amandajo
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Chevy, im very happy for you, thats gonna help you get far. Ive been there, although not exactly your situation. After the rape, i fell into the prescription medication trap. Im from a small town, I worked in a surgery center before nursing school, and I know many of our Doctors personally. And many of them offered to help. They knew me and probably wouldnt have guessed me to be one that would abuse the drugs, and im sure they meant well. I knew better because i was trained to know better. But I just felt so much desperation, I couldnt sleep, nightmares wore me down. I was a constant bundle of nerves. Have you ever had that feeling that someone could jump out and get ya? Well, it intensifies 1000 percent once someone really does it and you know its so much more possible than you ever dreamed. Also, my husband is a fireman and they do 24hr on 48hr off shifts, so Im alone every third night. These are the reasons I became dependant on Xanax for anxiety and Hydrocodone for headaches (which never shouldve been given to me so abundantly)...BUT ITS NOT AN EXCUSE. Anyway, after a while, I started to really hate myself. Looking back, i know the pills contributed to my depression. But at the time, I was just grasping for straws. I remember when I decided enough was enough, YES I HAD MESSED UP...I HAD FAILED. And it just occured to me that I HAD A REASON! And i, like you, decided to stop beating myself up for those mistakes. I laid down the meds (which I still sometimes crave, especially the Xanax) and I vowed to stop living in the past. Something really horrible happened one day that lasted 2 hours and I was holding on to it so strong and basically living in my past while my future passed me by. Dont get me wrong, its still in my head EVERYDAY, but Im moving on. I have days that are easy to stay positive..but if a day comes along that I just cant shake the negative, I just try to get up the next day and start again. This is not negative feedback, but a warning i guess. You are in a good place right now having made the choice to MOVE ON from yesterday. What I hope for you is that if or when a day comes that YESTERDAY catches up and you dont feel as positive as you do today...i hope you hang on to the promise youve made to yourself. To forgive yourself, to stop looking back  And its okay if you do reflect on yesterday sometimes, its made you who you are. Although if I had a way to go back to July of 2003 and change that day..I WOULD...but i wouldnt want to let go of some of the changes its made in me. Yeah-there were not so good ones. But there are lessons i took from it, it was like i was walking around blind before it happened. Im a more compassionate person, I stopped living in a world that revolved around me, and I stopped judging people for their mistakes. Now, I have a better shot at forgiving myself for my own. You have a strong faith, you know you are worthy of forgiveness....and Im so happy you decided to give it to yourelf as well. Im praying for you to keep this frame of mind...and that you get stronger with everyday that passes! Much lovePost edited by: amandajo, at: 05/16/2008 08:54 |
