Agoraphobia Support Group

Hello,

My name is Kari and I am here for support of my Husband who is currently suffering from agoraphobia, depression, and anxiety. He is 34 years old and had suffered through these about 5 years ago but started taking Paxil and has maintained on that very well. He recently had back surgery on August 6th 2008 and relapsing back into agoraphobia was a very big concern of his due to the recovery period he would have to face. He discussed this with his doctor in lenght and was assured that his recovery would start fairly soon and he would be up and around sooner than he thought. Well this did not happen. Due to a medical error about a week after surgery when my husband first came home his surgeon neglected to pay attention to the pain meds that he was taking prior to surgery and after he came home he didn't prescribe those pain meds which threw my husband into severe medication withdrawals. Since then he has not been the same. His agoraphobia came on pretty sudden and started with anxiety and panic attacks. His doctor has suggested switching from Paxil to Effexor which he just stared yesterday...he is of course being weaned off of the paxil slowly but surly. My Mother-in-law and I are very confident that my husband can beat this and he knows he can to because he did it before. But just the fact that he faught so hard the first time to get past this and now he has to do it again is very hard for him. I have been researching agoraphobia for weeks now trying to find ways to support him and help guide him. He is going to be seeing a therapist on Monday for the first time which is something that is extremely necessary due to his very bad childhood. I am, in a way, talking for him. I am working on getting the internet at home for him but until then he has asked me to come here for him. He needs to know that he can beat this and that he isnt alone. I dont know how he is feeling and i never will so its hard for me to convince him that he is going to get past this. Can anyone give me some advise on what i can do on my end for support. He thinks i am better off without him which i have told him many times im not going anywhere. I want to help...i want my husband back and i know he can get through this i just need to know how can i help him. Thank you for this site i really appreciate all the information and asvice you are giving. Thank you Kindly, Kari

Hi Kari,

Welcome to the forum!! I am so sorry that you and your husband have had such a rough time with things. This is not an easy illness to overcome, as your husband already knows. First of all, neither of you are alone with this any more, especially with coming here - you'll gain support, caring and help.

Your husband seeing a therapist is a step in the right direction and switching medications to something that will help is also good. Just remember that it may take awhile before it's at it's full effect and if it's not the right one, then another may have to be tried. Sometimes it's trial and error before the right one(s) is found.

Your husband has a long, but obtainable, journey in front of him, but he has to take baby steps with things. He (nor you) can force himself to do it all at once - that will really set him backwards. Little by little is how to overcome his fears - are there any particular things that trigger him into an anxiety/panic attack? Those things will be the ones he will have to work the hardest at. Ex. - afraid of going outside...open the front door and just stand there for as long as he can stand it. He needs to do this as many times as it takes until he feels comfortable with that part. Once there, he needs to step outside - even if only for a minute. Again doing this as many times as it takes to feel comfortable with that first step outside. Then go a little further, etc etc etc until he is able to walk to the mailbox, sidewalk, around the yard, whatever his goal is. This is just an example of a fear. Not knowing what his fears are it's hard saying what may or may not help him.

Just remember - don't push him to try to do these things every day. He will have to do this on his own time frame and he will have days that he just can't do it because his anxiety is already so bad. He will just have to let that day go and look forward to trying the next day.

The fact that you are trying to educate yourself on this illness is great. The more knowledge you have, the more you will understand and be able to help him through this difficult time. You are right though, you will never fully understand how he is feeling because you don't have this illness. The anxiety and panic attacks are bad enough, they can just cripple you. Now you mix in the agoraphobia and depression and it's just debilitating - that's the best word to use for it.

This is not an easy thing for spouses to understand either. At some point or another everyone experiences a little anxiety here or there about something, but nothing to the extent like those of us here and your husband.

Personally, I think the best thing you can do to support your husband is continue educating yourself, praise him each time he acccomplishes even the smallest of things to overcome his fears and just be there for him if he wants to talk, cry, yell, vent, etc. Coming here is a great first step and we will walk you through as much as we can and help you as much as we can. We are here for you just as much as we are for your husband. You will also need support as this works itself through.

There are a few articles that I have already posted here on the forum and to the upper left of this is a section called Agoraphobia Articles. I'm also adding more there as I find good ones. Please feel free to come here any time to ask questions, get support or just to vent - vent any time because it won't be easy for you either. Getting the internet at home for your husband will be good too so that he can join us and have that feeling of support around him. We are here to help. I know this has been a long post and I'm sorry for that - lol, but there's a lot of info you need to have.

I look forward to helping you some more. Come by any time.

Take care {{{{HUGS}}}},

Wen

I cant thank you enough for such a quick and very helpful response. In my many days of research i have found that baby steps is the way to start the progression forward. He is able to go outside but he doesnt like to and has a lot of anxiety when he does. Yesterday i learned from him that he has a hard time now just leaving our bedroom. I had thought he was fine in our house all together but it looks like i was wrong. I told him last night as we were talking that he has to take things day by day and that if he sets a goal to do something just start small. I told him start going into the livingroom and sitting on the couch for a few minutes and see how you feel. The next day try and sit out there for a few minutes longer. I know he wants to get better so bad...its getting him to realize that he CAN get better and that things dont have to always be this way. I have found recently that his Mom has been an incredible help. It seems like he will do things that she suggests more than me...which is totally fine that just means that she needs to be very much involved...which she wants to be. So all in all after today i have a more positive outlook on knowing that he can get through this i just need to convince him of that. Thank you SO much for yoru help and i am really going to get the internet for him. OH and as far as what really scares him...i honestly dont know for sure he hasnt really told me fully. Maybe he will feel comfortable enough to tell me if i ask. If not then he will tell me when he is ready and i will pay more attention to what makes him upset. Thanks again for everything and i will be here daily.

