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08/29/2010 07:11 PM

afraid of happiness

nicoleo
Posts: 40
Member

I have suffered with anxiety since I was a child. As an adult, I find this anxiety sometimes manifests in the form of commitment phobia. This phobia has bled into my career, college education and my marriage. I have moments when I am so afraid of the future, making wrong choices, loosing myself and my independence, being hurt, hurting others, that I just want to give up and walk away from it all. Not in a suicidal kind of way, but rather in a travel the world having no commitments, no deep loving relationships, no lasting career, nothing by my own freedom kind of way.

I am miserable and afraid with this kind of anxiety b/c I know that isn't the way to true happiness. But, neither is living in fear. Primarily, I suppose I fear things that haven't happened - worse case scenario kinds of things. And, like I have felt about many things since I was a child, I worry that if it hasn't happened yet, I have a hard time believing that the best case scenario will ever happen.

Help anyone? My therapy is no longer covered on my insurance plan and I can't take meds anymore b/c I'm pregnant (I know, more reason to be consumed w/ anxiety).

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08/29/2010 07:18 PM
carlden
carlden  
Posts: 96
Member

i know what you are talking about,i am the same way ,i anticipate the worst in everthing

08/29/2010 08:58 PM
Ginag
Ginag  
Posts: 2819
Senior Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi

A dianosis we never get but the symptom is always present. The "What if's?". Life in the present isn't hard enough, we actually go into the non existant future and design anxiety producing situations. The "What if's?" is a symptom of depression and anxiety. Our projections

are sooo real. If I had a way to release you of this, I'd take my own advice. lol Today I am calm, but I been there many times. When I read your post I could feel it in my gut.

I wish you well. God Bless.


08/30/2010 05:32 PM
nicoleo
Posts: 40
Member

Yes, I think the "what if's" is a huge problem for me. I am feeling better today after venting to you all and crying to my husband and being comforted. I find the best anectdote is taking things one day at a time.... soooooooooooo hard to do sometimes. I'm still trying.

08/30/2010 08:11 PM
Wolfpack
Wolfpack  
Posts: 874
Senior Member

Nicoleo,

Welcome to the group!

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. It's good you have an understanding husband that lets you cry a good cry. I have trouble crying. I wasn't allowed to cry as a child, and my husband has flashback of his mother when I cry now which is bad.

She used to cry while he was getting beaten close fisted by his step father and she was doint nothing about it but sitting there crying. So you can imagine what he goes through when I cry.

It still hurts though because sometimes he accuses me of faking it which I never do. I couldn't and wouldn't know how. But apparently his mother did, so I get to cry silently sometimes.

Sorry, got into me a little too much there. About you, it must be tough having to be off all your meds because you are pregnant. How are you getting along without them?

Hope things are still getting better. They always get better then worse then better, so shoot for the better days.

Post edited by: Wolfpack, at: 08/30/2010 08:13 PM


09/03/2010 07:31 PM
inourblood
inourblood  
Posts: 56
Member

I can relate nicoleo. If/when you find a solution please let me know. The only positivity I can really inject here is that some days are easier than others.

09/04/2010 12:35 PM
leandrat

Hello and welcome to the group, as you can see alot of us here can totally understand where you are coming from.

Its hard to learn to see things in a happy light and talk possitive about ourselves and what around us if we dont FEEL happy I hope you stick around there are alot of people here that can help you along your way

Lee


09/09/2010 01:57 PM
nicoleo
Posts: 40
Member

Thank you all so much. It really does help to feel like I'm not alone and that other people understand how I feel. I'm feeling better these days. Sometimes it really helps to get it all out you know? I know there will be good and bad days. I'm working hard to change my perspective about things. Chatting w/ you all really does help. Thanks again so much.

09/09/2010 02:01 PM
nicoleo
Posts: 40
Member

Thanks Cindy. I'm sorry to hear about you and your husband. I think we all bring baggage from our past into our relationships and sometimes we don't even realize it or we don't realize the extent to which it has affected us. I hope things get better for you. And thank you for responding. Btw, it still kind of sucks not being able to take any meds. But, I guess it's giving me the opportunity to discover new coping methods which can be a really good thing when the new methods are constructive (such as seeking out support group help from you all). Tx again.
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