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03/31/2012 06:13 AM

married to alcholic

blueyes664
blueyes664  
Posts: 19
Member

It is hard to say those words...and harder yet to describe exactly what being an alcholic is??? My husband works hard, every other week 6 days a week. I do understand he needs time to relax..we all do. However, it seems more and more his life (our life) is revolving around his drinking. He drinks every nite. He starts at 8 pm, one beer every half hour until 10. SO that is four beers a nite. If it is his off nite, meaning no work the next day, it can be 12 beers or more. On these nites also, he will not think of eating as it effects the "buzz". He is not open to going places that has no alcohol. If we travel to see friends, he MUST take a cooler with beer. He does not drink heavy liquor, except for Christmas time. However I do not think that really matters. The nites he does not have to be at work the next day, he usually drinks until he passes out. He will then stagger to the bathroom and put himself to bed.

He does get abusive, but he does get short with me if we are holding a conversation. I have learned these are not the times to have any "real" talks. I can not address any of this with him, as when I do accuses me of not wanting him to have a good time.

I am wife #2. I am wondering if this is the reason the first one moved on. He can be a wonderful person, but my life does not revolve around drinking.

THe day after his "binges" he is useless. Our home is in need of major work and I don't see that happening. I don't want to start paying people to do the work he can do.

I am feeling alone and frustrated...any thoughts or "advice" is welcome.

I have not posted here for awhile. I was trying to handle things on my own...but finding that harder and harder.

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03/31/2012 11:15 AM
Bangbang
Bangbang  
Posts: 7140
Group Leader

I suggest that you find an Alonon meeting to go to. They can help you deal with your husband and your feelings. It makes me sad that you are going through this. I put my wife through hell for many years when I was drinking. You are doing right by avloiding talks with him when he is drinking. Have you talked with him about this when he is sober?

03/31/2012 02:31 PM
blueyes664
blueyes664  
Posts: 19
Member

Thanks for the response Bangbang..and I love the pic on your profile. I have tried many times to hold the discussion in regards to my concerns with his drinking. He does not seem to think he has a problem, and remarks that I am overreacting, as he thinks is my way of handling most things. It has been suggested for me to attend a local meeting, but how do I manage that without telling him where I am going?? I do not want to put any more distance between us then we already have. I guess the question I pose to myself..is this a drinking problem?? or am I over reacting??

03/31/2012 06:00 PM
clemaire
clemaire  
Posts: 883
Senior Member

Hi Blueyes664. I understand where your coming from. My boyfriend whom I love so much has admitted he is an alcoholic. He has embarrassed me many times by getting so drunk he can barely stand. He also becomes a real asshole. Tuesday was the last straw. He got so drunk that day and it was the first time he became somewhat violent. He didn't hit me or anything. He just took it out on the house by punching things, yelling, and screaming. He tried to hide what he had gotten into. Whenever I said we could talk about it tomorrow he just got in my face more. It is real emotional abuse he has put me through and I'm very much affected by it. He wouldn't leave so I had to call the police to get him to. I felt really bad about it but it's what I had to do. Not sure what to do now. He is still out. It feels weird to be alone but I know it's for the best right now.

celaire


04/01/2012 06:24 AM
blueyes664
blueyes664  
Posts: 19
Member

Hey there clemaire - thanks for responding. Your situation is one I can relate to from my frist marriage, which is why sadly it ended after 26 years. The abuse continued even when he wasn't drinking, there was no physical abuse. That may have made it easier to make a decision much sooner. It was all emotional, which sometimes is so much harder. It is difficult for others to understand what we are going through because there are no outward signs.

My current husband does not really become abusive, but argumentive. He does not embarass me in public really. We do not go out that much, he is happier to drink at home. It is easier because he can drink as much as he wants without any one knowing. He was off this weekend and went through 2 cases of beer. To me this seems like a problem, is it?? He stays in his office all night until he can't anymore then staggers to bed. So for all intentional purposes I am alone. He is distant and does not offer any input to help solve issues around the house or anything. Yet he does not see this.

