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carmen33
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Hello Everyone, My name is Carmen, and I am a alcoholic. Crystal, it is wonderful that your husband is in recovery, and having almost a year is great, I had been drinking from a very early age, and it took me till I was 33 to get sober, that is what the 33 stands for that follows my name, the age that I started my life over. It took a long long time and a lot of pain to get me to where I was willing to surrender and admit that I had problems. I had taken others to detox, attended AA meetings with them for moral support all the while not seeing that I had a problem. It took a arrest for drug possesion and some time in Sybil Brand institute in Los Angeles for me to realize that something wasn't right in my life. I was sentenced to a diversion class, I had had one Driving while intoxicated, even that didn't open my eyes, but the diversion class planted the seed for recovery. I was living on the streets of Long Beach, supporting myself and my habits by drug dealing, my dealing paid for my diversion class, and the Counsler there knew I was whacked the entire time that I was in it. He helped me find a recovery program that taught me how to live again, on lifes terms without the crutch of alcohol, I am blessed to be able to say there is life after sobriety. I will have 14 years on the 19th of January, 2008. I can't say that it has been a easy ride, more like the nastyist, scareist roller coaster that you have ever been on, it's too easy to take the bottle way out when the going gets tough, I've been close a few times. Especially when other illnesses have popped up over the last few years, but I have kept in mind, that these illnesses have probably been here all the time, it was just that I didn't care when I was in the bottom half of a big bottle of 151 Rum. As a alcoholic you don't believe that anyone else could be like you, you feel alone and isolated. Give your husband a great big hug for me, and give yourself one for being there for him. Although they aren't good for the figure, chocolate shakes can help to take the edge off the craving, I know, I have a hour glass figure that has about 72 hours in it. Lol, looks more like a apple than a hour glass... My husband is in recovery too, he will take 9 years this January 1st. Hugs Carmen |
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JR1
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That's a nice welcome, Carmen! Well-said! Keep comin' back, okay? Jim James A Rist
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carmen33
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Plan on it Jim, you can't chase me off, cause to go back there is to walk out in front of a Semi for me. Today I know that I don't ever have to feel that pain again. Carmen
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dreamrogue
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I'm new to this forum too, so I guess this is the right place to post. I am happy to hear so many people supporting each other. I would like to say first that I am a 29 yr. old psychology grad with a two year old and a husband. I started drinking when I met my husband 10 years ago in college, getting out of the straight A shy girl with a codependent-boyfriend type arena for the first time. I had a couple traumatic experiences right before that, but as I smoked pot and did hallucinagens occasionally, I found peace with myself and lots of friends, and a deeper connection to the world. We got married and had Layla, but for ten years, I got lucky, having nearly weekend black outs. I didn't drive drunk, and with my friends I felt comfortable since they would occasionally black out and get taken care of. I just didn't know when to stop. It caused arguements with my husband, and eventually the band we had going for about a year broke up. During the time I was working in mental health, I began having insomnia and subtle delusions that I didn't notice until it was too late. After my husband kicked me out of our band, I had an affair with his best friend, threw away a good job, and believed I was on a crusade to better humanity, wrecking my car, getting committed, and withdrawing completely into my own fantasy world. For about six months, I thought I was understanding a higher state of mind. The thing that makes it different from schizophrenia was that I felt good the entire time, I felt in control. No drugs, no drinking, after I was committed for a month and released to my parents at least. Six months later, the fantasy world shut down, and I was left regretting my choices and feeling torn apart by my new beliefs. I feel like a horrible person now, completely alone and in confusion about my experience. The reason I'm here in alcoholism is that four dreams I've had have involved some sort of conversation about my having drank too much. One in particular was very intense, a woman telling me that abusing alcohol takes away your turn. I feel that way, like my life is no longer full of the opportunity it once was, like the only hope now lies in my daughter. That might seem selfish, to think that hope would lie anywhere else but than in our children, but I really want to write a book about my experience, as I had been planning throughout. In order to do that, I need to sort through my understanding about my alcohol abuse. So, anyone with a similar experience?  Or does anyone know of anyone with a similar experience? I've researched and found that some people who were severe alcoholics have had alcoholic psychosis for an extended period of time, but it doesn't quite sound the same. I have never had cravings for alcohol, I just don't like to stop when I drink with friends. Thanks for reading. |
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carmen33
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Hi, Dream and welcome to the forum, are you still sober or still drinking? if your still sober then your life is still full and rich with the possibilities you have always had in front of you.. Alcohol does take away your chance, your chance at happiness, at health and being the parent that your daughter deserves..only you can regain your turn, no one and nothing including your love for your daughter can do that for you. I haven't had the schizophrenia or psychosis as a issue with my drinking and drugging and have had the times when I would black out.. wake up and find myself in places that I should have been dead.. Are you seeing a therapist? if not I do suggest that you do, to find out what is going on..and address any issues you might be having.. Writing is a wonderful tool, not only can it be educational for others but healing for us as well.. |
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JR1
