Alzheimer's Disease Support Group

My dad is 90 and has alzheimers we knew he had it for a while but never knew how bad it was my mom would never tell anyone how hard it was at home. Well last yr daddy was driving at 1 in the morning and he is not suppose to be driving at all well at night. We actually removed the gas out of his car just so he wouldnt drive due to him getting confused more often. Well the unthinkable happened they were in a car accident my dad got confused and got back on the frwy in the wrong direction. They came head on with a 4 wheel UPS truck well the truck driver swirved to miss them and he hit my moms side of the car. My mom was in the hospital for 2 months and had alot of surgery all her bones on the right side were broke so they had to put pins in her arms and legs. She lived 2 months then passed well i stayed with dad to take care of him and seen what mama was going through he didnt sleep and walked all night around the house making sure i was still there. He didnt remember mama died and was telling everyone i was his girlfriend and we were getting married he forgot who i was. Well he started hitting me all the time and i never told no one because i wanted to take care of him but somone found out due to him hitting me in front of church and then everything went down hill. My dad was placed in a home and now i feel so bad and guilty i knew my dad didnt understand why he was put there and everytime i talk to him he always asks me when am i gonna come get him and take him home. I dont know what to say and it hurts my heart to see him there. Does anyone have any sugesstions on what i can do or say to him?

My heart goes out to you ! AD is a terrible disease ! I watched it slowly take my brother-n-law away from us and it was so hard ! Have you asked a doctor about behavioral meds ? My sister had to do that and it helped allot..I know it's hard to see your dad like this.Our parent's always seemed invincible when we were growing up ! I want to encourage you to never give up even when it seems so useless ! Just keep telling him you love him every day and try to get him to talk to you about things that mean allot to him.We would do this with my brother-n-law .He loved music so my sister would play music for him and that always calmed him too.

I wish no-one had to deal with this terrible disease but unfortuantly some of us have too and thats why this group is so important ! You are never alone here !

Hugs and Prayers always, Eliemae

Hello Mary. I'm sorry you are still having a hard time. It's like when we were children though. Our parents had to make hard decisions that we did not like and did not understand because we could only see what we wanted and not the whole situation. Your dad is like that now, he just wants to go home, but you have to look at the whole situation and realize that he can't come home for a variety of reasons.

My mom has done what your dad is doing. Because she lives with my sister and brother-in-law she thinks my BIL is her husband. In their generation you did not live in the same house with a member of the opposite sex unless you were married to them, so that's probably why your dad has developed the girlfriend scenario in his mind.

I'm not sure any answer you give him will enable him to settle for living where he is. I probably would tell him that he needs extra care right now and that you are not up to providing it. I even let our aunt think she was in a hospital for this extra care, because a hospital is more acceptable to them than a nursing home. If you put him off long enough he will likely forget he has lived anywhere else. In general, in our family it has worked for us not to go visit for two weeks at first so that the patient learns to depend on the facility staff, then when they are established in the facility, it is easier to go see them without their being so insistent on going home.

Nothing works perfectly Mary. My heart goes out to you. ANW

Thank you both for the support I just feel so down especially with christmas and then I live 6 hrs from him. I was going to move to where he was at to stay with him and let him be able to stay in the house but when he started hitting me it just got to hard. I have nuropathy and fibermyalgia in my legs and severe artheritas in my knees and it was taking such a toll on me and my health and i was doing it all alone. He would walk all night so i couldnt sleep at all and i got exhausted and was in severe pain the thing is i was willing to do it because i love my dad. When other people found out he was hitting me thats when it got crazy and the police was called out not by me. I always said if anything happened to daddy i would take care of mama and if anything happened to mama i would take care of daddy now i feel like i let mama down and i just cant shake that feeling. I just feel like the worse daughter in the world and I would love to take him home but i am now in a wheelchair and i need help myself i just feel so alone.

From what you have told us about your situation, you are probably one of the few people in the world who feels like you have not done everything you could to care for your dad. Those of us on this forum know how hard it is to care for someone with AD. When the AD gets to the point of violence, it is not possible for one person to do the caretaking alone, and especially not when you are also incapacitated. It is not a matter of willpower. You have made a promise that is impossible to keep, so please, don't make your own health worse by beating yourself up about it. Let that one burden go. ANW

ANW thank you so much for your kind words everyone here has been so nice to me and i appreciate it so much i have been through so much and my mom and dad was there to take me in and show me true love and as much i wish i could take care of my dad I cant and he deserves better help then i can give him. As hard as it is to say in my situation and health he deserves better then what i can give him. I would of never of felt that way if it werent for this group thank you all so much. mary

Hi Mary, Mygrammie has been in an assisted living since she fell and broke her hip 2 1/2 years ago, before she broke her hip we were trying to figure out how we were going to get some help with her care because she could not be alone at all anymore, she lived out in the country and ran a bar and restaurant for 55 years and it was horrifying to say the least, she has been in the assisted living she is in now, for over 2 years, a couple of weeks ago she fell and was hurt but nothing broken, before that she fell a couple of times but not serious. Hardly a day goes by when I am there that she does not mention going home. Often it is the comfort and security of home they miss, more than the actual building. I think that you and your family are making the right decision, I hope you will find lots of comfort and realize we are all going thru the same things here! Hugs, jackie 4mygrammie

Hi Mary! You are a wonderful daughter!I can see that in how you write.You should be proud of the care you have given your father.I know it's hard to see him in a home but you have to take care of yourself.Whe we had to put my father-in-law in a home,he wanted to "go home" everytime we were there.We kept telling him when he could walk out,he could go home.He went downhill fast,so he didn't ask to go home for long.I'm not saying your dad will go downhill fast,just that my FIL gave up on life mentally.

Try some of the suggestions from the others.You never know what might help him adjust.Please don't feel guilty about not being able to care for your dad.After all,we all are only human! Hugs,Gina

Thank you all for your loving support I cried when i read them. I was sitting in the Living room earlier today looking at my mom and dads pictures and missing my mom and dad just thinking of what mama would think knowing im getting married on her bday next month and i seen dads pictures and broke down crying i miss him so much there is nothing i wouldnt give to be able to see him but right now with my fiance not working all the bills are on me and i only get disability and after rent i have less then 100 a month to try to pay bills and buy what we need well it dont work or leave money to go see dad. When i read your kind words just made me feel like i didnt fail daddy thank you all so much it was what i needed. mary

Mary,

I also have fibro and chronic fatigue, so I know how hard it can be to be responsible for someone else's care when you're not in the best shape yourself. You are a great daughter. It's not your fault that you have an illness that makes it too difficult to care for Dad. In heaven, your Mom will know that and understand bc she loves you also.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage, that's a sweet anniversary to plan for your wedding. hugs heather