Alcoholism Support Group

Selfishness - self centeredness!That,we think,is the root of our troubles.Driven by a hundred forms of fear,self-delusion,self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.

Sometimes they hurt us , seemly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. These arise out of our selves, and the alcoholic is

an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usuaully doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. (Or - Your Higher Power) . And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.

Taken from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous - -

titled 'Alcoholics Anonymous.'

page 62 - seventh printing - 2006.

I had a prime example of the selfishness my husband exhibits when he is drinking over the weekend. We both work many hours during the week. My job, as manager of a vet clinic, has me covering many shifts as well. Saturday nites are the only nites we are always home together.

Most Saturday nites he will not have dinner as it interferes with his drinking "high". He is a beer drinker, on Saturdays he can have as many as 12-14 beers. On rare occasions it can be more.

This weekend past we were having a conversation about diffrent things we like to eat on Friday nite. After working Saturday morning and then going to take care of my mom in the afternoon, I arrived home around 4, he had already started drinking.This is the norm. I asked him if he was going to eat...he said..well since we were talking about subs and fries last nite...I stopped at lunch time and had me some!! Ahhh well what about me??? We couldn't have dinner together?? He said he is programmed to eat his dinner around 4..has been that way for years...he was not going to change. He is not obsessed with food, he has not gained any weight over the years...can I say the same about myself?? Obsessed with food I said..this is dinner I am talking about...and no I can't really say the same for me and weight..but 10 lbs is not alot. Of course he wont' change....because that would interfere with his drinking. I was disappointed that he had done that without calling..at least asking if I wanted something for later since he knew my schedule for the day would not allow much time to actually eat. But then why should I be disappointed...this is the way it goes.

We had plans for Friday nite to go out, basket bingo. He was to be off on Sat, because we can not do anything on Friday if he is working Sat. But I am scheduled to work both Sat and Sund yet still go out Friday. I am in the middle of a 10 day run here. The event though was non alcoholic...red flag to me. He wouldn't go I knew, after buying tickets but not thinking to ask. He texted me earlier in the day Friday, stating he was now working Sat. So he would not be able to go to the event. I, of course, could still attend. This was his way out so he could drink. (during the work week he limits himself to 4 a nite, but never a nite without...NEVER)

He is beginning not to remember conversations we have on Saturday I am sure due to the amount he drinks that nite. Our conversation on Sat got a little heated as I am tired of Sat's being the same...he is locked to his computer, no dinner, no interaction with me and drinks until he can hardly stand up. He likes to collect coins, so spends ALL of his free time on the computer.

I am feeling lonely and rejected. I have returned to therapy (my first marriage ended after 25 years of abuse) I work long hours, and mostly 6 day a week. So when I am off, I would like to spend it with him. We have discussed this many times...but he says as long as we are in the same house...it doesn't have to be right next to each other...hmmmmmmm.

Anyway..to me... all of this behaviour is selfish...I am lost...he-to me-is a functioning alcoholic. Only interested in the type of life that will allow him to drink. Maybe that is why his first wife left as well...???? Just saying.....

Most people who drink like this think they have to put alcohol before anything or anybody. It seems to be what they live for. I am sorry his selfishness within your relationship is taking such a toll on you. I suggest maybe talking to him again about this - when he is sober - even if it takes him a few talks to get thru to him. Maybe writing down your disappointments and sharing them with him will help them to soak in seeing it in print. I don't know. When I was drinking I was the same way, me, me, me. Go on and go to the places you wish to go to; take care of your self first. Have you tried AlAnon. They have a LOT to say about Detaching from the drinker and they are right.

Thanks for the response...my therapist says just about the same thing. She suggests Alanon as well. I am just not sure how to do that without him knowing, as he is in total denial over there being a drinking problem and I am trying to avoid the arguement stages. Had enough of that with my first marriage and an abusive husband. A part of me wonders how did I miss this...but I am sure he did a good job of hiding the depth early on.

Thanks for the support

Just be honest with him. He may go off on you but let him blow and go to AlAnon any way. He may be so self consumed at this point he may not even care where you go just so long as you don't interupt his drinking time and computer time. And you can stop and get a bite to eat on the way to your AlAnon meeting. I am a very busy person too and don't have much time to cook and clean up the kitchen. I have let go of the guilt I used to have about that. I live with my 33yr old son and my husband. I have decided that on the 3 nites I am gone to AA and the 1 night I go to Toast Masters they can help each other find the stove. If they don't we can eat take out or soup and salad etc when I get home.My husband insists on eating at 5 pm. He will have to feed himself as I cannot oblige him at that hour. Take care of yourself first.