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02/20/2009 07:17 PM

Rock Bottom

CaitlinRae
CaitlinRae  
Posts: 9
New Member

Hi, Everyone. Thank you for accepting me into your group.

I've lost almost everything to alcohol, including my self-love. I have been drinking excessively for over ten years. At first, I found that liquor helped my anxiety and depression I have had since I was twelve. Then, of course, booze only compounded my symptoms.

I was once a respected Education Director at a local college, when in 2005, the company laid off 16 people, and my position was eliminated. Of course, the first thing I did was go home and drink an entire bottle of vodka. My fiance at the time also drank heavily and enabled me in every way.

In February of 2006, I went with him and some friends to a rock concert. We all partied heavily before the concert and when we were leaving later on, I fell down some stairs and broke my ankle and part of my leg. You'd think that this would have been my wake up call.

But, it wasn't. I "cut back" to wine versus the hard stuff, but found those dark feelings inside my head to become more than I could deal with on a daily basis.

I broke up with my fiance and miss him terribly to this day. I started dating a man I had met fourteen years earlier and we started a long distance relationship. Within three months, he moved into my condo with me. Right away, we were destructive to each other. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. After a year into this horrible relationship, I had sense to go stay with my parents for a week. When I went back to get more clothes, he slapped me hard across the face at close range and came after me. I shriveled myself up and pleaded with him to stop, and he did.

I should have walked away completely right then. But, low and behold, staying with my parents was proving stressful, so I went back. Within two weeks of me being back, we got into a bad fight which resulted in him cracking me upside my face with a portable phone. I fell to the floor, holding my hand to catch the blood that was spurting from my cut open eye. I called the police and he was arrested.

Of course, all of this only gave me more of an excuse to drink. I don't even get pleasure from drinking anymore and haven't in quite some time. I feel like I drink to punish myself.

I finally hit my rock bottom when, the day before this past Thanksgiving, I drank and drove, resulting in me crashing my car and being arrested for DUI. The case is still pending and I can't tell you how low I have become. Every day is a reminder of how badly I screwed up.

The abusive boyfriend won't leave my condo, so I have been staying with my parents since my accident. I feel like the person I knew myself to be is so far gone, she can never return.

My parents are disappointed, worried, scared, distraught and completely spent. I have relapsed a few times on alcohol and they are very upset with me.

I have a Master's Degree and an impressive resume. So, why in the hell, at age 35, am I living with my parents again? I am so diseased and upset with myself because of it.

I still have my job, thank God, and great friends. Because I didn't have total coverage on my car, it was a total loss and I have to be driven anywhere and everywhere by my mom or friends. Talk about degrading!

I don't even know where to begin to get help for this, so here I am. I just want myself and my life back!

God bless,

Caitlin

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02/21/2009 12:08 PM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
Posts: 42739
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Caitlin, welcome to our group. We support one another in our quest for sobriety. It sounds like you have had one rough ride because of alcohol, and I am sorry for that. I know what it is to drink no matter what the consequences and to end up in an abusive relationship, with my life spinning out of control. I hope this is rock bottom for you. It's sad, but it seems we have to hit hard to realize we need to change somehow, no matter how difficult it will be to do so. It doesn't matter what kind of jobs we have, or the letters after our names. Anyone can become addicted. Alcohol is the great equalizer. It destroys anyone the same way.

Right now, drinking is not going to make a bad situation better. It will only add to it. The only way to get back on track is to focus on getting sober. I am glad you have a place stay away from your abuser. You would be wise to stay there for a while, until you can deal with him from a place of strength. I don't know how you will get him to move out, but it will probably take the help of others going with you to back you up. You might need to talk with your local police to see what your legal options are in this circumstance.

I encourage you to keep posting here and let us support you in your desire to stop drinking. I also strongly encourage you to go to AA. There is great strength when sharing face to face with others who are working toward the same goal of sobriety.

Glad you are here with us.


02/21/2009 11:38 PM
CaitlinRae
CaitlinRae  
Posts: 9
New Member

You have no idea how much I needed your post. Thank you so much! I attended the Body-Mind-Spirit Expo today, too, and got a healing. Another step in the right direction! Smile God Bless!