I am really unsure what to do. He talks of retiring, which really scares me, as I worry then he will drink every nite to this level. I know I can stay if that becomes the case.

It is very sad, since when we met he was so wonderful I am perplexed at how it came to this level. Or was it like this and I chose not to see it?? Of course based on my previous marriage, I do wonder if it is something I did.

Keep me posted on your situation...I am sorry you are going through this. But truly you made the right choice. You have to let him know you are not going to permit that action.

Take care.


04/01/2012 10:12 AM
Bangbang
Bangbang  
Posts: 7140
Group Leader

Its hard living with an alcoholic....just ask my wife.LOL I did all the things mentioned above. I had to make a decision in the end of my drinking career. Die or drink. It was acually a hard decision to make because at the time I did not care. I finally decided I want ewd to see my grandkids grow up nd so I stopped. Been sober now and happy for 5 1/2 years.

04/01/2012 10:20 AM
blueyes664
blueyes664  
Posts: 19
Member

I am happy to hear you made the right choice. I know how difficult those things are. I have a son who is a recovering pot smoker..and it is a daily thought process. I also have a daughther who is a previous cutter. Again..a conscious decision not to do those things. Both of my kids have these issues based on my previous marriage. Is this reason for my current husband to drink?? Doubt it...he choses not to get involved if an issue arises, he knew about it going into our relationship. There have not been any issues with my children in several years.

I truly believe his drinking escalated when his retirement date came and went. That all stemmed from his agreement with his ex. So..she is the one forcing him to continue working, not me. However, when the topic comes up...it is my fault he can't. Not sure how that is..but it is..

Thanks again guys for the support. Nice to know I am not alone.


04/01/2012 08:54 PM
clemaire
clemaire  
Posts: 883
Senior Member

My daughter (adult) has had issues too like you mentioned. It's so apparent that my boyfriend chooses these emotional times to get really messed up. When I speak about him embarrassing me, it's always a time when his good behavior is needed. Like meeting my friends for the first time, having Thanksgiving dinner with my parents and me, and anytime I may need his assistance say for a medical issue like what happened on Tuesday.

He has admitted everything. As usual, "I was a shithead, I lost your trust, I'll stop it, yadayada". He has a choice this time because I gave him an ultimatum. Get help or get lost. I really hope he can get help. I know I may be kidding myself but....


04/02/2012 02:43 AM
blueyes664
blueyes664  
Posts: 19
Member

I know it is difficult..and sometimes for me anyhow, I start to doubt my decisions. Regardless of his choice your children have to come first. I don't know how bad your daughter's issues are, my daugther was pretty bad for awhile. She was hospitalized 4 times for depression. She is 25 now, but I know it is a daily struggle for her. She has to make a conscious choice not to cut, as with my son and the pot. Our guys have to chose that road too. Right now mine is in denial that he has an issue, it is me, and I am over reacting. Every one needs time to destress he says. THis is true, but I am not sure alcohol is the way. I do know his mom drank herself to death when his dad left them. It seems all the new medicine out there has alcholism as heredity.

We had an emergency here yesterday with his son's dog, very serious. These are the times he just detaches himself, drinking or not.I struggle through them alone.

I find my thoughts going more and more to...if I have to do this alone...then I should go back to being that way.

I will keep you in my thoughts. Feel free to write me at any time and update or vent.

Have a good Monday.

Beth


04/03/2012 09:04 AM
clemaire
clemaire  
Posts: 883
Senior Member

My daughter is almost 20 years old and she tried to commit suicide for the second time on Feb. 3rd. My boyfriend kept telling me how much he was there for me emotionally and physically. But of course he got wasted just as he has done twice with the back procedures I'm going through. It's been really hard these past few days. My daughter wrecked her car and I am off work for my back right now so she is using mine to come and go to work. So I've been just sitting in my apartment alone with no car for a week since I kicked my boyfriend out. His latest update is that his work buddy he is staying with has to do 3 AA classes due to a dui so my boyfriend is going to go with him. He says its not much, but a start. I just don't know. Thanks Beth.

clemaire

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