point in a song before the tickles come ... that way he is paying attention to you (especially your speech/song) for cues as to when the tickles get to him. If he likes to swing, instead of putting him in a mechanical swing, cradle him in your arms, or have him sit on your hands for a swing. If he loves water or bathtime, instead of touching him directly, push water to flow over him with your hands as though you were caressing him. Find the things that he enjoys and make yourself an integral part of them.
It can be very hard to understand emotionally that when our children pull away from us they aren't rejecting us or our love, they are reacting to a stimulation that is painful or uncomfortable to them. Think of it like someone drawing their fingernails over a chalkboard. A lot of people are made extremely uncomfortable by that sound. If every time someone touched you it made you have the same feeling that people get when someone runs their fingernails down the chalkboard, you'd avoid it too. Some kids that can't handle gentle touching love more firm "deep pressure"
My son used to sit at my feet while I was working (I used to tutor college students in my home) and grab my knees with his hands and squeeze them against the sides of his head. It was the oddest little ritual, but it comforted him, and it included me. I was a part of his world that could give him that comfort and nothing else could. He didn't press anything else against his head in that way. That was part of how he showed me he loved me back. Weird, I know ... but you'll see it.
You'll find little things over the years that make you know that you are completely and totally loved by your child, even though they were things you never expected to associate with love.
I know that it's just as hard to not feel like you are able to show your child your own love in the way we all as nurturing parents expect to. Holding, caressing, whispering, cuddling ... touch is a very intimate and loving connection that we instinctively expect to share with our children. Believe me when I tell you that it isn't an impossibility ... we just often have to learn different ways to touch, and finding ways of reducing our children's oversensitivities go a long long way to making that easier for us all to do.
Please feel free, again, to PM me or e-mail me. I too am from Massachussets, although my experience in the boston area is all surrounding my adventures with my son's diagnosis. I hope that I can be helpful to you in connecting you with people that can make a difference in your child's life ... or, if all you need is a friend to talk to, I'd be happy to be that too.
MommaT
i know now he was aware of me and what i was doing.even if it looked to me that he was doing nothing.There was awhile he would walk around the house w/a box on his head and that was hard to watch i was glad at the time we no longer had company I'll be real honst w/you.He is 7years w/ diaper and a small box on his head.But I let him be.Until one day while i was doing housework I relized what he was doing with the box and now i have a contract w/ a company showing a product,( really from him )at the pre toy fair,Euro and Asian shows as well The Toy fair it's self aka The American International Toy Show NY,Feb17/20 08. so wish us well.To answer your guestion yes he knows you love him he may not feel your love right now but feeling safe and at home that itself is a feeling of love and later he will blossem and the relactionship between the two of you will be beautiful and fun.My boys name is Ahsan meaning(Beautiful)