02/22/2009 10:55 AM
AndysCandi

Hi Caitlin,

Wow, I know what you are going through...I am 36 years old and am a recovering alcoholic. I lost everything to alcohol and I'm here to tell you, you can get your life back and more. I have a very similar background with alcohol and am getting my masters. Go to AA, aa saved my life and it can do it for you too by working the steps. If you've tried it before try it again the right way with a sponser and working the steps. I'm here to listen and looking forward to your posts.

hugz,

ange


02/22/2009 07:29 PM
CaitlinRae
CaitlinRae  
Posts: 9
New Member

Bless you and thank you, Ange! This is encouraging and I appreciate the words of wisdom. I will look into local chapters a.s.a.p.! Smile

02/24/2009 08:00 AM
outfoxed
Posts: 5
New Member

I too am just coming to terms with my drinking. I have figured out, as most on this list say, that I need to be in a group. I think you do too. I have been reading the posts from other members to you and I have found them to help me too. I just went 7 days without a drink, but last night I had 3. So I'm starting over today. I will do it. I keep telling myself that I have to be in the moment... My hardest time is right before I get to the house after work. There a 3 liquor stores that I pass. They are only about a mile from my house. If I can get past those stores I am good. To day I am going to try a different way home.

jackie


02/24/2009 04:00 PM
annie966
annie966  
Posts: 235
Member

Hi Catlin -

One thing I am thankful for is that I hit rock bottom when I was 37 - that's when everything was out of control for me. I am 42 now and just thank God everyday that I got help when I did. I haven't had a drink since 5/04 but in 06 I took some unprescribed prescription meds. I got on track in Nov. 06 again and things are much easier now. I now have 2 yrs of complete sobriety - a huge miracle!!!

What really surprises and amazes me is that when I screwed up with the drugs, I still didn't drink. I believe that is because of all that I learned in AA by going to meetings, having a sponsor, and working the 12 steps. My mistake was that I didn't face from the beginning that it wasn't just alcohol for me - I needed to face the addiction to meds also.

When I was drinking, I made lots of stupid decisions, most of us do because it is the alcohol running our minds for us - it is a disease that just takes over. We think of every reason possible that we need to drink over and over again. At the end, I too, didn't even enjoy it anymore. I was just drinking to keep away the withdrawl and kept giving into my physical and mental cravings.

I shared with Outfoxed that all I could do at first was just go 10 min at a time and tell myself -"I will not drink for the next 10 min" and then go to the next 10 min. Sounds silly probably but in AA you know how they say One day at a time? Many, many of us can't begin to think of one whole day at first.

My hardest time too was 5:00 when my hubby and I would have an after work drink. At first it felt like torture and yes the stores called out to me - but thats when my AA friends helped - I would call someone while driving, cooking dinner, and all of the things I associated with drinking. It doesn't have to be someone in AA but just calling anyone supportive. I started making coffee and drinking that instead - just having some kind of cup in my hands seemed to help a ton. Chocolate too is suppossed to help cravings, we pass them around at some of my meetings! Hey - that's pretty cool, isn't it?

Don't beat yourself up over and over. You can't change the past and you are making steps to get well. It is the disease, not you completely, that causes us to do things and get in situations we would never have dreamed of.

Hang in there - you too Outfoxed. Hope you are not beating yourself up for slipping last night - it happens - just keep moving forward and don't give up.

I'm glad that both of you are considering going to AA. Truly, the people there and the AA program have changed everything in my life. Its not just about not drinking - its about recovery and healing in every area of your life. It takes time, but the people who love us usually come around and forgive and support us.

Glad you are reaching out for help. My prayers are with both of you. Annie


02/24/2009 04:03 PM
annie966
annie966  
Posts: 235
Member

Didn't mean for that to be so long.Silly Smile

02/24/2009 04:12 PM
uppitywoman
uppitywoman  
Posts: 42739
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Annie, I can relate to having to break down a day. I was taking it hour by hour in the beginning of my road to recovery. And I will say again along with others, Catlin, AA saved my life. I can't encourage you enough to get to AA. Those 12 steps are steps to freedom. And that freedom is best expressed in community with others who have the same desire to live life free of the tyranny of alcohol.

02/24/2009 04:59 PM
newday0073
newday0073Posts: 84
Member

Congrats On Your Sobriety!!1

I could totally relate to your story.For Me My rock bottom was august08 when I was headed for possibly permanent Institutionalation(sp?)I was about to literally loose My sanity,My Wife,who Loves Me still and stuck with Me through all the pain I caused Her and Myself.

I tank God everyday that the obsession to drink has been lifted;I am trying to work My program for the Bi-Polar issues as well.

God Bless YOU!!Keep the faith.

Post edited by: newday0073, at: 02/24/2009 17:01

Post edited by: newday0073, at: 02/24/2009 17:02[img size=150]Cheerful

Post edited by: newday0073, at: 02/24/2009 17:04

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