Alcoholism Support Group

Hi, I'm new here.

I've been meaning to join this group, and my moment of truth (the "I need help" part) was this morning when I realized that I drank the vanilla extract last night (it's the homemade kind, where you pour vodka into a bottle with vanilla beans.) I was wondering why I felt so crappy this morning when all I had was a bottle of wine last night (a 750ml, usually if I set out to get drunk I drink a 1.5). Then, making breakfast this morning I opened the cabinet to see that I had no more vanilla extract. Oh yeah, because I drank it last night. I forgot.

Well that's just great.

So, I guess I'm finally ready to admit I have a problem. I'm having a hard time thinking of who I can talk to about this, I guess that's why I'm starting out here where I know there are people who might be able to relate. I live a pretty charmed life, married to my high school sweetheart (we have a good marriage, too), two little girls I stay home with. I drink mostly, I think, because of my anxiety. Half of my family has severe depression, the other half (myself included) suffers from anxiety. Like, can't sleep at night, chest pounding, hyperventilating anxiety.

Except when I drink wine in the evenings, then I go to bed with no bad thoughts. But it's been years now of heavy drinking in the evenings and I'm growing very concerned for my health. It started when I was in college, and I thought it was okay because you're "supposed to" drink and party at that age. Except most of my friends stopped partying and grew up. Me, well I still like to "party" in the evenings. It's my way of taking off the coat of anxiety and relaxing. My nights feel boring if I don't drink, plus there's the anxiety.

I didn't drink during my pregnancies, and swore I would not revert to my old ways after giving birth, but eventually I ended up at the same place: a 1.5l of wine most nights. Now I'm scared that soon my little ones won't have a mother, all because I had to hit the bottle every night.

I'm pretty well behaved these days, I drink only in the evenings from about 7pm to 11pm when my husband is home and the girls are in bed. But in the past I've hidden alcohol in the house, bought it in secret, and--oh yeah--I drank VANILLA EXTRACT last night. Because the 750 bottle was apparently not enough.

I'm nervous to go to AA and not sure if I should before I've stopped the drinking. I keep telling myself I'm going to "taper off" because I'm scared of withdrawal (which I went through once a few years ago and it was horrible), and when I try I do okay-- one beer a night for a few nights in a row, then half for a couple nights, then a sip, then nothing. But eventually, I decide that I don't have a problem after all and "treat myself" to a bottle of wine, swearing I won't drink the next week at all. I always do. The very next night I always do.

Basically, I don't know where to go from here. I'm ashamed of myself. My husband is so sweet, I know he knows I have a problem but he won't mention it because he doesn't want to upset me. Part of me wishes he would so that I'd know he cares. But I know him, he does care, he just doesn't know what to do with this. He'll drink every once in a while. How can he have just a beer and stop, perfectly content, while for me it's SO hard to stop?

I even drank the vanilla extract.

Thanks for listening/reading. And for any words of advice or support. I'm worried about my health (the anxiety doesn't help) and I KNOW I need to stop this behavior. I'm just not sure which foot to place first.

You do get creative! I've not done vanilla extract with something else, but I have drunk vodka (leaves me breathless) and grapefruit juice, and then been hypocritical enough to go to my AA meeting and put on the act of being sober as a judge.

The First Step is the hardest one, to admit that the darn stuff had a hold of my life, and it was guiding me down pathways that were going nowhere. When I'm like that, I'm like the song Paul Simon sings, "like a rat in a maze, the path before me lies, and the pattern never alters until the rat dies."

When I gave myself 90 meetings in 90 days, that's when the dead-ends seemed to open up into new possibilities. It wasn't until I was in jail, behind bars, in the "rubber room," in hand and leg cuffs, that the light came on in my empty attic!

But nobody, but nobody can tell you what is right for you. And nobody can tell you just how you will encounter your higher power (whether it will be a wise man with a beard or Mother Nature...for me, God is bi...and I'm bipolar, so maybe that's just how I look at this thing, from both sides now.

