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03/14/2012 06:21 PM

I feel so worthless and hopeless

HopelessrtcPosts: 31

Hi, my name is Steve. I am a gay man. A little over 8 months ago I met a gay guy I will call Mike. He had posted on Craigslist that he suffered from panic disorder and was in an abusive relationship. My mother had suffered from panic attacks for over 20 years before she died and all I could do was try and be a support to her so I was instantly drawn to try and help. I sent an email and the next day I was pleased he had responded. We began to speak through texts and carried on an almost constant text conversation for a week, day and night. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and we really seemed to get along, and I was really feeling like I wanted to help this guy out.

A week into us talking his abusive boyfriend started threatening to leave and when Mike would not get out of the car his boyfriend began yelling and saying he was going to call the police. He called me and I could hear the guy in the background. I said, I am coming to get you. I will be there in 3 hours. Be ready.

Turns out, after he arrived at my home, we talked day and night for another 2 weeks. He has panic disorder, agoraphobia, dependent personality disorder, he is terrified to take medicine to the point he will only take tums, and only rarely will he even do that, he has stomach pains every day and headaches and is tired all the time. He had lost the support of all his friends, his family and parents had abandoned him, and his only means of keeping off the street was to find men to take him in and care for him and stay with him until they would become to weird, demanding of sex or abusive and he would begin again looking for someone else to take him in. By the time he met me, he had lived with over 20 men, never having sex or getting into a real relationship with any of them because he was terrified of love, sex and relationships. This came from the fact that he had been in a couple of them before he got so sick that made him sicker. He had a stalker, another man who burned him with cigarettes, he has been raped and became hyper secretive, always keeping a backup guy that he was talking to so when the current guy lost it with him he would have someone to call to come pick him up.

So, he told me he wanted a relationship, wanted to get close to someone, wanted to be loved and have someone he could count on to come into his life. He maintains his backups and secret phone calls and locked down computer and phone to this day, 8 months later.

He can not sleep alone, so we sleep in the same bed, he can't go anywhere alone so if he can get out the house I have to go with him, he can not be home alone and so I can never leave him.

After a month or so I started sending flirty messages, had a dozen roses delivered to the house and started telling him I would love to try and date and see where it went. I told him I understood he was afraid of sex, kissing, romance, cuddling and so forth and told him I would give him all the time he needed to warm up to things. I had told me several times he really liked me and wanted to move forward with me but needed more time. When I approached him with the proposal he got angry and said I was being pushy. So I waited, continued to wait on him hand and foot. I have been on unemployment for 9 months due to being downsized by Comcast so I was able to support us and be here for him. I pay all the bills including his cell phone, I cook all the meals, I wash all the clothes and do all the cleaning. My intent was to make his life as comfortable as possible because I knew he had been through hell. 6 months ago he had my sister bring a dozen roses over and he asked me out. So everything was wonderful, then later that day I changed my facebook status and he wigged out. He said it was too much, could not handle it and the same day ended it.

So, we get along great, I got him into therapy and helped him file for disability. We enjoy movies together and talking, we basically have a lot in common. The only time we argue is on occasion, and probably more often than it should have but I bring up the relationship issue a couple of times a month and he yells and screams and says he is trying to get better, that he is not ready for all that, that his cup is full, that a relationship would just be too much for him. He says he wants to die and every day all he is doing is trying to stay alive another day.

So now to the problem, it's been 8 months. He is no better at all. He will not take meds, I still cook and clean and wait on him hand and foot. We still sleep together and there have even been a few awkward and very disconnected attempts at fooling around at night initiated by him. My unemployment is about to run out, his disability has not started yet and I don't know what I am going to do. I can't work or I break my word to him. I can't leave him alone or I break my word to him, I can't leave him with someone else because I would break my word.

Also in the meantime I am stuck. He will not even discuss a relationship or how he feels about me, just says he wants me to wait.

