Alzheimer's Disease Support Group

Hello Group,

My name is Mary and my mother is suffering from Alzheimer's. We believe she is mid stage. My father who was her caretaker suffered a stroke 6 weeks ago and is still recovering. We are unsure of his recovery. My sister and I been taking care of my mother since then. We hired someone (a family member) to stay with her four nights a week and we tag team the other nights, we started taking her to Adult Care 4 days aweek and taking her to the hospital to see dad. In the evening we tag team dinners and time until she goes to bed. For the first few weeks she was agreeable and went along. Recently she has become aggressive and refuses to cooperate. She threatened suicide if I made her go to daycare. I have spoken with the daycare and they say she is fine there, chatting and somewhat participating. Since her behavior has changed so much in the past 2 weeks we find ourselves worried for her safety. She ran out of the house once., etc... My sister and I are grappling with the decision of placing her in a memory unit. Even when my dad comes home (??) we know he will be unable to care for her and I believe she will expect everything to go back to the way it was. That is why we think a memory unit may be the option. I am asking for someone to share their experiences, so I can undertand and come to terms with my guilt and sadness. Sorry for the ramble... I am exhausted and don't know what to do next.

Thank you,

Maura

is someone staying with her a permanent thing or just until your dad comes home from the hospital? if you can afford it by all means, keep her in daycare, it gives her interaction with others and your caretaker will need the break. double lock deadbolts will keep her in the house, just keep the key where she can't reach it but everyone else can in case of an emergency.if there is no plan for 24/7 care after your dad gets home, maybe you should put her in memory care before your dad gets home, it might make the transition easier while they are apart. less stress and guilt on dad if you made the decision, not him. hope things work out for you.

Hi Maura, sorry you are going through this. I really am. It's a tough call. You are not into the worst of it yet as unfortunately the disease only gets worse. And of course even at this point you are probably emotionally and physically exhausted. I just want to add that as someone who works in a private pay, "high-end" memory assisted living home, these places are not great. They cannot be great. Every place skimps on caregivers, most residents are heavily over-medicated and seem to degenerate badly after moving there. The common areas might look and smell nice, but a closer look at certain areas (aka shower rooms etc) will horrify you. Wander in at say 12:30 am and you will see maybe 2 caregivers per 8-10 high needs patients. Maybe, if lucky. And you will see your mother being lifted by either arm and plopped into bed like a sack of potatoes by two surly "caregivers." And if you had a secret camera, you will see them laughing and joking about how much your mother's BM stinks when she becomes fully incontinent and needs diaper/depends changing. And if someone complains about something, some aspect of lack of care to your loved one that bothers you (example: you complain about lack of oral care) that particular aspect may well be improved. But the cost will be that certain caregivers will actually resent your mother for requiring more care than they feel they have time to give. And they will find ways to show this resentment to your mother when you are not there, which even in the best of circumstances will be most of the time. And your mother will reach a stage where she cannot tell you anything coherent so you'll never really know what happens when you're not there. Hard to hear this, I know. It's not something I relish telling people, but it is a fact. I have seen it at multiple facilities. Everyone who works on the inside, including treating physicians believe in keeping their own family members out of these places if at all possible. If you can possibly get insurance help with home health aid, etc, make her home more "wander safe" you may find this to be a more fiscally practical and ultimately kinder decision.