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03/25/2011 07:34 PM

alcoholic daughter

iwiham1027
iwiham1027  
Posts: 941
Member

I am the Mother of an alcoholic daughter who is crying to me for help. She has a daughter of her own and is trying to make her life better but cannot find a decent job and wants to move back in with me. I am ill and would love to have her here but there are a lot of draw backs as my health could take a turn for the worse.

I cannot babysit my Grand daughter because of it but would love for my daughter to be able to put her life back on track to attend a rehab like she wants to and have some kind of structure back in her life. Father of my Grand daughter recently moved in with a girlfriend who is a teacher and now because he has done that he is also a drug addict, feels he can provide a

more structured living enviroment for his child because of the girlfriend who also has 4 kids of her own. Prior to this he wanted nothing to do with his daughter always dumping her off with his Mother on his visits and now is threaghting to take custody of his daughter because he now has someone else to fall back on again. My daughter would love to move back in as feels she is loosing total control and wants to go to rehab and get her life in order. We have another son who just got out of prison who we are helping and he also wants to move back in but is a huge help to us but has restrictions about who he can be around this is a terrible delemia for me and I am heart broken about the whole situation. Can anyone give me ideas or suggestion that would help.

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03/25/2011 10:10 PM
debhurts
debhurts  
Posts: 1918
Senior Member

HI if she could go to detox who could watch her child? You certainly are too sick for a baby, but if it's an older child then that's a little different, it is a very difficult to be a mom in this situation, you can only do what you can do, she can stop drinking on her own and go to meeting, AA meetings, that's how i had to do it i had 3 small children, mom we cant save our adult children, you can support her tell her to go to AA and get help, but i know you are very sick , and this isn't helping you, it is a form of tough love right now, now if her child is older mabey you all could pull off rehab and watch the child, but i have a feeling the child is small, so you can give her this info. and if she is willing to get sober then she will go to AA meetings and get it together, but as moms we cannot get our children clean and sober, all we can do is try to direct them, and always let them know you love them, she really knows how ill you are and that is selfish of her to try to invade your home, you have enough on your plate, so be strong tell her to go to AA and get counseling and you will see how serious she is, that is all you can do, AA is able to take a willing person in their arms so to speak, is this the first time wanting to be sober or a few attempts at it? If you need me you can pm me as we have already taaked about other things, much love to you dear, take care and it will work if she works it, love Debi angel hugs for friend

03/26/2011 11:11 AM
Kelti
Kelti  
Posts: 4182
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

I am 60 yrs old and sick myself with a number of health conditions plus I have bipolar I disorder. I know my limits and what I am able to comfortably do has to come first in all situations. I see it like this, if I cannot take care of myself in a situation then I don't have any business getting involved in it. Also I have just learned how to say NO. NO, I don't think that is something I care to get involved in - - No I don't think I want to do that or get that started, etc. Sorry I have other things to worry over, my plate is all ready full. No thanks, whatever works.

03/28/2011 03:37 PM
iwiham1027
iwiham1027  
Posts: 941
Member

Hi everyone with much deliberation, help from all of you family discussions, and the upcoming DWI charge that daughter has it has been decided that it is NOT a good idea to allow her to move in given the fact she has severe problems that need to be dealt with for her own good and the good of everyone else. It pains me severely as I love her very much but she has lied, stolen, and done many other things and without recovery of any kind it would be foolish to allow this to happen. I cannot go through this again it would actually kill me. I feel horrible that she is in this spot however she did this to herself, she is also and adult with a child of her own and needs to take responsibilty for her own actions. I cannot fix this for her she has to fix it all on her own I will always love her, praise her accomplishments, be there to listen to her,

but will no longer tolerate her outbursts, rages, and guilt trips so she can get her own way. I know this sounds harsh but it is what I must do maybe she will get it. I do not know I do know she is sick and needs help. Help she must get on her own, help I cannot give her I can only stand by her if she decides to get it. Thank you all for

you advice it was very helpful.


03/28/2011 04:41 PM
odiecom
odiecomPosts: 207
Member

hi and welcome to the group. it sounds like you did your homework on this situation.

it is difficult to let your children take care of THEIR responsibilities. in your situation, i think you did what is best. many times when there is a comfort zone provided, the addict/ alkie will take advantage and most generally makes the issue worse.

the best you can do right now is keep the faith and suggest aa. you cant live her life when you have your own limitations.

its nothing to be sorry for ... its doing what YOU have to do.

i hope she gets to a meeting and finds the support she needs.

odiecom


03/29/2011 06:27 PM
iwiham1027
iwiham1027  
Posts: 941
Member

Hi odie, thanks for the kind reply my daughter was court ordered to attend AA and simply says it did not help her, well she has also gone to counseling all her life and it simply did not help her either. I am wondering when she will wake up and decide to help herself to the good things in life instead of the bad? I just get so angry at her for these really stupid decisions she makes then cries to me like I can fix it. I know part of it is my fault because I was a Mom who always fixed it. I told her now it is her turn to fix it as she is now a Mom herself. Now that she is single again she is having a really hard time dealing with it. My husband was over joyed when I told him she was not coming home we have had a really rough time when she was home as a teen and

nothing has changed its like she has never really grown up and got it. All the other kids have seemed to even her younger brother who is 7 years younger he was out on his own at 17 his choice and did very well. I hope she will see the light. Its just so hard not to worry I wish I could just detach I don't know how to do that very well.

Thanks again.


03/30/2011 07:41 AM
Kelti
Kelti  
Posts: 4182
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

AlAnon has a LOT to say about Detachment. Have you been there? Their 'One Day At A Time' book covers it quite well.
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