I have all these financial pressures on me, trying to figure out how to support us when I can't go get a job. I am lonely and can't date him or anyone else for that matter. I have no love or affection in my life. Most days I wonder why I even get out of bed because all I am good for is being his caretaker. He has told me he is sorry but as good a guy as I am, I am paying for all the abuse all the men before me have put him thorough.

Add to all this, I can't go out with friends, can't go to a movie or out to eat or bowling or anything else. And he acts like 8 months without any of that is just fine considering he has not done them in longer, but I AM NOT SICK. I am doing this because I have fallen in love with him and want to take care of him. I want him to feel secure and not have to worry about running to abusive man after abusive man.

BUT I am so sad. I am so lonely, I am so love starved and sexually frustrated. I feel so trapped after 8 months of having nothing that brings me joy...not love, sex, work, affection, movies, dinners with friends, NOTHING!

I am started to get very angry at him and I don't want to feel that way but it's all about him and I am started to feel like I don't matter, like I am worthless except to be his maid and caretaker.

I hate to see him suffer. I hate that he tells me when I bring up my feelings of loneliness and sadness and sexual frustration and love for him I am actually hurting him, causing him frustration and making him angry which is not good for him. BUT I MATTER, or do I ?

I don't know what to do. I am lost, trapped and oh so depressed and lonely.Sad


03/14/2012 08:00 PM
Posts: 141

I would recommend Al Anon or Codependents Anonymous. Are you in therapy?

I've been there where I found men that I could try & save & basically was taking care of financially, emotionally & sexually & was taken advantage of. I repeated this several times & realized that this was a pattern where I had mistaken very unhealthy relationships for 'love.'

It was all I knew. I came from a very dysfunctional, abusive home.

First of all, you can't save this person. He has to help himself. You are doing ALL the giving in this 'realtionship" & getting nothing back.

It isn't really a relationship because there would be equal give & take.

You are taking care of him & no longer taking care of you & he doesn't show any caring or 'love' for you. This is a very toxic relationship.

You are suffering at the cost of your mental health.

Kick him to the curb- he wants men to take care of him-period. When you kick him out he will just latch onto someone else like a piranha. All his excuses & behavior are proof that he can continue taking advantage of your kindness & never ever give anything back.

hon, that is NOT love. You need to take care of youself. You are not here to take care of someone that needs to take care of himself.

You deserve to have someone love you in a healthy way. Not this.

You deserve to be happy & enjoy your life & have people in your life

that are positive & give you joy.

hugs & prayers

cutepen- Cheryl

03/15/2012 05:34 AM
RaoulPosts: 4221
VIP Member

Yeah -

I agree with Cheryl.

You have been being taken advantage of.

Throw him out - he is just using you.


05/12/2012 12:34 AM
Posts: 48

Ohh that's a very sad situation. But all I can say is, YOU did your part. I know you are a great man, but you must go on with your life. Have you tried to talk to him bout it? You must tell him to understand what's going on you two. You both must make it as a foundation of your relationship. You must be give and take. Don't be too martyr with love cuz you deserve to be loved too at the first place. I hope you will find the light steve! Smile Just be practical when it comes to loving someone. I know its hard to leave him but you two must talk.. If he needs you back, then he must learn to give you the love and respect that you need...

05/12/2012 06:02 AM
Posts: 261

Firstly, no, you're not worthless. Your generosity to this person makes that clear.

I'm afraid I don't have enough experience with relationships to advise you on that side of things, but, just given your financial situation, this guy needs to be able to let you go work - i.e. let you leave him alone. It might be difficult to give him an ultimatum like that, but it seems like it is quickly becoming necessary...

Post edited by: Zetsubou, at: 05/12/2012 06:04 AM

05/13/2012 06:51 PM
Posts: 14

i was in your shoes but it was my girlfriends ex husband abused her and stalked her when she left him for me we have been together 7 yrs now you are not worthless you need to stand your ground you would be better off alone than with him

05/14/2012 12:18 PM
RaoulPosts: 4221
VIP Member

What is happening now????

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