What I do know is that I'm having a lot of difficulty with discipline.

Part of my problem comes with my son. He lies and will not own up to the lies. He has become aggressive with his brother and sister, often arguing with them and then putting his hands on them. Sometimes he shoves them, sometimes he hits them. It is unacceptable behavior in our home for ANY of our kids to put their hands on each other. But I can't get Chance to understand, or maybe I can't get Chance to cooperate with this rule, and I don't know how to go about getting that cooperation. As long as he won't abide by the rules, my other two children don't feel they should either.

I'm in serious need of a book or some advice, something to help me here. My biggest fear is being a horrible parent to all three of my kids because things need to be handled differently and I'm constantly being told that I'm not handling things right, or that I'm not handling things at all.

We just got through a rough weekend where the kids were at my ex-ILaw's. They don't deal well with Chance, and he has meltdowns alot. This weekend he had two. By the time we picked up the kids tonight my husband (who is my kids stepfather) was pissed off at the ex-ILaws and Me for how things were or weren't handled. He is still mad at me even as I write this. I feel like I'm constantly fighting the world, and I'm always the one in the wrong.

I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I don't know what I'm dealing with, what Chance can understand, what he can't, how his brain works, how he thinks...etc. I just wish I knew something so I would know where to start on how to be the right kind of parent for him and my other two children.

I feel like my life is falling apart and I don't know how to fix it or where to begin to hold the pieces together before they go flying off scattered to the winds.

if anyone has any suggestions or can point me in the direction of a book, support group...something..it will be greatly appreciated.

at the end of my rope,

Chelle~

xoxo

I'm not sure if I myself could be much help to you but I dunno, reading your post just reminded me so much of my mum.

I have aspergers and since I was about 2 right up untill last year I can quite honestly I gave my mum hell because of my behaviour. I'm now 16 and I was diagnosed over a year ago now. I think my behaviour got better due to my mum understanding me more because of the diagnosis. There's alot of stuff I could write here but it would take a long time and be long reading.

If you do want to talk to me at any time, maybe there are similarities in mine and your son's behaviour and maybe I could give you a different perspective, I don't know, just me having aspergers and also knowing someone else my age with aspergers I just thought that I should offer.

anyway take care and I hope you find something that helps because I really feel for you.

rachel xxx

Keep to your word. Once you have agreed to something with your child it is important to try to keep to it. Extreme anxiety can occur when something they expect to happen does not.

Try preventative measures. For example think of things to distract the child from whatever may be upsetting them.

Encourage your child to go out in to the garden or somewhere safe when they are becoming angry or upset. Make sure that they can get there easily without encountering too many obstacles on the way.

Channel behaviour positively. If your child goes in to the kitchen and smashes the crockery when they are anxious, think of ways to channel this. For example keep cheap crockery from car boot sales in a marked box and set some rules such as 'you can smash this crockery at the bottom of the garden' or may be a visit to the bottle bank could provide a similar output for this energy.

Listen to your child. More able children with autism may be able to express in some way to you what is upsetting them. This may occur at the time or in many cases hours or even days later. Observe your child's behaviour and see if you can notice any patterns. What are they trying to tell you?

Consider the iceberg effect. You may see a particular behaviour, but the underlying reason may not be clear. When a child starts behaving differently assess if there have been any changes in the child's routine or environment at all. Also consider whether there may be a medical reason underlying their distress. Head banging for example can sometimes occur when a child has an ear infection and similarly biting can sometimes be due to toothache.

Choose the right incentives. Think of things to motivate your child to behave. What things do they enjoy? What will they find rewarding? For some children using whatever their obsessional interest is can be particularly rewarding. So for example if your child really enjoys watching Thomas the Tank Engine videos allow him or her to watch this after they have done something good or behaved well.

Be consistent. Whatever strategy you choose to use with your child it is essential that you are consistent. To be successful, all those involved with your child should use the same strategy and language in response to your child's behaviour. It is very important that children with autism have clear boundaries.

Does your child understand what they have done wrong? Make sure they know what they have done wrong and why. So for example instead of saying 'You have been naughty today' say 'You took your sister's sweets, they are not yours'.

Focus on behaviour not the child. Tell your child if you are unhappy with what they have done, not what they are. So for example don't say 'You are naughty' but make it clear that what they did was wrong.

Be aware that your child with autism may not learn from experience. They often have great difficulty applying what they have learnt in one situation to another. Your child may require very clear and consistent instructions.

Reinforce good behaviour. Try to reward good behaviour and where possible ignore the bad behaviour. Any attention, even being told off can be rewarding for a child.

Special circumstances. There may well be times, no matter how well behaved your child is, when they misbehave. A deterioration in behaviour may well be seen in times of anxiety, for example if there is a change in routine or in the environment no matter how small.

shell