Alcoholism Support Group

My husband is an alocholic with cirrhosis. Our docs have said he has 10% or less of a functioning liver, yet he continues to drink. He quit for almost 6 mos., almost long enough to get on a liver transplant list, then 2 wks from goal date, he started drinking again. At his last doc appt they did blood work and didnt mention any finding of alcohol so he began to think he could fake his way through. He has been disappearing for several hours late at night the past couple of weeks. Last night he came in at 1:00 am and announced he had been bar hopping and drinking whiskey, which he has not done in over a year (only beer for the past year or more). I do not worry about affairs because of the effects on his body from the cirrhosis. My dad was an alcoholic. But I am a nondrinker for the past 2 years nothing at all, before that very little intake of alcohol. I simply do not understand the addiction, especially when he knows it will kill him if he doesn't stop. Now that he has opened the door to whiskey again I fear the future. We have tried all 3 AA groups in our area. He refuses to go back to any of them, always saying they are singling him out. This is not true I have attended with him at each group. The first group was not a desirable group. The second was full of professionals, upstanding people. The third was at our church, another group of clean cut people, not like the first group we went to. How can you encourage someone to help themself? He will not go to counseling, individually or in group. He walked out of rehab because they told him they couldn't make him stay. He lied all the time to the one counselor we did get him to go to. We have insurance coverage that pays for the counseling and rehab, so it is not a financial issue. I am at a loss. Sorry this is so long. I do not know how to encourage him to seek help and quit killing himself. We have been married over 30 years. Sometimes I think I don't care any more myself. He makes some days such a struggle and stressful. Because of his disease the alcohol makes him angry, loud and sometimes physically abusive.

My husband was an angry drunk too and it is NO fun. With my husband I basically made it my mission to get him help. I bought every book about alcoholics, marriages, etc thinking one would give me "the answer". Looking back I can now say I was addicted to getting him sober no matter what. One good friend of mine kept telling me I needed to go to Alanon but I was so scared I would run into someone I knew, lol, when obviously they would be there for the same reason basically. Anyway, I finally got the courage and went and these meetings helped me get my life back. Everyone there had similar or identical stories and understood what I was going through. It felt good to have support for ME and I always felt stronger when I left. I will also say I was worried everyone would be divorced or be pro-divorce but that wasn't the case thankfully. I highly recommend you give it a try and if you don't like the first group/location try a different one - I went to 3 locations a week because each one was a little different and plus I needed the support and smiles.

I wish you all the luck and most of all strength!! take care

ps....I'm still married to my husband

Thanks for responding. I have attended Alanon several times - both groups available in our area. It is good to have a kind ear to listen. At this point I guess I am looking for the goose with the golden answer and frustration is usually what I feel. I have been told I am doing all the right things, and even been told that I have done things that they didn't think of. I finally figured out that I cannot help him if he doesn't want to help himself. That is the frusterating part. I cannot want it strong enough to ever make him want to be better to himself. This website has been the most helpful support I have found thus far. I used to think no one knew what I was going thru, no one else had the embarrassing life that I was living. Then after finding this website, I figured out I am not alone. It is unfortunately all too common a problem for other families too. So you said your husband WAS an angry drunk. What was the straw that broke the alcohol abuse for him? My hard headed stubborness is probably the reason I am still at home. I have refused to give up on him. His family has deserted him. Lots of our friends have been unable to handle it and have disappeared too. Him mom's giving up on him has been the most hurtful. I allow my husband some concessions due to his illness and the effects it has on his personality due to the toxin buildup in his body. However, I cannot allow those concessions for his family because I feel like their only excuse for deserting him when he is sick is their own weakness and uncaring and lack of compassion. I am very bitter when it comes to his family. We were VERY close for the first 24 years of our marriage. Then it seems they just turned their backs and hearts on us both, including their grandkids. We live 25 miles apart and they have only seen their grandkids and great grandkids twice in the last year. Didn't even show up when the last great grand was born, until a week later. How do you turn your back on your grandkids?! Lots of things I don't understand and will never understand. We have not had a holiday with his family in 8 years. I have not gotten a birthday card from thin in 7 years or a birthday call. Nor have my kids. They used to call us on our b-days and sing happy birthday. Now its nothing. She once told me she and I could be close again ONCE HER SON WAS DEAD. What kind of a mother is that?!?

Post edited by: amdavis1126, at: 10/28/2010 08:10 AM

The best place for a person who is close to an alcoholic is in AlAnon. There you will learn how to take care of yourself first. I am in AA. It would do a person good to go to some Open AA meetings to learn some about how alcoholics stay sober. Ask questions in both groups. Study their literature. Get a sponsor. It is quite easy to fall into the trap, don't like this meeting because--- don't like that meeting because---. Looking for thhe perfect meeting is NOT what meetings are about. Put that kind of thinking out of your head! Nobody ever got better by trying to do it their way. Life experience tells us that. WE CANNOT DO IT ALONE !!!!! We need help from an outside source. We cannot solve the delimma of alcoholism on our own. If that were so there would be no need for the 12 steps or going to meetings on a regular basis.

Step 1. We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God 'as we understood Him'.

Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make admends to them all.

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Step11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with God 'as we understood Him' praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Step 12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps,we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I have found the Alanon meetings helpful. I find this website extremely helpful. I am not the one looking for the PERFECT meeting. That would be my alcoholic husband. He refused to attend any more AA meetings anywhere. If I go alone and I have done that several times as well, it usually starts an argument at home. Not a small argrument and BIG argument. He TRIES to control much of my life, but I do my best not to allow this. I have begged him to go to counseling, marriage counseling, AA, rehab, anything. But he refuses. So no matter how much help I get, he refuses to get any or to even try. I cannot MAKE him WANT to get better. That is my frustration. Between his anger and the Hepatic Encepalopathy from the cirrhosis, I see no hope for him. Last week he started drinking whisky again. He hasn't done that in years. He awoke from a drunken stuper, after having peed on himself while passed out and his first words were "Well I guess I didn't die this time." He is pushing the envelope.