Alcoholism Support Group

I would like to know if it is common for other addictions to surface when one tends to be a drinker? I have to say this is embarrassing for me to even bring up but I'm afraid I'll end up in a divorced situation. First my mother was an alcholic she was a bing drinker. I would have never thought I would have these feelings about my husband. Last night he drank, all night the parts that really bother me is when my daughter (his step daughter) gives him a hug good night that is all she smells. She makes comments like "OH We're out of the salior Jerry's what will he do" in a joking way. SHE'S 9 YEARS OLD!!! We went to bed he stayed up drinking, sat in the hottub, says he went to bed about midnight. There was a beer can in the bathroom. So he's been drinking whiskey and then follows up with a few beers. He is CONTANTLY making sexual comments to me. We've had discussions in the past where he has said if he's not with me everyday then that would be grounds for a divorce. Things got a bit better but now it's starting all over again. He tried this morning and I'm to the point I don't want him touching me. He was all drunk last night trying and it's a turn off. So he'll get frustrated and then he's crabby with us at home. It's a circle that I have to stop. Anymore he doesn't even seem to notice me it's just going thru the motions. It makes me sick to even think about it anymore. I have alot of guilt, I feel sorry for him, of course he says he loves me and my daughter.

Honey, just tell him, when he is sober. That you don't like it when he drinks...plain and simple...and don't let him pull the old pouting for sex thing either...you don't have to have sex unless YOU feel like it...just my opinion....

Thanks, it's not even pouting he gets P'd. We will argue over nothing and I know what his anger is from frustration like he has no self control. He takes it out on my daughter too.

Ooooh...now that is not good...that anger is a problem. And him taking out on your daughter is bad. Your mothering instinct is to protect your young...listen to it, and don't tolerate it even a little bit. It is hard to know when you are being abused. Unless, you get an outside opinion. I don't know you well, but, from what I am reading here sounds to me like you are in an abusive relationship.

That is the part I am stuggling with. I'm to a point I don't even feel love for him. Do I really want to talk to someone and work on it. I started seeing someone and told him and said if your intrested in going let me know. He went twice and then it was "Well it's hard with my schedule." Blah Blah Blah.

Dear Ldynwting,

Some experts and many recovering addicts/alcoholics (I am one) suggest that a need for self-gratification is at the root of addiction. ...that need for self gratification extends to almost any pleasurable activity.

That need, if true, is a personality trait that probably exists long before the addiction begins. It is one of many self-centered personality traits which become more pronounced, even dominant, with the active use of drugs and alcohol.

What are some symptoms of the addictive nature?

Need to control of people, places, events.

Grandiose behavior.

Reckless choices.

Secretive behavior.

Defensive posturing (anger, criticism, blame.

Making endless excuses to drink/drug.

There are more, and they are instinctively easy to recognize, aren't they? ...and all extremely self-centered!

I was like your husband. No one could FIX me! When I got sick and tired of ME--sick and tired of the pain of BEING me--then I got willing to change!

That's what it took--my willingness to live differently--to live without booze and drugs.

I still have the same personality, but it is not much of a problem, because I'm sober. In sobriety I learned how to spot my personality flaws and what to do to manage and overcome them.

Thanks for being a part of my recovery!

Respectfully,

Jim

Hi Jim thanks for sharing, you say you were like my husband. I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to approach him. I'll probably wait until next weekend when my daughter is with her dad. The problem for me is we've been through this, I've talked to him about how the drinking makes me feel, his demands for sex, how he treats her at times. Things were ok for a bit and now it's all happening again. I don't know that I even want this relationship anymore and I fell guilty about it. If we do try again how do I overcome my anger, and hurt?

Dear Ldynwting,

I'm probably not a good one to answer your question "how to approach", because I was the problem.

Why don't you hang on with that question, and maybe someone (another MDJ member) in your position will volunteer some direction for you.

There is a book called Alcoholics Anonymous which has been the standard for recovery for seventy years.

Having the book around the house and reading it yourself may give you both something to start with.

Okay?

Regards,

Jim

Post edited by: JR1, at: 03/13/2008 16:48

Dear ldyinwtng, Jim had a good suggestion about the book. Having it around and leaving it out in the open.

It takes someone with the will to change to stop drinking and being mean. They have to want to do it. Otherwise, it will never work. So you will have to assess your own situation and decide if you want to invest any more of your life like you are living. Is is liveable, and I mean live, not just exist. There is a difference, living is when you are alive and thriving in your environment. Existing is when you just survive but there is no growth or joy in life. That is your choice. You can't change someone else, you only have control over your own life. Tolerating his behavior is existing in a bad situation. I hope this helps you. Please let me know how you are doing....

I just wanted to say one of the best books is called Under The Influence by dr james milam and katherine ketcham.

My partner is an alcoholic as was his dad,he recently stopped for over a year.He says he couldnt have done it without me as i met his when he was going through a marraige break up and his drinking was at its worst.I helped him get off it and stay off it but 2 weeks ago he decided he can drink once a week on a sat and after lots of arguments about him working all week and needing to chill i gave in.So far its ok but i know its only a matter of time before his drinking increases and he has to go through the withdrawl all over again .

As far as having other addictions too its definatly true people have an addictive nature,We think it may be to do with him having tourette syndrome but he also suffers from binge eating and bulimia it just seems like he does everything in excess and doesnt know what moderation is.

He is such a lovely man though and is not nasty or abusive.Its just a shame he has all these daily battles with food and drink.