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Dear DreamRogue, Welcome! Last things first.... I have never had cravings for alcohol, I just don't like to stop when I drink with friends. Sometimes the concept of craving is misunderstood. "The craving", so-called, begins with the first drink. Recovering alcoholics sometimes confuse craving with obsession. But you know that obsession is merely dwelling on an idea, while craving is a compulsion which, in a psychic and pathological sense, demands action--another drink or drug. So the difference between "obsession" and "craving" is the choice to take the first drink or the first drug. Next..., periodic or chronic substance abuse can lead to substance related psychosis--temporary or permanent--and finally to complete dimentia and permanent DT's. I have visited drug and alcoholic wards in hospitals in which some patients who, due to chronic ingestion of alcohol and drugs without proper nutrition, have suffered so much brain and brain stem damage that they have become mindless organisms--yet they remain obsessed with their substance of choice! The foundation for psychosis rests in part on deeply rooted fear and negative beliefs. Periodic or habitual abuse of mind or mood altering substances amplifies deeply rooted fear and negative beliefs, thus at times to induce the psychosis to which you refer. This fear based tendency for an alcoholic or drug user to develop habitual dependence or to experience frequent and continued relapse is what I call the Four Horsemen--a progression from FEAR to ANGER to RESENTMENT and ultimately to debilitating REMORSE. Fear in simplistic terms is the belief that I will not have things my way. Belief in simplistic terms is faith or expectation that a specific action or event will give an anticipated result. Great fear or unreasonable beliefs demand control (of people, places, and things). The inability to gain control leads to resentment. Resentment demands expression, even action, in defense against people, places, and things. Acting out the defensive mindset of resentment causes damage--mentally, physically, socially, spiritually, emotionally--all of which lead mainly to remorse, the result of which is loneliness, hopelessness, and finally desperation. In this final stage of the psychic progression, a state of mind usually associated with periodic and chronic abuse, the individual developes pathological conditions of the mind which may result in schizophrenia. In the chronic stages of their disease, alcoholics and addicts become very resistent to any form of treatment or recovery, and mind- or mood-altering medications are as much likely to propel a patient into relapse as they are likely to relieve the patient of symptoms. This kindling effect has received a lot of attention recently where mental illness is present with substance abuse (dual diagnosis). These are my opinions, based on the way I see it, and based on my personal experience and the undocumented experience of hundreds of my friends in recovery. None of my ideas or concepts, however, are new or original to me, and most may be found in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous. The book is dated as to its discussion, but only because the tools for clinical assessment of its principles have only recently become available. ...and forgive me that I have written such a long essay in response to your post. I only did so with the idea that your clinical background might give you a deeper comprehension of things. Knowledge with understanding, right? With kindest regards, Jim Post edited by: JR1, at: 02/05/2008 06:46 James A Rist
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dreamrogue
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Thank you Jim and Carmen for your kind and insightful replies and support. First, yes I am alcohol-free and intend to stay that way. It wouldn't be wise to experience what I did and not appreciate sobriety on a whole new level. Second, I really tried to incorporate my experience into your description and at first I thought it would work, somehow, until you said the schizophrenia may happen after you've run the gamut of emotions, fear, anger, resentment, remorse. I also did not feel broken or at the mercy of anything but the awesome revelations of the universe, instead I felt smarter than ever, funnier than ever, and more intensely able to share love and other feelings. I experienced six months of abstinent hallucinations, feeling very powerful in their boundaries along the edges of reality, and then when the hallucinations stopped and I felt pushed out of my unconconscious mind, I began coping with intense remorse, doubt, and mixed feelings of anger, resentment and fear, all of which came and went. I believe maybe my willingness to deal with my emotions as they were presented may have been cause for their mixing rather than coming in stages, because I was not being blocked by any one of them. More and more I'm looking into MEPF, which is a suggestion that there may be a need for the diagnosis of Mystical Experiences with Psychotic Features. I found it on the Spiritual Competency Resource Center at internetguides.com. I just want to be sure I'm not disregarding anything that's already been established for alcoholism and staying in denial, because that would lead me in the wrong direction. Again, thank you for the warm welcome.
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JR1
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Dear dreamrogue, Your last post strikes a familiar chord: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_Leary I always encourage my friends in recovery to beware of sidetrips. Maybe I should offer YOU the same encouragement! Respectfully, Jim James A Rist
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dreamrogue
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That was a very general chord I struck, because while my research into what I consider a possible mystical experience does support the idea that there is some beautiful reason why many of us have beautiful revelations which others of us may push away or dismiss in the throes of addiction, I never said I condone taking ethnogenics to experience that state of mind. For anyone interested in that research, a good start is to visit www.internetguides.com/se/dxtx/diagnosticcriteria-
mystical.html, which relates to a proposed diagnosis for the DSM. On the other hand, if you're interested in the diagnosis of alcohol-related psychosis, visit www.emedicine.com/med/topic3113.htm. I believe there may be a good deal we can learn from what the human soul has to say about our addictions, provided that we chose to learn and grow from our experience. Post edited by: dreamrogue, at: 02/17/2008 18:48 |
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DasVader
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Hello dreamrogue, My craving was the same i never felt like i had an alcoholics craving but once i take that first drink i cant seem to stop. before i know it im tossed up and drinking till i black out. looking back i realize when other would drink a few i was drinking many. i drank like it was water and id be done with 6 beers by the time most had drank 2. i'd stop for a few days thinking i was in control then when i had a drink, like always i just would keep going and going. alot of the times saddly when i was drunk i was a mean drunk. It also got to the point i'd drink to take the edge off, when i was down, or if i got bored, when i was uptight to loosen up, and when i happy to cellibrate my good mood. Then over time i didn't realize how i became dependant on it and a part of my mested up life style and routine. It's nice to finally have opened my eyes to what i was so blind to before. sorry im rabling on. Welcome and good luck with your journey. this is great site with lots of well versed and helpful people and tons of useful information. sorry i'm not very helpful, just like to ramble. |
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