Hello every one. I turned 20 last December and I'm currently in my second year of studying law at university. This is my story:
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I've spent the last two years in a mostly online relationship. She was my first love, an American woman. I lived in the UK and was in the middle of studying at university, but I went to visit her 3 times. For 3 months each summer, and once last Christmas.
I had intended to visit this Christmas with my parents, and had the flight booked and everything, but things didn't work out that way.
A few months after I met her, she told me that she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder (yet she subsequently denied it). Being, admittedly, inexperienced in the ways of love, I thought that it wouldn't be a problem and that I would be able to work through it. I was wrong.
Over the two years, we argued a lot. She would become frustrated over very trivial things, and it made it even more difficult that I couldn't be there to support her all the time.
After the first year, I had convinced myself that lack of support was the issue. In an attempt to make her feel supported, I got engaged to her.
A few weeks later, my grandmother passed away in hospital. I loved my grandmother very much and it hit me really hard. She never met my fiance, she only saw pictures.
The following summer, things got much worse. She was obsessed with art and costume making and left little time for me. The hobbies often seriously upset her when things went wrong, so again it was up to me to try and cheer her up.
There were a lot of problems, but every time I tried to suggest fixing them, I was forced into submission by guilt, manipulation, or plain aggression (though she never physically hit me). Still, I was afraid of her and I felt as though I was walking on eggshells every day.
Don't get me wrong, she could be very loving and very kind, and I miss that part of her. I know that she truly loved me, and I loved her so blindly that I couldn't see how much things were damaging me.
I suggested that she should seek help for her condition, but she would turn nasty and deny any problems every time I did. She would accuse me of having the problems.
After the summer, I entered my second year of university adding even more stress to the plate.
When we argued, she would say such hurtful things and it ripped me apart inside. She would threaten to break off the engagement, or even commit suicide. She did self harm, though only with her finger nails. She would always apologize sooner or later, but that didn't make things any easier to cope with.
The long distance aspect made things even more difficult.
I tried to cling on, just hoping that things would get better, and it 'wouldn't happen again' like she promised, but things didn't get better. If anything they got worse, and I knew that the line had to be drawn somewhere.
November was an especially difficult month. There was an inquest about my grandmother's death which subsequently failed, my two pet gerbils both passed away of the same breathing problem, and...
In our next argument, she left me, and the next day I refused to take her back. I tried to be as sensitive as possible, but I know that my emotions got in the way of that.
I know that there were things that she couldn't help, but it's very awkward when you don't know how much leeway to give someone in terms of what will be acceptable or not. And how would I know what she really couldn't control and what she could? If she knew she was given leeway for the condition, there would be nothing to stop her feigning to get what she wanted. Also, she used to get very angry when I took advantage of the same freedoms that I had given her (not giving her my attention all of the time).
It hurt a lot and I still care about her. I fear she's taking things very badly. She has sent various emails to me, often very contradictory ones, accusing me of 'quitting' on her and that she was willing to try, and that she would never give up. Contrary to those things, she wrote some very hurtful online blogs about burning pictures of me and how she hopes that 'karma' will ruin my life. In her latest email she said that she would never find anyone else and that she wished that I would change my mind and give her another chance.
She knew that I am bisexual, and has also accused me of being gay and that I never loved her, which really isn't the case at all.
She made a lot of excuses but still wasn't willing to face the real issue at hand. I was surprised when she asked me 'why' I broke up with her, when I thought it should have been obvious.
The truth is that I gave her more chances than she even realized. I gritted my teeth and agreed with things to avoid trouble, I swallowed my pride and apologized during arguments just to keep the peace. I tried until I couldn't try anymore.
She has succeeded in making me insecure.
I'd like to think that I'm not a bad person. I don't smoke, drink, or take drugs. I care and I hurt. I have no maliciousness or ill will against anyone. I feel incredibly weak that I was unable to cope. And I feel guilty that I kept things going for as long as I did because of 'blind hope'. It would maybe have been less harmful to break things off sooner. She always makes me out to be the bad guy, and I feel exceptionally cruel doing this. I tried to break with her as sensitively as possible, but I had to be increasingly firm as she was unable to accept it.
During the relationship, I felt that I lost sight of myself, and now I'm going through the process of rediscovering myself and recovering.
I know it is something that wasn't really her fault, which made it much harder to break things off. After all, someone shouldn't be blamed for something that they can't help.
As far as I know, she has started going to therapy now and is receiving medication, though I can't confirm those things for certain.
She told me recently that if I ever change my mind that she loves me and wants me back. She told me that she wanted to be my wife and have children, but even then I worried if the children would grow up with the same difficulties. But every time I even consider going back to her I feel like white hot chains are tying me down and restricting my life and soul. I'd rather be alone than be trapped.
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I do care about her and I want her to be happy, but although the intention is there, I don't have the strength or patience to look after her like she needs.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about things, and it has made it very difficult for me to focus on my university work. I was struggling on with assignments until the 11th of December, and now that Christmas is over, the most difficult of the assignments is due for the 18th of January. I have no idea how I'm going to cope.
I can't get the feeling out of my head that what I've done is selfish, despite the fact that committing myself to a life of misery would be just plain stupid.
I hate the idea of having hurt someone, and I'm having difficulty letting go of the guilt.
My friends and family have been very supportive and have told me I'm 'too nice for my own good'. I have tried to be extra nice to those people as well as random strangers in an attempt to make up for my cruelty, but I just wish there was some way I could help my ex. I've been praying for her and I can only hope that she'll recover.
Before I got involved with her, I was a relatively easy going and stress free person. I have found meditation to be helpful, but only for short periods of time.
In terms of treatment, I usually find that Kalms help, but even though they're all natural, I fear becoming dependent on then. I feel that I should be able to cope with it on my own, and I'm ashamed at my weakness.
Thank you for reading.
Post edited by: DannyBoi, at: 01/02/2008 17:13
