Today as I woke up I relized just how far I have came in my own self recovery from panic disorder and my agro.
Not but just a year ago I had my first attack and boy oh boy did it scare the crap out of me I called 911 and EVERYTHING I was sure death was here to get me!
Of course as like most people I was told WRONG that I had a Virus and given some anti-biotcis and pain pills and sent home. I speant the next two months on the soda SCARED to move eatting pain pills and other things in the hopes I would feel better.
Back last march the thought of going outside, up the stairs to my room, the store or even driving was enough to make me worse, as time went I was SURE I was dying and that no one cared (of course in this time I had been back to the ER many times and had even called 91 3-4 more times as well) in all this time Never not once did a doctor tell me anything about panic,anxiety or stress that could cause all these feelings of course I thought I was dying.
It was not until I went to a Urgent Treatment center and FINALLY got a doctor that cared that told me what it COULD be and handed me a bottle of Xanax .50mg to take as needed of course. (I had no idea what that meant either cause as needed for me meant every hour on the hour of my life)
Anyways I just wanted to share that I was HAPPY that so much has really changed with me and my panic over the last year, I have had my ups and boy oh boy have I had my DOWNS too lol..
Over all I went through such a WIDE range of things that looking back almost make me laugh they were like phases in acceptance and healing
I went from thinking I had low blood sugar (bought a testing kit and everything) would not and COULD not get out of bed till I ate some peanut butter and drank apple juice
Then I had low blood pressure (again went out and bought a BP cuff) every three hours I was taking it and my pluse just KNOWING I would catch something the doctors wont try to find out
Then I went through a whole meditation phase which god save me probally was the best one I had and could have ever went through as I still use it to this day and has helped me more than anything
The I went through a wanting to know EVERYTHING about panic phase every book, workbook, worksheet, coping tool,online program, or support group I WAS a part of it I am SURE I spent AT LEAST 1,000 bucks in 6 months on CRAP that swore to be the cure (of course if was not cause panic is only fixed by the person INSIDE of us lol)
Of course in this time I has started taking MASSIVE amounts of Xanax up to 6mg's a day and my new doc Pdoc. of course saw nothing wrong with this (lord help me its my fault too if I would not have been so upset about what I THOUGHT my body was doing I would have been MORE concerned with what I was doing TO my body)
But alis now I am down to less than 1mg of xanax a day and working to get off that but taking my time (as last time I tappered down I ended up in the ICU having sezuires from withdrawaling too fast)
I am able to cope with my panic better (though it still scares me when i comes I dont think I am dying and dont call 911 anymore lol) I am able to drive again, go to MOST places alone, I can even ride my motorcycle again which is a blessing in so many ways
In this time I lost my son (working on getting him back cause I tried to kill myself and my mom took him) I lost my husband (working on getting that back as well I still live with him and he is nothing but kind but could not take me emptying the bank account on crap that wont work and me not wanting to move off the sofa) I lost my job and pretty much everything else due to depression an lack of give a damn that I gave up..
BUT I am not sad I have learned sooo much and understand sooo much better now....I am over coming what takes many YEARS if not a life time to over come within just a year I am 100% sure that I will be able to be cured from inner self talk, possitive thinking and just talking it out within the next year or so and I am in no hurry to get better cause I know I am and can FEEL I am dont matter how long it takes as long as I go up not down hahahah
Sorry this was so long just wanted to share it with someone!
"This has been one of the most supportive places I have ever been. I found MDJ by mistaking looking for drs to help me with my many health issues and since that day over a year ago I have found a tight nit little family that keeps me going when the times are tough and offers me a place of retreat to share my successes and failures with others. I get to see the humor and seriousness of what I experience as well as the resources to learn about my health conditions. Thanks MDJ" (peasha)
