Anxiety Disorders Support Group

I don't know what's normal anymore. I don't know if I'm overreacting or if "normal" people would be bothered by issues that bother me. Would appreciate a perspective. Only asking because my anxiety is on high alert over this and I need to make a sound decision.

My boyfriend and I briefly broke up, it was not a long term relationship by any means. Several months, however, we have been friends for years. He came back to me but I kept shutting him down and pushing him away because his actions had hurt me, I more or less told him I was moving on with my life and didn't want him in it.

During that time, since I didn't want to be with him, he made arrangements for his EX WIFE to come watch their child at his house for the whole summer. They were together 14 years and have been on and off several times since the divorce. She has no job, no money, and had a drug issue. He has sole custody and works 2 jobs in order to care for the child. The most recent they were together was from July-November of last year. He kicked her out in November for various reasons. It is KILLING me to know that she will be at his house every single day this summer. I asked why he made this arrangement and he said it's because he just bought a brand new house and does not have the money to pay for child care. He admitted he is not happy about the situation but summer is coming up and he had to find someone to care for the child while he works from 6 am to 9 pm everyday. He more or less got her to do it because being that she has no job she has the time to watch their daughter. She will be watching the child at his new house, so that he doesn't have to yank the kid out of bed at 5 am to shuffle her to her house.

Again, we weren't even officially together when he made these arrangements. He was a free man. However, I decided I would like to give it another try so I came back to him. When I came back to him, he told me upfront he had made a "bad decision". I asked what he meant by that and that is when I found out about this "babysitting ordeal". I expressed my concern. He said "There's nothing we can do about it until August". I told him I feared that him seeing her everyday would lead to him taking her back (I mean come on, he's got a nice brand new house and she is 42 years old and has no job and lives with her aunt, of course she's probably going to try to sucker him back in!!!). I flat out asked if he wanted her back and he said "No, but once again I've made things complicated." Other things he said "It't not a matter of wanting her back, just gonna be a long 3 months. I don't want to hurt you ever again". "Let's just be there for each other as much as we can right now". "I only did this because you made it clear that you didn't want me in your life". "All of this could have been avoided if we would have just had this talk earlier".

So, before my anxiety kills me... What should I do?

Try to trust him and prepare yourself for the worst.

Honestly if things weren't good between you anyway.

Just let life take care of it for you.

If he lets her back in maybe in the long run it is the best thing for you.

I say this after many years of miserable relationship.

In the long run it just isn't worth trying to hang on.

Find someone who makes you happy and vice versa.

Live and let live.

Hi

You told him you did not want him in your life.

He would be crazy to allow you back into his life now.

You need to think about what you are saying before you say things.

You can not just erase things like that.

If that were me - you would not be a possible candidate after making a statement like that to me.

hugs

While this is not a blame game and I respect your opinion, the original issue that caused all of this was his fault. He pushed me away so much for several months that I finally left him. He finally woke up and realized I was gone from his life, it was then that he made an effort and wanted me back. I said no and resisted the idea. As soon as I let my guard down a little bit and gave him a small chance, he told me to go away again. So, I did and told him I was done. Then 2 weeks later he reaches out via text and starts "coming around" again. I poured my heart out to him and that's when I found out about the ex. I asked why he pushed me away just 2 weeks prior and he said he was just mad and hurt. It's almost like he was testing me by telling me to go away again. He has since admitted he handled things wrong, but now were in this mess.

This pattern is a red flag to me because it's what we've gone through again and again in this marriage.

You did the right thing i think if he was pushing you away to break it off.

This feeling you have of not wanting to let go even though things weren't good I had that too.

And I hung on and on.

Now I think when he did that taking off distance thing I shouldn't have cried and begged to see him.

We were just newly married.

I just shouldn't have been there weeks later when he did come back.

It would have solved everything,

I guess I would have never known though that I would spend the rest of my life in that same pattern.

Just try to be open to this not working out and if it doesn't try to see it not as a loss but more an opportunity to find something different.

Post edited by: damselndistress, at: 04/27/2012 07:47 PM

And another thing it may seem like it's just this one issue the fact that she's going to be there for the summer.

But I don't think it will end there.

I think there will continue to be issues that stress you in this relationship repeatedly.

That is part of what makes it so toxic.

It's normal to think if we just make it through this, but I've spent half my life I think saying that.

You seem stressed and full of anxiety right now.

Take some time and think about if this is the way you want to feel for the rest of your life.

Will you be able to focus and function with this level of stress?

I couldn't.

Eventually it broke me down and I got very ill.

Either way I really hope things work out for you.

Question to ask yourself? how well do you think u can handle this situation? do you think his apology is scencere? do you really believe he is done with his feelings for his ex wife? do you really want him back, and are you willing to do what ever you have to do to make this relationship work? my advise if your going to stick around is to accept the situation because you cant change it. adapt to the situation its only three months and put your foot down with him and let him know that there have to be boundries and rules when it comes to his wife. that my advise.

You guys have been a Godsend and calmed me so much already. I have read many valid points and I so appreciate the outside perspective. Yes, I am seeing red flags and feel like things are toxic right now. Looks like I have lots of things to think about and consider. I just can't live my life always worrying about him leaving me for her. I know she's "manipulated" her way back several times-such as last summer when they were broke up and she was thrown in jail over meth. Her own family refused to help, so he bailed her out and moved her back in. It's like she's always got a sob story and he falls for it. Enabler, I guess. That's my concern now. The time before that, he took her back because she had just become homeless after her man left her. He needed help with their child so he moved her back in. That was in 2010. He said it was strictly for convenience that time but it's almost like the exact situation he's in now.

Thanks again for your help. I may continue to post as this progresses. Everyone have a good night.

Depressing. We talked on Saturday. He stated she had went with him and his daughter to a movie the night before. He said "You blew me off, so I let her watch our daughter Friday night while I worked and then let her go to the movie with us". I flat out asked him if he wanted her back. He didn't say no. Instead he said "I didn't say that". I kept trying to discuss it and he got frustrated. He said "Look, if we still have it at the end of the summer, then great, if not, ok". He then mentioned his mom is mad at him again. He wouldn't elaborate, but she has always gotten mad at him for taking the ex back (he's taken her back atleast twice that I know of). So, I'm assuming his mom has quit volunteering to babysit now that the ex is back in the picture.

To make matters worse, I drove by his house tonight on the way home from work. It was 11:30 pm and her car was still there. Leading me to believe she's either moved back in or at the very least is staying the night. Granted he has to leave for work at 5:30 am so it would make sense for her to stay (he works from 6 am-9 pm, so her going home is kinda crazy considering she would leave and have to be back at 5 am). But am I ok with knowing she's there overnight? Absolutely not. I kinda just assumed she DID go home every night. I had asked him if she was moving back in? He sarcastically replied "Yeah, she's moved in, playing housewife and mom and has dinner cooked every night". I got a shocked and hurt look on my face and he said "I was being sarcastic, those are all the things that she's not". So, I truly don't know what's going on!!! I just know her car was there at 11:30 pm and that's not a good sign. I refuse to be his backup plan just in case they don't work put, which they won't. He said it's already tense because shes harassing him for money. This is CRAZY. Had to vent!!!

i think you will let this situation make you crazy, and it's best to move on. Lots of red flags, and as a stepparent, i can tell you that probably won't help your anxiety any either! sorry to be blunt, but that is what i'd want someone to tell me, knowing what i know now.