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12/24/2009 06:20 PM

What do I say if they ask if they can drink?

theGreyCattPosts: 275

Hi, I'm usually on the bipolar forum, but I have a pressing problem related to my alcoholism. I've been sober for almost two years, but haven't done AA, so I don't really know the "rules" for how I should live life now.

I don't mind when I'm at parties and everyone is drinking, but my husband asks me a couple times a week if he can drink. Somehow, it seems disrespectful or insensitive for family to drink in our own house, that's where I should be safe. But, I'm not the type of person who will say "no, you can't!" - it's not up to me what others do.

He wants me to tell him if it bothers me, though. It always bothers me to some extent, but it's not like I can tell him to not drink for the rest of his life. So what is my role as a "recovering alcoholic"? Do I just say it's ok to everyone if they drink because I have to deal with it forever anyway?

Thanks so much.


12/25/2009 05:46 AM
Posts: 135

In my house, no one drinks alcohol.I don't care who they are or how they feel.If people don't like it,don't come.

Of course it helps that my hubby is sober too.We won't even let our kids drink booze in our home.


12/25/2009 10:42 AM
Posts: 2695
VIP Member

i also have been battling alcholizem for several years ...but my wife doest have a problem drinkin..she just ..goes out with the girls..from time to time ..but now ive stopped drinkin she also has stopped also..cause she knows how hard it is for me.. she now is the desenated driver when she goes out now...

12/26/2009 12:14 PM
Posts: 2316
VIP Member

Hi, GreyCatt, nice to meet you. In my house there is no alcohol, there are no drugs. It's my safe haven. But my husband is also in AA with me, it's where we met. My children are told that they are not allowed to bring drugs or alcohol into the house also. No friends or family are allowed to bring alcolohol or drugs into my house either. It is just at all times, night or day, my safe haven.

But as I already said, my husband is also in recovery with me. I would say that with your husband, the best bet would be to have a heart to heart talk with him and to say that yes, it does bother you and that it might likely always bother you. But that maybe it wouldn't bother you if he had a glass of wine with dinner or had the guys over to watch a game and they drank a few beers as long as you knew it was coming. Maybe if he was having the guys over, you could go out or something like that.

And you said you've never done AA and I'd like to suggest it. Just because it gives you a foundation upon which to base problems like this. It gives you sober friends to go to to ask questions like this. It gives a place for you to go and a bunch of wonderful, sober people you can call for support. My AA friends are as much my family as my blood relatives are today.

12/28/2009 12:52 AM
Posts: 165

You can always say that alcohol makes you sick. I know that it has done that to me many times and it is not a lie. You can also say that you are taking medications and they do not mix. You just have to think through the answer that you will be prepared to give and follow through with it. The truth is you do not have to drink ever again if you don't want too and that is perfectly ok.

12/28/2009 12:55 AM
Posts: 165

I believe you need to be honest with your husband about your feelings or this could tear you apart. Honesty is the best policy!

12/28/2009 10:10 AM
Posts: 4083
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

When I go to my bf house he will drink, I feel like its my problem why should I tell him he can't have a beer or 2, he knows his limit and rarely gets drunk, I feel the same way at family events, when I 1st stopped they didn't have any alcohol at family events and it made me feel like why should they not drink because of me, its my problem not theirs. So Now they do have some wine but its not like anyone gets drunk.

01/09/2010 10:07 AM
Posts: 15
New Member

As a person new to the sober lifestyle I'll offer my 2 cents. Your home is the one sanctuary you have. It is the ony place where you can be almost totally in control. In every other situation from simple walking past a bar or liqour store to being at a raucous drink party you have to think constantly. Your mind always has to work to make sure you don't give in to the cravings that may be there or are just below the surface.

When you are at home you shouldn't have to deal with that issue. I really would say and make it clear you are asking for help for this not imposing your will. It is important for the person you are talking to to feel that you are asking from within and not just superficially so you will need to be total honest to get the response you want. Playing hard ball may not work.

When your sanctuary is erected then you have one less place to worry about alcohol and you will feel happier there.

Now, the sanctuary is yours. If the SO wants the boys over to watch a game wit some beers then you and he can come to an agreement over it and you could plan to be elsewhere and surround yourself in your mobile sanctuary and avoid the area - go meet friends and do something else. Just work out a plan between you. Make sure he understands it is his responsibility to ensure that all traces of alcohol are removed from empties to glass cleaning.

My 2 cents.

01/09/2010 04:22 PM
rwhitley123Posts: 205

My wife and I are in AA togethr, so I can't use that as an example.

So I'll use cigerettes instead.

I quit smoking 17 years ago and my wife quit 9 years ago, or so I thought.

Last year I found out that she had started again.

When I found out I confronted her and let her know that it bothered me and I didn't want it around.

She is still smoking but out of respect for me she keeps it far from my attention.

That's just fine with me.

I still wish that she would quit again and stay that way, but that's her choice.

It's healthier.

Ray Ray

01/10/2010 07:26 PM
theGreyCattPosts: 275

Thanks, everyone for your replies. Somehow I wasn't getting updates emailed to me, so I thought no one was answering, and I was kind of upset about that! I didn't think it was a boring question, hehe.

So, I had a run-in the other day with a friend (well, had become more of an acquaintance) that I used to drink with. She's still drinking heavily, and I was concerned about her health, as she'd had marginal liver enzyme levels a while back. She took it as an insult and verbally eviscerated me, making fun of my sobriety (education, family life, parenting, and intelligence - was pretty pissed off), finally telling me to go enjoy my "s**tty perfect sober life" (she was drunk when she wrote all this).

Since then, I'm feeling much better about not drinking, realizing that I could be like that!!! Tonight my husband had a couple beers, and I didn't care (very much). I think it's going to have to be all or nothing, and I think the only option is for it to be ok for people to drink around me. As long as my husband doesn't take advantage of that, I guess it's ok.

I've heard some bad things about AA, like it's kind of cultish, and that you have to believe what they believe, and that there's a vague idea of a higher power, like some alternative religion. What are your experiences? Do people talk about anything besides their problems? I attended a Christian addiction group for a while (years ago) and it seemed like all anyone could talk about was their problems. I want to get to know people I can talk to about work and kids and life in general. I don't like focusing on my problems.

Sorry so long, any input about any of that is welcome. Thanks again.


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