You're very welcome Kari. You are definitely on the right track with having him take baby steps. Just remember that when Monday comes around for his therapy appointment, it's going to be difficult and scary for him. Be gentle and patient with him, get ready to leave earlier than you normally would to give him extra time to get outside and into the car. He may need this. I know he's on Effexor, but is he also on any sort of anti-anxiety med (like Valium, Xanax, Ativan - just to name a few)? His psychiatrist may want to try him on one to help with the anxiety - especially for when he needs to leave the home for doc and therapy appts.

I remember there was a time when I wouldn't leave my bedroom except for the absolute necessities - bathroom and to eat. That was it.

I think somewhere in him, he knows that he CAN get better, but he's scared because he doesn't want to do this again. He's been there and just doesn't like being there again. Just try to get him to relax a little bit if you can, get him to stop being so hard on himself, and try not to be too vigilant about telling him all the time that he CAN get better. Just a few reminders here and there will do wonders and you being by his side every step of the way will help.

If you can get from him what his other triggers are, maybe you can help him set small goals for himself (work on one thing at a time though). If he listens to his mother more than you right now, so be it for now. Maybe he listens to her more because he's afraid you will leave him because of this burden. Just an idea for you to think about. Whatever helps the most is what counts. Maybe with both of you working with him, without overwhelming him, will be the best thing for him.

Just keep those lines of communcation open - that's soooo important. Don't let him shut you out, let him know that you are always there for him to talk to when he needs/wants to. Letting him come to you as he is ready is also a good idea, if he can't tell you what his triggers are right now, that's okay. As you said, he will do so when he is ready to.

You are doing good with this and seem to be so positive and so willing to help him - that's great. In the long run, he will thank you for this. And keep reassuring him that you aren't better off w/o him and that you love him dearly wouldn't give him up for anything. Remind him of those vows - for better, for worse, in sickness and in health. Just continue to be patient with him - yes you will have times when you want to scream or cry, but don't do that anywhere near him, it will only add to his stress. Come here to vent, go to a friend to vent, etc.

I look forward to keep on talking to you. I'm off for now to go fix supper. Talk to you soon. Have a great afternoon/evening.

Wen

He does take Ativan and also Seroquel but the Seroquel is only to sleep. I am a very motherly person...so i have kind of realized that sometimes he does just need his space and i am sometimes a very emotional person so i am sure he holds things back because he thinks it will upset me. But i have learnd a lot recently and i dont get upset in front of him because i have seen how it upsets him and that is the absolute last thing i want. As far as his Mom being the one who helps him the most...i am all for whatever he needs. She has been through this before with him and she has her own issues that she deals with. I honestly grew up very differently and pretty sheltered so there is a lot that is going on with him that i cant even begin to comprehend. So i fully support his mom taking the reigns and me being there for support. I dont leave his side other than to go to work. When im home...im in our bedroom with him unless i get up to make dinner because i dont want him to feel alone and he gets so excited to see me when i get home i cant bare to leave him. Anyways i know you are making dinner so i will go for now. Thank you SO much for everything Wen i cant tell you how much help you have been for me and for Jacob.

Thank you for All of your support.

Kari

Kari,

I am so glad that you have such a positive outlook on this and are so willing to have your mother-in-law be so involved with this. I'm also glad to hear that you don't get upset in front of him regarding his issues because all he needs from you now is support. Try to get him to open up more to you by telling him that whatever he says to you won't upset you. You just want to be there for him and to help him.

On Monday, maybe he could take an Ativan a little bit before leaving the house, it may help him with the anxiety of being out of his comfort zone. Like I said before, start getting ready a little earlier than you normally would so that he can have time to get out of that comfort zone, outside and into the car. It may not take him much time to do this or it could take 15-20 minutes. You won't know until then. Just be as supportive as you can.

I'm very happy that you spend so much time with him when you aren't at work, I'm sure it's comforting to him. But there is also a fine line of enabling him to stay in that comfort zone and not venturing out of the bedroom. Maybe every couple of days you could ask him if he would like to join you in the kitchen while you make dinner or something to that effect.

I'm glad that I've been able to help and look forward to keep talking to you. Feel free to PM me any time you would like.

Wen

Good Morning Kari,

I'm just checking in with you to see how you and your husband are doing. Just want to make sure all is going okay with you. When you have a chance, just pop in and let un know. Remember, neither of you are alone in this battle, we are here to help.

Have a great day!

Wen

Hi Kari,

I'm just popping in to say hi and see how things are going. I know that your huband has a therapy appointment and I'm hoping that he will be able to make it ther. Remember, it will be very scary for him so just be supportive and caring. Please let us know how things go with the appointment.

We care about both of you. {{{hugs and many well wishes that today goes well}}}

Hi Kari,

How did last week's therapy appt go for your husband? Was he able to go? Remember, even if he wasn't able to leave his home this time, there will be a time that he will be able to. I don't know what that will be, but it will happen at some point. Have you been able to get the internet hooked up at home yet? This may be an important tool for your husband so that he can make some online friends who are going though the same things he is. Keep in touch and let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Make sure to remind him now and again that there is no shame as to how his life is right now. He knows he can make it out of this, it will just take a lot of work, but he can do it.

Hi Kari,

I'm just checking in with you to see how you and your husband are doing. It's been awhile since we've heard from you and I'm curious to know how your husband is doing. When you get a moment, just let us know how things are going and if there is anything we can do to help you.