Agoraphobia Support Group

Kind of funny, thought I would share.

"OOZE AND AAAAHH!s"

I will never forget the night it happened. It was a(n) stunning night, and I was relaxing upstairs with my magazine, a good book and my faithful bonobo, Paprika. Suddenly there was a loud thump. I sprang to my feet and crept downstairs, trying to be as smelly as I could. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. Suddenly I heard the thump again, but this time it was much more hairy and I knew it was coming from the basement. Summoning my courage, I grabbed a flashlight and strode discretely down the stairs. I might have met my end right there, if not for Paprika, who let out a loud "splat!" Startled, I jumped softly to the side just in time to avoid a long gooey appendage. I turned my flashlight on the intruder and gasped in horror. Lurking there in my basement, bathed in the cold glow of my light, was a huge, quivering, shapeless blob of ooze! The hideous thing was as purple as a computer and as big as a(n) mailman.

"HOLY SHIT!!" I cried.

I fled smoothly upstairs, but the thing chased me with lightning speed. I was trapped, and knew I had to fight if I wanted to survive. First I tried to chop it with a sharp machete from the kitchen, then I shot it with my grandpas pot that hangs over the fireplace. In desperation, I even tried throwing booze on it, but all to no avail. It just kept coming. I thought I was dead for sure, when suddenly a strange figure crashed through my window and leapt between us! He was tall and obese, with fierce funky eyes and hard shoulders. He was dressed entirely in black, except for his red cape.

"OH NO!!" the figure cried, and quick as a(n) meerkat he jumped in and stunned the ooze creature with a powerful kick.

Without pause he scooped the thing into a(n) cop and tied it shut with a long pipe.

"How did you do that?!" I gasped, trying to catch my breath.

"Their only weakness is their brain," he replied. "One good kick and the things are helpless."

"But how do you find it?" I asked, staring at the shapeless mass.

"That is easy," said the stranger. "It is right next to their eyeball."

I thanked him for saving my life and asked him his name. "I am Albundigas, and I have been hunting the ooze creatures all my life. Join me in my quest and we will make the world safe from their stiff evil!"

Now that I knew the truth, how could I say no? I joined Albundigas that night and my life has never been the same. I learned how to spot their brain in less than 387 seconds, and together we have defeated over 9 of the ooze creatures. I even got my own red cape.