Essential, for me, has been seeking support. The mental health system here abandoned me, and if it were not for AA, I would not be typing this to you. But some people can do it alone, and my way is not at all necessarily your way!

I would encourage you to find a sponsor, and since you are female, my suggestion is to find a sponsor of the same sex, and whom you respect. I made a few boo-boo's in choosing sponsors, doctors and therapists...but my higher power seems to be working for me now in that I have a great doctor, am finally on the right medicines, have a DBSA and AA support group system.

But, believe me, it has been wisdom for the pain. And waking up with the devil in your head and headache is not even a little fun - and it does not seem to make all the fun I had when drunk the night before any more fun.

Vanilla in coffee might work!

Hi,

Welcome to the group and thanks for sharing your story. I remember doing the same thing and feeling exactly as you describe. It took me a few more years of attempts at sobriety to finally realize I cannot drink, ever, and need help to remin sober, AND life is much better without alcohol.

I had to finally go to a 30 day inpatient rehab in order to "reset".

My little boys are now young teens, and they have an involved and sober dad. I attend AA a few times per week, have new friends, and work the steps. For me it's was more than being able to stop drinking, but how to handle life (anxiety, depression etc) in a more effective way. It's wonderful!

AA is scary at first

Hi...welcome to the group. You have made the first step to getting sober. You know you have a problem and it sounds like you want to do something about it. I highly suggest that you go to AA meetings,get a sponser,and read the Big Book. Boredome was a problem for me too. The first 165 pages of the Big Book give guidelines to living sober. I never thought I could be happy without alcohol. I drank for 35 years of my 6 years, I had 5 yers sober once and relapsed....then drank for 13 years more till I had a alcohol induced cardiomyapathy(weak heart). I now have a pace maker that keeps me alive. Yes...alcohol wil ruin your health and kill you.

Sounds like you took the first step already "admit powerless over alcahol, and your life has become unmanageable."First if you are going through any kind of withdrawl from alcahol, you need to keep yourself in a safe spot. I remember hiding vanilla in my room thinking nobody would find it, "wrong"I drank mouth wash and again thought nobody would figure out why and what I was doing, "wrong." I did the same thing and tried to cut back on my own, that did not work either. I began to have seizures, panic/anxiety attacks, I became totally out of control. I finally hit bottom when I called a friend and began babling etc.. she got worried and called the rescue squad. I was brought into the ER and they found my heart was skipping a beat, I went into rehab from there. I managed to have one second of clarity, "I am to young to die especially this way."

This is just a suggestion call the AA local office and find a meeting near your house. You do not have to talk, just listen. Ask the secretary for a, "Who Me" and take the test. Talk to the secretary and let him or her know your new and that you might be looking for a sponsor, or get up and introduce yourself and tell people this is your first meeting and hopefully there will be some woman in the group that will introduce themselves to you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If you do nothing else go to a few meetings and just listen. If you do not get anthing from the lead listen to the comments. I'll keep you in my preys."

I highly recomend that you go to some Open Talks. I went to a lot of them when I first started AA. They were very helpful. You will meet someone...just introduce yourself. We AA's stick together like glue.

I remember the moment that i found myself barefoot, standing in front of the kitchen spice rack looking at the bottle of vanilla. I didn't drink it because the concept of "drinking vanilla extract" was just too obvious. I couldn't pretend I was ok if I drank vanilla extract. That is the truth though. I am not okay.

This is the first time I have tried to admit that to others. I am contemplating AA but have never been and am scared and don't know where I am going to find the time to fit it in to my schedule.

If you are thinking about taking the first step I encourage you wholeheartedly. I know that it is the right thing for you to do even if I am too scared to do it yet myself.

Wow, I always found the time to drink which was usually for several hours and days and weeks ad infinitum. Then I heard someone say in an AA meeting that it only takes one hour to attend an AA meeting. Profound for me.

Kelti.......

I know what you mean...one hour a week! No way I finally got it that I would spend hours and even weeks drinking 24/7.

It never occured to me to drink vanilla extract! Guess I was too drunk to think that one up. This is the first I ever heard of it. Now, That's funny!!

Kelti.......