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04/21/2012 04:53 PM

the visits

chrismat
 
Posts: 7
New Member

Hi there, I am struggling with guilt over not visiting my Mom often enough. i work full time (plus), have a husband and 2 sons and a Dad whose health is poor. I try to see my Mom 3 to 4 times a week but there are some weeks i just can'T do it. i'm up at 530, leave for work at 6 and by the time i get home, make dinner, etc i'm done. I'm not complaining, it just is. When i visit during the week, they are short (1 hour). It is only me, my sister and my dad who visit her. the rest of the family has dropped off the face of the earth.

Does anyone else feel this? i'm just so tired.

thanks

chris

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04/22/2012 01:17 AM
tony36
tony36  
Posts: 1408
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Chris, I am sorry you feel like that. You have to balance your obligations to all your dependents and to continue doing this for the long haul you have to first make sure to look after your self and take the break when you need it rather than over do it and take a break because you no longer can do it. Also be clear on the difference between guilt (when you do something wrong) and feelings of guilt (when you do nothing wrong but still feel guilty). Just do your best when you can and take a break BEFORE you have to.

Tony


04/23/2012 09:06 AM
birdlover
birdlover  
Posts: 370
Member

Hello Chris.It is so easy to feel guilty when in fact you have done nothing wrong.Try looking at it this way: You are doing the best you can.Tony is right, you have to take care of yourself and your family.No one can be everywhere at any given time.I'm sorry the rest of the family has "dissappeared".A lot of times when we as humans don't know what to say we don't say anything.Time can get away and before you know it, too much time has slipped away. Maybe the family doesn't know how to deal with this disease and so they just try to ignore it.That makes it unfair to theones who have to deal with it, but it is what it is.

Try to make the best out of your situation and don't worry about things you can't do.Try to remember the Serinity Prayer and say it to yourself when you feel overwhelmed.Take care!! Hugs, Gina


04/23/2012 09:22 AM
livingston
 
Posts: 41
Member

i understand how you feel. i take care of my dad at home 24/7 who appears to be in stage 6 now.i don't work outside the home as you do but i have the sole care of my mother also, who has severe dementia. i recently had to admit my dad to the hospital for a diabetic ulcer on his foot, that will more than likely result in amputation.i have been the sole caregiver for 4 years without a break, and yes i'm tired. my dad has been in the hospital for 4 days.i need to go see him,i can't seem to get there. i'll admit it almost feels like a vacation,if it wasn't for the guilt that keeps me in termoil. i can't leave my mom alone so i have limited time to go anywhere,i can't take her with me for many reasons.i feel like i take care of him at home, why can't other siblings do the hospital visits, and then i feel guilty for feeling that way.i probably haven't helped you any, just know i understand and feel for you,i wish i could make it better for you.

04/23/2012 04:49 PM
claredoll77
claredoll77  
Posts: 825
Member

Chris, I work in a home, and visiting your mom 3-4x week is a lot compared with most families I see. I can understand your guilt, but please trust me when I say you are going above and beyond what most families do for a loved one in care.

04/24/2012 03:54 PM
chrismat
 
Posts: 7
New Member

To each of you, thank you so very much. I feel as though a weight (or some weight) has been lifted! Birdlover - I will keep the Serenity Prayer in my purse and every time i feel the need, i will read it.

Livingston - my dear, i don't know how you do it. you are in my thoughts.

Claredoll - thank you for your perspective!

Tony36 - so wise

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