Was he ever my friend?

That night he told me "from now on everything's going to be different." And it was. For the next year he kept coming to my apt. even though he had his own--stayed the night on my couch. It was a totally platonic friendship but I thought he was showing interest in me by spending so much time with me and after the long time neglect from my former husband, my heart soared. But as time wore on he didn't make any moves--seemed less attentive if anything, and so I finally told him our first Christmas together that I loved him. He acted surprised then and told me it would never be. But by this time I was so used to his company and loving not having to be alone (which I had never been in my life) I didnt ask him to stop coming to my apt--which I should have. But also by then he was starting to be sick, and I knew he needed to not be living alone. So for two more years he stayed with me while he became jaundiced, bruised easily, slept a lot, often became disorientated--we went through several hospital stays where I visited him every day. Turned out he had alcohol induced Hep C, and over those next two years he almost died more than once, and would have if not for me. When he couldn't work any more I supported him, and when I bought my condo and moved, he went with me, giving up his own little place he could no longer pay rent for. Then came the horrible morning I came downstairs and found him in convulsions on the couch. I called 911--turns out he was in a coma from too much amonia in his system. They put him in ICU for two days and got his system flushed out. Then put him on a low protein diet. This, in addition to the meds he was already on, and the fact he had quit drinking and smoking cold turkey--he made a huge turn and started rapidly getting better. He went back to work, started being in shows again, started being home very rarely. I was sad about this because by this time I almost felt married to this man. I drove him where he needed to go, helped him with his financial problems, even treated him to stuff I knew he wanted but couldn't (being out of work) afford, took him to his doctor appts, to get his meds, everything. I felt we were really good friends, even if (by this time) it was clear we'd never be anything more. Anyway, he seemed almost to be avoiding my company...and then the first woman who came along who looked at him twice, he reciprocated with her--and long story short, the closer he got to her, the harder and crueler he became with me. Once upon a time this was a gentle and kind, soft spoken man, a trusted friend. Then all of a sudden he was talking to me with contempt in his voice, he'd say things knowing I had feelings for him and saying them deliberately so they'd hurt, about what he and this new girlfriend were doing together. It was like he got healthy and became this cruel heartless person, not at all like who he was before.

Its been two years since he moved out, and for two years he hasn't smiled at me or spoken a word to me. he lives with her now, and has to work a second job at a restaurant I like to go to. So I still see him unfortunately. But he treats me like I'm a complete stranger, like I never existed--like I mean absolutely nothing to him, and it hurts like hell because I gave this man the best of my heart, never felt so much love for anyone before. I thought he was going to die so for two years I showered him with the best I could, tried to make his holidays happy, tried to make his life full and as comfortable as I could. And then he got better and now it seems he hates me. Of all his friends I was the only one who stood by him through the hell of Hep c and the pnumonia he developed and all the hospital stays and cleaning up after him. I was there every day at the hospital, running errands for him, holding his hand, playing Battleship at his bedside and bringing my portable DVD player so he could watch movies. And all those friends who weren't there for him--he's still good pals with them. But not me. To him I'm absolutely nothing. I could die tomorrow and he wouldn't care.

I'm wondering...is there any remnant of the kind man he was in this person he is now? Or was that just the person the alcohol made him to be and now I'm seeing the real person? Could it be he was my friend and just needs time to get over the fact I saw him at his very worst--is that all this is--a bruised male ego thing? I can't believe I could have this friendship for three years, confide in him about everything, live in such close proximity to him that I got to know all his moods, sense when he was in trouble--like we had this connection between us even...and that he could so turn his back and utterly shun me like this. His friends tell me he's "moved on" but he has made me feel like nothing but garbage he used up and threw away. And maybe that's all it was about--using me. But I did see in this man a kindness...and I still believe there is this gentle spirit buried in his heart. I guess I'm wondering...is there any hope I will ever see him again sober--the kinder man he used to be capable of being when he drank?

What, from your view, is a friend?

Thanks again.

He had no feelings for you - he told you so. Sometimes we fall in love with the idea of being in love and it is not reality at all. Especially if we don't want to be alone.

The good part of this, is that it certianly helps you figure out what you don't want. And, even better, the dead weight that he was is gone, so you are open to finding someone that really appreciates and can actually love you.

I dont know. The way I see it...now that he's not drinking anymore, perhaps he will start growing as a human being. I dont know. But it's so weird that anyone can throw away someone like that--use them and throw them away. I have a friend who drinks--a lady friend--who is a recovering alcoholic. She says alcoholics tend to be selfish people. So maybe that's it. Maybe he was just very selfish and didn't care what his choices did to me.

Anyway, thanks for being honest.