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Oh, I love this thread because I'm not afraid to say that I believe in Jesus... "I believe in Jesus, oh he's Lord of Lords and King of Kings, I believe in Jesus, oh ohhhh he rescued me" ~song by Seventh Day Slumber... Moreover to the point, missashley... I was at the end. The bottom. I left my family, moved in with a random guy, in a trailer in the desert and was using drugs. I cried everyday. When I crashed I was at my lowest point. I was bipolar and did not know it. I questioned God endlessly. He stood by me. I told him I wanted to commit suicide. He stood by me. I did not know it, but during this time, he was setting the stage...for something awesome to take place in my life. I got back together with my husband after four months of pure hell. When I came back it was even darker and I told my husband that I 'hated' God, for not pulling us through the hurt. I hated music, I hated birds chirping, I hated the smell of flowers, you get the point. Then one day my husband came home and said, "I found this new radio station. It's a Christian station called Air 1." What we were listening to were bands like 'Disturbed', 'Nine Inch Nails', ect. ect. Over the course of time he began a more positive outlook and suggested that we throw out ALL of our CD's and focus on positive music. Some GREAT bands by the way. So we did. At this time I was still having horrid mood swings. Either really really wanting to die...or party like a rock star. No inbetween. We decided we wanted to move to Texas, BUT it is the Federal Government that he works for. You can't just say "hey we want to move, hook it up!" There has to be a VALID reason. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING we came up with was working. The ONLY way we were going to even try to be able to move, was a severe medical condition. I was laying in bed one day tracing the veins in my wrist with something metal. I kept thinking something isn't right. All day long I would cry. All night long I would bounce off of walls. Then suddenly it hit me like a freight train without brakes. "GO TO THE DOCTOR..." I kept hearing this over, and over again in my head. I went to the doctor and the discovery was overwhelming. I had been this sick most of my life and never knew it. It was a relief. I wasn't a bad kid. I wasn't an attention needy maniac. I didn't drink myself to death because it was fun. I did it because I was self medicating. All of this careening down on me like Niagra Falls. It all made sense. Now the point. I HAD to go through all that to get to where God needed me to be to conduct his plan in my life like a perfect symphony. I spat on him, hated him, because what kind of God would allow this. Que the violins, I'm dying. Here is the dawning. God doesn't want any of us to suffer. He knew exactly what he was doing. When I hit rock bottom, he was there..."Get up" he said, "I will lead you." My heart was crushed to learn that we probably weren't going to make it to Texas unless by some miracle one of us was desperately ill. "Walk with me" he said, "I will show you the way." I was contemplating suicide. "Go" he said, "I will be with you. I sent you, because I sent them, they will help you." "GOD?" I questioned, "How will we ever get to Texas?" His response was poignant and loving, "My precious, beautiful child, don't you see I have already taken care of it, it was my plan all along." We told the Union Rep. of the findings of my mental illness...He said "Well you have a pretty darn good shot of getting out of here." HE LOVES YOU ASHLEY. IT'S TOUGH BUT KNOW HE IS REFINING YOU. Much love, Laurie Post edited by: Deep_Hearted_Sigh, at: 05/17/2008 11:48 |
Agoraphobia Support Forums
Thanks all a bunch and hopefully soon I can give you all the same support and love you have shown me. xoxoxoxo
